Published August 28, 2010
To make this intro short, these are three poems linked together. Dedicated to my love, my friend who has died, and for the future of my life with him. I didn't want to make this a sob story, so just enjoy and tell me what you think.
Fields Of Punishment
Beaten and bloody you cry out to me,
I'm cold and numb I cannot breathe.
I gaze away while others still cry,
begging for death to consume me,
though it already has.
Heaven and Hell
I sit and wonder if I'll ever see you again,
are you alive and happy?
Somewhere laughing with friends...
Did you die in that car wreck,
did it take your life?
I still wear your jacket from that cold December night.
I sit on white clouds waiting for you,
will you show? I don't know, but I hope it's not soon.
Alive
Around we spin,
in warm fleshed skin.
Gaily aroused with gayish delights,
hopes and dreams being to take flight.
We'll twirl and fall and sing all day long,
but we hurt as well.
Pain overshadows all else,
but still we are alive happy and well for all eternity.
Immortal.
This may have been confusing to some but it's not at all, it depends what point of view you're reading each from. (:
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139,447 Literary Works • 672,564 Reviews
Hello there!:)
I am so sorry for your loss. Reviewing your poems, I can truly feel the pain that you are in.
Okay, I loved your first stanza, or poem, or however you would like to call it. As someone said earlier though, you did spell 'breathe' wrong. Be sure to fix that.
That part gave me shivers!
The second stanza wasn't quite as good.
Just a bit too corny. Try and add something a bit more realistic.
Also, you imply that he has friends with him in heaven or hell, or whatever. Tell the readers more about that.
And I'm sorry, but your last verse wasn't the best I've read.
Its a big no-no to use that word twice in a sentence.
Well I truly enjoyed these poems. Just a little tweaking and these will be great!
If you have any questions, feel free to message me.
-Princess
Gay means happy, gayish (happy)
I didn't exactly understand how the three stanzas connect to each other; but maybe that's one of those "you'd have to know about it" scenarios. I thought the poem was good: sad, painful, yet touched with a glimmer of hope. Two little nitpicks: "breath" should probably be "breathe," and "gayish?" What does that mean? Overall I thought it was good.
Hi I like you poem but there are some points that I can't really grasp e.g.
When you say:
" are you alive and happy?
Somewhere laughing with friends..."
Isn't he meant to be dead?
This is my favorite part:
"Fields Of Punishment
Beaten and bloody you cry out to me,
I'm cold and numb I cannot breath.
I gaze away while others still cry,
begging for death to consume me,
though it already has."
I think this part is very emotional and shows the way you feel, I mean the way that everyone would feel if they lost someone that they love a lot, knowing that they might never be able to see him/her.
If I have to be honest I don't really like the stanza below that much. I think that it can be quite confusing
" ... We'll twirl and fall and sing all day long,
but we hurt as well.
Pain overshadows all else,
but still we are alive happy and well for all eternity.
Immortal."
I also like this part :
"Alive
Around we spin,
in warm fleshed skin.
Gaily aroused with gayish delights,
hopes and dreams being to take flight"
Overall I like the poem but I think that there are points that you could make more clear. Also you should express you feelings more.