Another Girl

Hi


I know those above me have alot of crtiques about the rhyiming and things of that nature. I however, love this. Maybe it's just because I can relate. I've seen so many of my friends go through this.. It's simple, yes, but it gets the point across. You've expressed the way you feel, wonderfuly if you ask me. Great job, and keep writing!!


P.S. Welcome to YWS!
God Bless,
Amber

Hi Kitkat!

Okay! First of all, welcome to YWS. Glad to have you here .

You seem to have a rhyme scheme (see what I did there?), of a basic ABCB, but then here in this stanza:

You cheated and you lied.
You made my heart a mess.
You apologized and held me tight,
and then just did it again.

I've grown stronger since you left,
so I tell you it's to late. #FF0000 ">To should be too.

I'm tired of you, I'll find someone new; #FF0000 ">Take out the semicolon.
who's love you can't measure.

I've grown stronger since you left, #FF0000 ">Put a 'but' before this line, just to have some sort of transition.

You made me feel special,
but that did not last long. #FF0000 ">Usually in poetry I'd frown on the use of contractions, but here I think you should replace did not with didn't, just because did not sounds way too formal dealing with the topic that you are.

As others have pointed out this is rather bland but it has magnificent potential!!!! Just add to it and throw yourself into those feelings and write them into it...if you want help feel free to PM me or post on my wall!!! I'm willing to help Kit Kat ^^ Want to see you improve and I know you will!!! You will be alright and I say no grammar errors so I say that's a plus haha in my book. I stink at grammar like horrible ^^. I'm not good at poetry but I"m here to help just got to ask. Anyways I say this is my favorite poem of the week hehe. Good job and Keep up the Writing you'll do great!!! I hope to see more from you soon and I hope you get many helpful reviews. I say you should look some words in a thesaurus or rephrase your words so they come out stronger. Such as in the first part you have:
"Was I not enough?
Did I do something wrong?
You made me feel special,
but that did not last long."

I would put something like this: (this is only an example and you can use if you want)
"Was I not enough?
What did I do wrong?
With you, I felt unique and loved
However that shattered like a fractured mirror
It wasn't meant to last forever."

I know you will improve poetry and writing in general is a very rough talent haha I should know XD grins* I offer you my support and I'll always be here for help; just PM me. I hope you post more soon so I may read. I truly enjoyed this. Happy Writing and best of wishes!!!
Soulkana<3

I refuse to be another girl,
someone just for pleasure.
I'm tired of you, I'll find someone new;
who's love you can't measure.

Hi there. Lavvi in to review for you.

This meant nothing special to me because so many people write about similar things. I found your vocabulary very simplistic for a poem that could be, technically, rather deep. It seemed really shallow...perhaps this could be improved by an expanded vocabulary. Usually, you can use a thesaurus for this and there are many online if you don't own one already. I'd like to see you broaden your horizons and think a little outside the box

Yours,
Lavvi

Hi! Welcome to YWS! I like your user name. My cousins' cat is named Kit Kat.

I think you have a good start here, but I agree with Amelia that some of your wording might not be as powerful as it could be. Your stanzas were well separated, and I only found a couple of grammatical errors that I'll point out later.
In terms of the emotion of the piece, I feel as though you restricted yourself a little, if that makes sense. When you try to write a poem with a rhyming scheme, you limit yourself to certain words, and it takes away from what you may really want to write. Don't write the poem to fit a structure. If you feel inspired, focus on just getting it down, and it will often work itself out. You may have to do some editing afterwords if some lines are too long, etc., but I think you'll find that the emotion and wording will be more natural.

Another thing I noticed is that your rhyming scheme isn't always consistent. You rhyme the second and fourth lines in the first stanza, don't rhyme at all for the next two stanzas, and then rhyme the second and fourth lines of the last stanza. It is better to not rhyme anything at all than to have an unsteady pattern.

Okay, so now #FF0000 ">Grammar is in red,
and everything else is #008000 ">this greenish colour.

Was I not enough?
Did I do something wrong?#008000 ">Would you consider switching the first two lines? For some reason, this first line was kind of a weird opening for me. Again, I think you were limited by the rhyme.
You made me feel special,
but that did not last long.

You cheated#FF0000 ">comma here and you lied.
You made my heart a mess.#008000 ">Try playing around with the wording of this line. I don't know that "made" is quite the right verb here. It's up to you, though.
You apologized and held me tight,#FF0000 ">No comma here
and then just did it again.#008000 ">I really like the content of this line, but "just did it again" kind of chopped the stanza for me. Try saying it in a different way. Maybe you could approach it not by saying what he did next, but by describing what he was doing in the previous line, if that makes any sense. Maybe something about his apologies being fake or him wearing a mask or something. I don't know; I'm just rambling here.

I never dreamed this could happen.#008000 ">I wouldn't use "could" in two consecutive lines. It's not a big deal though.
How could this even be?
All you really wanted was someone,#008000 ">These two lines had sort of an awkward flow. Maybe something like "You only wanted anyone (some girl?)/ It just happened to be me." You can tinker with it.
anyone,#FF0000 ">Period instead of a comma it just happened to be me.

Now you claim if you could do anything,
you'd take back all those mistakes.
I've grown stronger since you left,
so I tell you it's to#FF0000 ">o late.#008000 ">Yes!

I refuse to be another girl,
someone just for pleasure.
I'm tired of you,#FF0000 ">This should be a period or a semicolon. I'll find someone new;#FF0000 ">This shouldn't be a semicolon. It should be a comma.
#FF0000 ">whose love you #008000 ">cannot measure.#FF0000 ">"Who's" is a contraction of "who is." "Whose" is the possessive.

Please don't take this the wrong way. I like the poem. The things I pointed out are mostly really easily fixed, and I think you can take this a long way. Good luck, and keep writing!
If you have any questions over the grammar or anything else, or if you just want someone random to talk to, feel free to PM me. As I like to say, I'm dirt easy to find.
Happy writing,
-Sea-

Hello! Welcome to YWS! Have fun and keep posting work! I'll be blunt: for me, this poem was a little bland. No spark erupted when I read your piece ( which is what I expect from poetry). However, gramatically it was fine. I can't see anything wrong in that department. Some of the rhymes were a tincy bit painful, and in a few places you ended a stanza so sharply and non-rhymingly that it interupted the flow of the entire poem.
Sorry for the harsh critique!
~ Amelia