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As a Child

by kirstenPsings

You know that feeling as a child where the clouds cover the sun but you don’t think to look up, instead you think your world is turning darker. It just is, you can’t explain it. As a child you easily accept that, you never question. As you grow older you are taught by science and society what causes this darkness in the middle of day. Imagination is lost. A cloud is just a gaseous particle, not cotton candy floating in the sky. Thunder is no longer God laughing, but something caused by a “sudden thermal expansion of plasma in a lightning channel”. The house at the end of the road isn’t haunted, an old woman lives there and she’s too old to care for her house.

But what if I told you, everything you believed as a child was true? Every fear, every hope, every dream, every wish. You just stopped believing. So the world shaped itself to what you thought it was. You accepted it and the true reality was lost. Are you going to keep living your life the way you were taught to? Or would you chase after something so beautiful and true?

(Something I just wrote, have no idea what it will turn into, any reviews or feedback is appreciated! I honestly don't know if I'm any good at writing)

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45 Reviews

Points: 3465
Reviews: 45

Tue Jul 17, 2012 3:11 pm
prolixity wrote a review...

Hi! I won't review this as a finished piece of writing, since you said it isn't.

I will say I found it very interesting, and yes, you should keep going with it! I probably wouldn't suggest including what you've written, but just use the great ideas here to write something new. I don't know what you normally write, but I usually write realistic short stories. The first paragraph by itself has a lot of potential to become a short story about a child "learning" one of those "truths" and how it changes them.

But the idea in the second paragraph would make a great sci-fi/fantasy story! You'd have to figure out a way to make it believable, though, and I don't have any suggestions for that. My realistic-fiction self says you could write about an adult that has somehow stayed a child, and explore the effects of that.

Or, you could write about an adult looking at his/her child and wondering about the questions you bring up.

There are so many directions you could take this! I'm excited to read what you come up with.

Thanks Prolixity! Your right that the tones of the two paragraphs are different. I'm not really sure where I'm going with it but you gave me some great ideas!

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Points: 812
Reviews: 1

Tue Jul 17, 2012 7:22 am
esnym wrote a review...

Nice, ;) This is very interesting and ha a lot of potential, depending on where you're planning to go with this.
In my opinion, the first paragraph is just a teensy bit more intriguing than the second. The last two sentences seem off to me, I'm not sure what it is that bugs me, but I tink it's a personal dislike for ending paragraphs with questions.

This can be taken with a grain of salt as it is a matter of personal opinion, but I think if you made the last couple of statements more decisive, it would sound a little more mysterious and engaging. You're not asking the reader for an opinion, but introducing him or her to the world you created, drawing them in, lifting the curtain on this new and beautiful reality.

That is, if you intend it to be that way. To really give a full review, I'd need to know where you're going with this? Is it going to be an epic adventure in which the hero battles the evil closet monster? Is it an ethereal journey into a world we once knew that is lost? Is it a romance that takes place in this universe?

Or perhaps, the setting is simply the real world but the character is a dreamer who likes to think these things are true? (I'm assuming that's not the case.)

Either way, I think you're off to a good, intriguing start that makes me want to know more. If you expand on it, you can turn it into something great.

Thanks esnym! I see what you mean by the last two sentences. I think your right in the sense it could be stated differently. I will work on it for sure!

I was weeping as much for him as her; we do sometimes pity creatures that have none of the feeling either for themselves or others.
— Emily Bronte, Wuthering Heights