z

Young Writers Society



The Franks

by kirstybree


Shadows play across our faces as cobwebs hang from our minds
Echoing from our mouths the words still float in wait
How much longer, how much more of this can we possibly take?
Fear is an anchor, weighing down in our hearts and in our dreams
With every whisper and every step our blood freezes in it’s trek
And everyday a piece of us is lost in the bellies of rats and roaches
Only in the dark of night when the moon has lost it’s light are we safe
But even then the only comfort is our shaking voice in song

What shall we do now that our hope, our undying faith is all but gone
And that song, that over told story will eventually loose their spell
And dare I say when all is said and done, all this was for not
In the end there is always the fear that we could get caught
Drowning are we in the pools of our own terrifying images
We came at a risk, laid our lives at the end of the staircase

In the pages of books within a sea of words we try to loose ourselves
For the tragedies of make believe seem so much sweeter to us now,
Now that we are caught up in our own twisted story plot
But this time there is a good chance that we will not be saved

Even if we rise up out from the ashes, the world we knew would be dead
All that we have known would be like we are, hollow and cold
Nothing more than a memory from not so long ago


Note: You are not logged in, but you can still leave a comment or review. Before it shows up, a moderator will need to approve your comment (this is only a safeguard against spambots). Leave your email if you would like to be notified when your message is approved.







Is this a review?


  

Comments



User avatar
701 Reviews


Points: 10087
Reviews: 701

Donate
Sat Aug 04, 2007 8:03 am
bubblewrapped wrote a review...



I cant believe this hasnt had any crits yet :shock:

Firstly, I can tell there's a great deal of emotion behind this poem. Unfortunately, a lot of it is obscured and muffled by the over-use of adjectives and images. Dont get me wrong: you have a good command of language and I love some of the lines (e.g. "fear is an anchor"). However, I did feel overwhelmed by the rush of imagery.

Basically, my advice would be to pare it down. Choose a few images and build on them. Also, I'd look at perhaps expanding the narrative and view letting us know who "we" are and what's happening to "us", because otherwise there's no-one for us to feel for, and we have no clue what all of these images relate to. See what I mean?

I'll look forward to seeing some more of your work :)

Cheers,
~bubbles





When Larry King retires in 120 years John Mulaney should replace him.
— The Internet