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Chapter 1 "The Sudden Memory"
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The door opened, as I shuddered and watched hidden from plain sight. The evening rain poured heavily as thunders and lightning showed off.
A silhouette of a man, tall with his black coat covering his whole body, the glitter of a knife shun behind his back. He entered, as each step made the wooden floors creak. Cold sweat went down my back, the sound of my heavy breathing echoed throughout the cabinet. The fear of being seen overcame me, I had no courage to fight and if i did my feeble body would lose to his massively built body. As he came closer to the cabinet where i was hidden, he chuckled as though he noticed something. The tatoo of a winged animal was all i could see for he was covered by his long black coat. He passed by the cabinet where i was hidden, as a sigh of relief came over me. I slowly got out of the cabinet and began heading towards the backdoor near the kitchen.
"Eeekk!"
A scream of a woman was heard. As I remembered "Mom!" I shouted. I got a knife from the kitchen then rushed to the rooms door. I slowly opened the door, as each frightful second was unbearable, the lightning brightened the room for a bit. In that brightened second, i saw the body of my mother. Her black hair covered her face, her blood covered body was grotesque. Tears began falling down my eyes.
*creak* the wooden floor creaked behind me,
As I looked back with my teary eyes, the silhouette of the man brightened by lightning suddenly swung the blood stained
knife towards me.
"Ahhhhh!"
I suddenly woke up with a cold sweat trickling down my face. As I stared around the lonely darkened room. It occured to me
"It was all a dream."
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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Original Text:
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,854 Reviews
Yo, I don't do grammar review, only structural. Here we go:)
A silhouette of a man, tall with his black coat covering his whole body, the glitter of a knife shun behind his back. - tenses, either the coat 'covered', or the knife 'shining'
He entered, as each step made the wooden floors creak. - no 'as'. And better change tenses too - he entered, the wooden floor creaking with each step
the sound of my heavy breathing echoed throughout the cabinet - overdoing it. Better temper it by saying 'it seemed to me that my breathing was so heavy...'
had no courage to fight and if i did my feeble body would lose to his massively built body - something terribly wrong goes with this sentence after the word 'fight'.
The tatoo of a winged animal was all i could see for he was covered by his long black coat - here you must say where exactly the tatoo is.
e passed by the cabinet where i was hidden, as a sigh of relief came over me. - another 'as' to be got rid of. Probably replaced with 'and'.
As I remembered "Mom!" I shouted. - another sentence in need of total rewriting
I got a knife from the kitchen then rushed to the rooms door - time to inject something into this scene. A sentence describing him entering the kitchen with a heart beating like blah blah, rummiging, grasping the knife, remembering how many meals mom has cooked with it, and then running to the door. Also, to justify the character's sudden change of temperament you must spell out, how the thought of his mom pushed considerations for his own safety to the background.
slowly opened the door, as each frightful second was unbearable, the lightning brightened the room for a bit. Some debris here, which best be cut - slowly opened the door. Each frightful second was unbearable. Lightning brightened the room for a bit. - 'for a bit' sounds awfuly pedestrian, concerning such an intense situation. Something less nonchalant. Like 'for a moment', or 'light flickered as...'
Nice beginning, best of luck!
Hello, Kite1992.
I really like your story. It is kind of short, but that's okay for a first chapter. Just as long as you add on to it!
Most of the problems that I saw in it were technical problems, such as punctuation and formatting.
You need a comma between "watched" and "hidden".
Take the "s" off of "thunder."
This is not a complete sentence. If you add some variation of "I saw" to the beginning then it will become a complete sentence. You need a subject, some-body or something that is being or doing something. Sometimes, sentence fragments are okay and add to the story. In my opinion this is not one of those times, but the choice is really up to you. Try reading the paragraph aloud with all the pauses that a period brings. See if it sounds right to you. Also, I think you meant to say "shone" not "shun".
Capitalize "I". You have made this mistake several times, so you should go through and fix it in your entire story. If the "I" stands alone, it is capitol.
If you say "as a sigh of relief came over me" it means that Your character sighed at the same time that he moved away. You can either say "He passed by the cabinet where I was hidden, and a sigh of relief came over me" or think of a different way to say it that will clarify that the main character sighed after the man in black walked away.
This part makes me wonder if you are used to writing scripts. "was heard" is a phrase that you should not use in a book, because it means that no-one in particular heard it. In your case, somebody specific has to have heard. That means it should be, "I heard the scream of a woman."
This sentence is a little bit confusing to me. I know what it is saying, but the format could be better. Maybe you could make it two sentences.
I really like that part. You should take out the word "as" though, because you don't need it. Other than that, this sentence really shows the feeling of the main character and brings a lot of suspense to the story. Good job!
Okay, if this was a poem than is would be okay for you to use sound effects like that. But since you are writing a story and not a poem, it would be best to take that part out. However, it is really up to you. You need to change the comma at the end to a period.
You do not need to push enter between "stained" and "knife". I understand it was probably accidental, I do that a lot.
Put a semi-colon after "me".
That was a really good story. I especially liked the sentence that I mentioned, and the last sentence. After all the tension that you built up, instead of letting it come out slowly, you released like some-one releases their breath after they have been holding it for a long time. I like stories that do that.
You did well, keep writing!
GOD bless you,
ChristsServant
Hi kite!
I do like this story! At first it seems like a detective one, but till the end we begin to understand that we misunderstood you!))) But all in all I consider this chapter to be to little to be "a chapter"! As the beginning - it is cool and gripping, but we need something more. Intrigue as you can! Go ahead!)
Maria