I look up at the stars.
As they shine, they shine.
A little less than your eyes did.
That's all I could do.
Compare yourself to everything.
And let you win.
Over me or celestial's shine
But never with fate.
Maybe my letters look beautiful unfolded.
I wish my eyes would, too.
without admiring yours.
Perhaps it will never happen.
They said death is end of life
So should I call it death
When our story ended unfinished
Not yours
Perhaps only mine.
I maybe be dead
But you still breathing
In you and inside me too.
In you
And perhaps more in me.
I wish I would too.
But perhaps fate of mine
never meant to.
_kirti
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125,015 Literary Works • 672,847 Reviews
Hey there, friend! I hope you are having an amazing day! Without further ado, let's jump right into this review:
I love the simplicity, yet powerful impact your words have.
I noticed you had a lot more punctuation at the beginning of the poem and less at the end. I would recommend trying to keep it more consistent and maybe adding some more commas instead of only periods, to help give the poem ore of a flowy feeling, instead of stern. I love this part above, where you speak of 'calling death' almost like he is a friend who you have control over. I love the combination of power and love here.
The you versus me power dynamic is really interesting in your poem, because you love this person but seem to want to choose how they will feel. I recommend saying 'the fate' instead of just 'fate of mine'.Overall, this poem was easy to read through and I think you touch on some very big ideas and topics. Well done for capturing so much in a short piece.
Your friend,
Ellie
Hello Kirti! Let's get into it!
Woah. This is a very deep poem. I could feel the weight of it all with each line. I really liked this part:
So beautiful. So meaningful.
These lines:
It might make more sense like this:
Also, you are a tad inconsistent with the punctuation marks. Sometimes you put a punctuation at the end of a sentence...
and sometimes you don't...
It would make it clearer and less confusing for the readers if you kept the punctuations consistent. E.g.:
Sometimes you put unnecessary periods where commas should have been. After a conjunction, like:
.for
.and
.nor
.but
.or
.yet
.so
you should put a comma, then continue on. E.g.:
In general, this was a marvelous poem. Keep up the good work! Happy writing!
Inferno.
This poem is like a glimpse into someone's thoughts as they look up at the stars. It's simple but really powerful. The way the speaker compares the shine of the stars to the shine of someone's eyes is so sweet and heartfelt.
There's a feeling of longing in the poem, like the speaker wishes they could be as beautiful as the person they're thinking about. It's like they're grappling with their own feelings of inadequacy and comparing themselves to others.
The part about death being the end of life is really poignant. It's like the speaker feels like their story with this person ended too soon, and they're left feeling empty and unfinished.
But even though the speaker feels like a part of them has died, they still feel connected to this person, like they're still alive inside them. It's a bittersweet reminder that even when things end, the memories and feelings can still live on.
Overall, it's a really heartfelt poem that captures the complexity of love and loss.