What is Beauty?
What is Love?
Is it like the stars above?
Or is it like the ocean sea?
Turning back for me to see.
Is it like the East Red Sun?
Blinding all who run?
What is Beauty?
What is Love?
And who is to determine it?
(Hi, this is my first post, I joined literally a minute ago. Please all feedback is appreciated!)
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Hi, Kirsten! So, a few thoughts, here. First, this feels incomplete, like this is an introduction, or a framework that needs to be fleshed out. Second, you don’t have to end every line with a question mark! I usually don’t like rhyme at all, but I kind of really like what you’ve done with it. Ok, I’m going to just show you below what I was thinking with just the punctuation (and where I would recommend ending the stanza, if you leave it as is)
Also, second to last line above is off meter-wise – you need an extra two syllables in there, like “Is it like the East Red Sun/Blinding all who dare to run?”
Now, why I cut out the final few lines. The last line I think is unnecessary – it’s implied by the rest of your poem, and stating it outright undermines the rest of it. With the repetition, I’d like to see you expand this somehow, be it more stanzas following this, or taking what you have and expanding on some of the ideas you have already. The second would mean rebuilding, and likely destroying the rhyme you have set up, though not necessarily. The first would mean building on what you have, adding a few stanzas, maybe one on the stars, then the ocean, then the sun and then perhaps a final stanza in which the repetition would make sense. But, with so few lines, the repetition borders on trite, I think, and I think you could do lots more than just repeat yourself! As a conclusion it could work, but I’d rather see you try to expand beyond it a bit, just to see what you come up with.
I’m totally jealous of your ability to rhyme and make it feel effortless! That is a feat in and of itself! Now, I want to see you stretch a bit, and do something more with the lovely imagery you already have! I think you definitely have more to say with this poem, and I can’t wait to see what else you can do with the start you’ve made!
Any questions/comments/tomatoes that you want to throw at me, just send me a PM!
Thanks!
Thank you!
Great poem! I often find myself asking the same questions, what is love? and Who is to determine it? thanks for sharing! <3
?
Baby, don't hurt me. Don't hurt me.
No more.
Thank you!
Thanks Tgirly! I, myself, did feel that the rhythm was a little off in the ending, but I've found there is rhythmic change in many poems that may seem a little odd. But I will definitely keep that in mind.
Awesome! Loved the picture it paints of love, it keeps you with an open mind in the end so you can answer it for yourself (I like that part best
).
Keep it up,
Speakerskat
Nice poem, good job! You have some nice imagery in it, so good job with that. I don't think the last line is as dramatic as it's intended/could be. But other than that, I really like the poem, starting and ending with those deep questions "What is Beauty? What is Love?" I like that, great job. It could have a bit better rhythm, but there's nothing wrong with it. Hope this review helps and welcome to YWS!