This defile, sharply axed but
roughly matted, unlike a valley
Hit my toenail with stone blisters, often
When my satchel bruised my shoulder
And I hated drudging like a slave,
a slave battered with fear
This defile, where I scrambled
through, clasped two territories,
although rough and rumple,
territories where I just saw
two mountains, glaring each other
both lofty, steepish,
splashily painted with ice
fighting for height
and roaring with wind,
that defeated my woolens
and frightened my soul
This defile, as crescent as the moon,
but unbranched,
puffs anguish at the yard,
as carcinogenic as smoking,
Of my wooden house
where I, the only member
Of my family...but fear,
residing, the recesses of my belly
This defile, has brought me no guests
since time became pregnant
And dusts: dry and dilapidated
with the monotony of traveler,
scattered nowhere, also
stamped to death
lie still, waiting...
for a new footprint to re-stamp, to life
And I keep my windows open,
the hinges turned backward
mattress fluffed and cups coupled,
contained with coffee
ready for warm conversations
with my fear
But then, my limitations clashes fear
this defile, where from it inherited,
And there is a limiting victory
This way so,
I conquer my fear daily
and daily I let it go,
someday most certainly
Fearlessness would be my choice
This defile, concave at conclusions,
venues a virtuous end:
the oblivion of fear!
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,857 Reviews
Hey, Viv here to do a review. Firstly, I like the title, it draws people in. But your line starter "this defile" confused me. We you using the word defile as a noun, what were you trying to describe using it? What was tarnished/sullied or is tarnished/sullied? Or are you saying that fear is the sullying of yourself or your narrator?
I feel like you're comparing fear to things more than you are saying what the fear is, what the narrator is afraid of, and how fear is an oblivion. What I read felt more like an abyss of fear than an oblivion because it felt like you were trying to tell the story of a journey you took in a poem but sometimes lost focus and started at another point. Which brings me to this suggestion, it might help if you put the poem in stanzas. It could be clearer that way, easier to understand.
The poem is still good meaning it can always be greater, so keep trying and keep writing.
Hello there !
I must say, that is terrific. First of all, the use of the words, show a nice range of vocabulary, which is not easy, usage of very strong words sometimes suck the fun out of the work, but yours was splendid. This is a very emotional and strong poem. It takes one on a journey.
Honestly mate, this absolutely made my day. The first work I read and reviewed on YWS, tells me that I will never be short of good works to read. A job excellently done. Cheers mate !!
Hi cavalin,
I found your review helpful and ccheerin. Thank you!
You're welcome