His eyes turned red as they looked at her
My heart ached to see the sadness in his eyes
He's our baby, my baby and his heart was aching
With a weak smile on his face he said everything's fine
Trying to convince himself as much as the rest of us
He'd walked in the door, hair cut and styled
With hope in his heart and joy on his face
But how quickly she took that from him
She came and wounded his heart with haste
At first he was hopeful despite her delay,
Taking a nervous giggle as a positive indicator
The innocence I so loved about him
Did him a great injustice at that instance
She ran from him, faster than I thought she could
Leaving him waiting for an answer that wouldn't come
A puppy he followed, ever the optimist
Though the hours ticked and still no word
He'd worn his heart on his sleeve,
Wrapped around his collar like a cape
Written across his face, a banner
Drenched with sweet sincerity
Was it fair for him to be broken?
Was it fair for him to love her?
A girl so gutless and low?
How could it be that this happened,
When he deserved a whole lot more?
"She was really walking fast," he finally noted
And all fell silent, and we gathered in a hug
We couldn't tell him what we knew from the start
None of us wanted to be the one to say
That his hope would be gone by the end of the day
That there was no way that she'd say yes
That he should just stop caring for Jess
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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125,029 Literary Works • 672,785 Reviews
Don't forget to punctuate! It's real important to poetry. ^_^ Poetry & Punctuation.
This was cute, but it was written overly simple, and it did a whole lot of telling. I think I would have liked more imagery, more emotion in it. Plus, what makes this a poem and not a story in verse? Keep that in mind. The last verse is the only one that rhymes, so it's kind of odd. Why just the last verse. If you're going to rhyme in a poem, get a rhyme scheme and rhyme through the whole poem, or not at all.
I hope some of this helped ^^
I like this alot. The description is powerful; the story is sad. In a good way of course.
should be "everything". It's one word.The first paragraph is done in the present tense, while the others are in the past. I think that either it should have been all in the past tense, or you could have brought it back to present tense at the end. To bring the poem full circle--touch the present, go back and tell why he's eyes are red, then come back to reality and finish the poem.
You obviously didn't try to rhyme, but that's a good thing. Lots of people (myself included) get hurt when they try to force it.
"indicator" is such a cold word. It really kills the flow you've created. That word makes me think of chemistry, not a broken heart.
This is my favorite stanza. The visual is great. You might want to put a comma after cape though.
In general, be careful with run-on sentences. There are some places at the end of lines where you should add some punctuation. Example:
Okay, hope that was helpful!