Chapter one.
“Elizabeth! Beth wake up!”
It was the first day back at school after the summer, and although I was excited to see my friends and whatnot, I was still tired as per usual and couldn’t bring myself to get out of bed. My Dad himself looked like he didn’t want to be up either, but as usual he was his chirpy self and managed to bribe me out of bed with his secret recipe hot chocolate.
Sitting at the table, Dad put his mug down and looked at his watch.
“Come on, we best leave,” he said, putting on his jacket.
Groaning, I walked over to the sink, put my mug inside and did up the buttons of my cardigan.
“Ready?” Dad asked from outside the house.
“Yeah,” I cried, skipping outside.
Ten minutes later, Dad and I arrived at the school gates.
“Have a nice day, dear,” he smiled, kissing my cheek. “Love you lots.”
“Love you too,” I replied, genuinely.
To me, my Dad was more than just a Father. He was my role model, my guardian; my best friend. Letting go of him, I smiled, walked out of the car and over to my friends: Adeline, Tara and April.
“Hey,” they said together, greeting me.
I was just about to say “hi” when Tara interrupted me, as usual. I could never get a word in when she was around! Checking nobody was around, she said in a hushed tone, “Look over at that new boy.” She pointed to him. “He’s hot, right? But not a patch on my Timmy.”
I sighed. I and just about everyone else hated it when Tara went on about her ‘perfect’ boyfriend: Timothy Deacon. However, I looked up and realised this new boy was hot; in fact he was beyond compare! Trying not to faint, I said to my friends, “Wow, he is hot! I wonder if he’ll notice me...”
“Of course he will!” April replied, not sounding so sure of what she was saying. “You’re gorgeous.”
I sighed, again. I hated it when people called me gorgeous, I hated attention altogether. It made me feel uncomfortable, like people were watching me... I just didn’t like it. But attention from this new boy would be the best thing in the world! Just by looking at him, I could read him like a book. I’d always had this gift. I could tell by the way he was leant against the wall that he obviously didn’t want to be here, and wasn’t interested in making any friends, which was sad because I wanted so badly to talk to him! He was hot and certainly couldn’t go by unnoticed! After about 30 seconds of thinking, I asked Tara (who thought she was an expert on boys after having only one boyfriend: Deacon) “Should I go talk to him, or will I look desperate?”
“Just go talk to him,” Adeline sighed, noticing that I was getting fidgety.
At last, an excuse to talk to him!
“Sure?” I beamed.
“Sure,” the rest of the gang agreed.
So, as cool as I could, I strutted up to the new boy, trying not to look a fool. Flipping my fringe out of my eyes, I simply said, “Hi.”
A couple of seconds passed before he echoed, “Hi.”
He didn’t seem so happy to talk to me; maybe I should just leave it... But I couldn’t. He was so cute, so I just began to ramble on about nothing.
“Cool,” he said in a husky tone.
“Well, welcome to Lakewood Central Academy. Do you need help finding your way or anything?” I asked, trying not to drool.
“Thanks... but no,” the new boy said flatly.
He didn’t seem too friendly; it was hard keeping up a conversation...
“Well have a nice time,” I replied, sad that the conversation was basically over.
“Thanks again,” the new boy said, smiling at last. “It’s nice to meet you. I’m Antonio by the way.”
Antonio, what an amazing name, for an amazing person. I couldn’t say this though, so I just said, “Wow, that’s a lovely name. I’m Elizabeth, but friends call me Liz, Beth, Bettie...”
Actually, only my Mom had ever called me Liz, and she left me when I was eight and now I was sixteen.
“I’ll call you Liz,” Antonio smiled.
I wasn’t used to this nickname, but I just smiled and said, “Okay.”
More could have been said, but the bell went, so I just said bye and walked off to class.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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Hey there! You did a very good job. You seem to have a very good idea of who the characters are and what they behave like. Here are some things I would like to comment on:
First off, make a new paragraph every time a different person speaks. Right now, this just looks a big block of text. It will look a lot more appealing when you have spaces.
Second, make the story have more "oomph". This is very nice writing, I really must say, but I've read this kind of story literally dozens of times. If you are already planning on going somewhere different than, "pretty girl meets taciturn boy, they fall in love, break up, fall in love again", story, good job. Otherwise...
What did she ramble on about? I would really like to know. This would have potential to be a hilarious introduction.
OVERALL:
Very good job! Work on the plot, but your characters are solid. Grammatically, you did very well too. Keep it up!
PS. Remember to give other people reviews, so they will do the same!