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E - Everyone

Fate

by kirtideep


I look up at the stars.

As they shine, they shine.

A little less than your eyes did.

That's all I could do.

Compare yourself to everything.

And let you win.

Over me or celestial's shine

But never with fate.

Maybe my letters look beautiful unfolded.

I wish my eyes would, too.

without admiring yours.

Perhaps it will never happen.

They said death is end of life

So should I call it death 

When our story ended unfinished

Not yours

Perhaps only mine.

I maybe be dead

But you still breathing

In you and inside me too.

In you 

And perhaps more in me.

I wish I would too.

But perhaps fate of mine

 never meant to.

 _kirti


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User avatar
20 Reviews

Points: 609
Reviews: 20

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Sat Apr 20, 2024 11:44 pm
Inferno wrote a review...



Hello Kirti! Let's get into it!

Woah. This is a very deep poem. I could feel the weight of it all with each line. I really liked this part:

Maybe my letters look beautiful unfolded.

I wish my eyes would, too.

without admiring yours.

So beautiful. So meaningful.

These lines:
That's all I could do.

Compare yourself to everything.

And let you win.

It might make more sense like this:
All I could do was

Compare you with everything,

or let you win.

Also, you are a tad inconsistent with the punctuation marks. Sometimes you put a punctuation at the end of a sentence...
I wish I would too.

and sometimes you don't...
So should I call it death

When our story ended unfinished

It would make it clearer and less confusing for the readers if you kept the punctuations consistent. E.g.:
They said death is end of life,

So should I call it death

When our story ended unfinished?

Sometimes you put unnecessary periods where commas should have been. After a conjunction, like:
.for
.and
.nor
.but
.or
.yet
.so
you should put a comma, then continue on. E.g.:
Compare yourself to everything,

And let you win.


In general, this was a marvelous poem. Keep up the good work! Happy writing!
Inferno.




User avatar
13 Reviews

Points: 203
Reviews: 13

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Fri Apr 12, 2024 4:30 pm
ThekingsAdvisor wrote a review...



This poem is like a glimpse into someone's thoughts as they look up at the stars. It's simple but really powerful. The way the speaker compares the shine of the stars to the shine of someone's eyes is so sweet and heartfelt.

There's a feeling of longing in the poem, like the speaker wishes they could be as beautiful as the person they're thinking about. It's like they're grappling with their own feelings of inadequacy and comparing themselves to others.

The part about death being the end of life is really poignant. It's like the speaker feels like their story with this person ended too soon, and they're left feeling empty and unfinished.

But even though the speaker feels like a part of them has died, they still feel connected to this person, like they're still alive inside them. It's a bittersweet reminder that even when things end, the memories and feelings can still live on.

Overall, it's a really heartfelt poem that captures the complexity of love and loss.





It takes as much imagination to create debt as to create income.
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