Mamma always said you have to look back into your past to find happiness, and avoid looking to the future. She said that we all have a little time of peace in our lives and we may not realize it at the time, but looking back, we would be able to hone that peace into our nows. Now I need it more than ever.
When I was fifteen, there was nothing other than the sun, the clouds, and the soft soil beneath and in between my toes. I was not a woman, and yet I was a child no more. It was a neutral time in the village I had grown up in, nestled in the mountain side. The men still hunted deep in the forests and the women still made bread in the kitchen and gossiped with each other about the people who lived on the edges of Morsanda. They gossiped about how there were witches, and laughed about the stories their own mothers had told them. I could hear the words, “And she always said never to look in the mirror too long or my soul may be stole from the witch inside the mirror….”, as I passed by a neighboring cottage to my own. Mamma had sent me out to the butcher to buy a slice or two of pig, and I held the coins she had handed me close to my heart. I must admit I had deep pride in being trusted to such a sum of money.
The sky above my curly brown hair had turned a deep purple awarring me that twilight was soon approaching. I remember smiling at the children playing on the sides of the cobblestone street as I passed, not noticing the pale yellow the sun began to cast on the buildings. Sometimes, when the sun hit just right, the windows would set ablaze in color. I used to wonder if you touched that beautiful gold, maybe your whole body would turn to pure fire and blaze for all the nation to either adore or fear.
I arrived at the butcher’s shop just before closing and sighed with relief that there was still pig left beneath the stone counter. My eyes wandered away from Ezeikal, the store owner, as he cut the pig. I really did not care for Ezeikal, he was brutal and large with deep-set black eyes. He spoke little and had a raw smell to him. At any moment, I could imagine two large boar tusks growing from his cheeks. My body shivered at the thought. Outside the men were beginning to come back from hunting, three were carrying a whole deer and they stopped beside the shop to rest. They laughed and one of them drank something from a flask. It seemed as if they exerted masculinity, their brows held a sheen of sweat, and their bodies were well proportioned. No doubt they would go home to their wives and children and be met with happy faces.
“Laurel. Laurel?” I heard Ezeikal say from a distance.
I was brought back from my thoughts and I paid the Ezeikal for the pig, almost all the money mamma had given me. I smiled warmly at his large face before I hurried out of the store. The three men entered the butcher shop right after I left, they tried to fit the large deer through the door, it was quite awkward, and it took them a couple tries before the haunches went through.
My walk home was quicker due to the cold air from the mountains beginning to move in, I longed for the sweater mamma had knit for me and hugged the bag of meat and money to my chest.
I reached home before the first star came out. Mamma was inside busy tending to the fire yet when I walked in, she smiled widely. She rushed towards me and gathered me in her arms. I sighed at the familiar smell of her clothes.
“Here Mamma.” I said as I gave her the meat and the left over money.
“Laurel, go get into your fine clothes, we have a guest coming!” Mamma said her gaping smile never ending.
I did as she said, entering my room and pulling on a soft silk white top and a long flowing white skirt that reached the floor. It was innocence at its finest I must say. When I got back to the main room, I was surprised to see an Official of Morsanda waiting for me. He was clothed in a dark brown suit and on his head sat a flat black hat. That is when peace ended.
The first star touched the dark purple haze of the sky.
(I'm not quite sure what this small passage of writing will turn into. I'm new to this site, but I joined because I want to get feedback and learn about what I should improve in my writing, I figure this might turn into a fantasy sort of novel, I imagined the setting to be in a village among the mountains)
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Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),
Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!
First Impression: Okayy...soo this is off to a neat start I think. A rather sedate scene for the most part here and one that was done quite well I think. The ending also works quite nicely to make you want to read on here.
Anyway let's get right to it,
This does sound like a rather sound piece of advice to get this story started off on here. Well, this is a nice sort of nostalgic touch her to get this particular piece underway for this one here. Let's see where it ends up going I suppose.
Hmm, okay it appears we're cutting to a scene from a different simpler time of sorts here and things seem to be a regular enough village here, barring perhaps the mention of witches that one time which stands out as a little out of the ordinary.
Well those are certainly some interesting thoughts to be having on a random evening walk. This is going along in a pretty interesting direction at the moment. I wonder what's going to end up happening once we actually get to this butcher shop here. There's just a light sense of tension in the air at this point.
OKayy...well this is an interesting party of gentleman to be running into at this particular moment in time, I feel like perhaps there could be some sort of trouble in that direction but then it also seems like there really won't be.
Okay...well yeah that went through rather smoothly I think. It appears that we've got a fairly wholesome ending after all. Despite all the lead up to that butcher shop suggesting some horrors within, that all went down rather smoothly in the end.
That ending there is slightly questionable and a little abrupt I think. It works as a cliffhanger if you take out the very last line but otherwise it just seems like it was cut off at a point it wasn't meant to. At any rate that last passage was an interesting one.
Aaaaand that's it for this one.
Overall: Overall, this makes for a pretty solid scene I think to start off on. There's a good sense of the setting in this world, and it made for an interesting read. The ending while perhaps a bit too abrupt was a good one I think, it does make you want to find out more here.
As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.
Stay Safe
Harry
Hey Kirsten! I'm so sorry that it's taken so long for you to get a review- with the site turnover and all, things have been a little hazy. But I'm here now!
I. NITPPICKS
It'd be useful at this point to know where Morsanda was.
awaring? Is that a word? Warning? Making me aware?
If she doesn't like him, maybe suggest that the smile is more effort than it appears to be right now?
II. OVERALL
I actually really enjoyed this! It's a beautiful, subtle piece of work. There are a few things you could pick up on- is this the only day of peace in her life? I find that hard to believe. Maybe you should make it clearer that this is the day when peace ends, rather than just a typical 'day-in-the-life'. But I was really intrigued by it all. Also- the mother. When she smiles, is it false? Does she know what's coming? I was confused by that smile. But mostly, lovely job, your writing is really evocative. It just needs a little clarification.
Hope I helped, drop me a note if you need anything!
-Stella x
Thank you!