Young Writers Society

It moves a bit too quickly for my liking. Why is it that he suddenly loves her? Also, there are many grammar mistakes. Try to integrate good grammar into your writing. Otherwise, good plot, though it is similar to many books I have read. Keep writing as there is some potential in this work.

[qout]After the longest, saddest, loneliest summer of my life. [/quote]

to many adjectives. Also this is a fragment

uhm, i really like the idea of the plot, you know? its really good. I think its a little over-dramatic. Take your time with the situations that happen, just don't place them all at once. Make it realistic, they met eyes once, and the next time they meet he loves her already? please be realistic!
overall i like the plot.

Why did you use.... the name. ( you should know what i"m talking about.) Um, hmm. I liked it. I'm not going to give you a big critique, that will come tomorrow. I'll pm u. I liked the drama. It's good. yOu can edit the story with the edit button at the top of your thread. ( I had someone else telling me this so, yeah.) Bye.

Never mind, I'll do the huge critique today. Well, here I go!!!

Note: I am not trying to be rude or anything, so if you disagree with something, just PM me. I am always willing to talk with people about this. Don't take any of this personally. I will mostly be making corrections and stuff like that, so bear with me...

The worst thing to wait for is your father to come home. It has been so long since i’ve seen the shine in his eyes, the teeth showing smile, the wavy golden hair. I was never going to see those features again.

i've = I've

He had to be for at least two years in Iraq. Then that dreadful day, a day of tears and sorrow, loss of control around me. The captain called to tell us the terrible news, Mark Watson was dead.

“Caridee!” Mother screams at me from the bottom of the stairs.

“What?” I answer, it was 5:30 a.m. I knew why she was calling me, it was to wake me up for the first day of school. After the longest, saddest, loneliest summer of my life.

“Get up, right now!”

“Okay mom.”

Just to let you know >> you should always capitalize Mom when you are talking directly to her, like in the instance above. So this should read, "Okay, Mom."

First day of Senior year. Everyone thinks it is so exciting, ooh aah, well its not that great. To think about leaving my mom to go to college and leave her. The thought of that sent shivers down my spine.

I wore skinny jeans and a tight, stripped tank top. I curled my hair, and did my make up. Off i went to go eat breakfast.

i = I. I will not point out any more of those; you should be able to catch them if you read through this carefully.

“Did you sleep good?” My mom asks as she serves me eggs, bacon, milk, and toast.

You switch tenses right here; a thing that I do a ton! Don't worry, I'll point all of them out. serves = served

“Yup,” thats how i always answered even if i didn’t.

Remember to capitalize all of the I's!!!!

“Are you excited, last year of high school.”

This is a question, so it should end in a ?

“What’s the difference of this year than last?”

This should read, "What's the difference BETWEEN this year and the last?"

“Well i don’t know. New oppurtunities, new friends,”My mom knew i had friends, but she wanted me to have more. In fact i have a lot of friends. I don’t know if they are real friends or not. No boyfriend, lots of past ones but no one has really caught my eye. I don’t think they really like me for me. Probly only my body, my friends, my money, i don’t know.

opportunities = oppurtunities. And make sure that you capitalize the I's! Probly = Probably.

I live in L.A. right on the beach. Thats where i spend most of my time. It’s easy to think there. Ig o to Los Angelous Bay High School. I haven’t thought about college yet, once again it scares me.

This should read, "I go to Los Angeles"

I hop in my car i drive, and drive to school. New year, here i come.

You switched tenses again. This should be "I hopped in my car..."

As I walk up to the front door i give like a bajillion hugs. I turned around to wave at someone and tripped over my own foot. My books were scattered on the floor. I had twisted my ankle bad. I tried to stand up but it hurt to bad.

“Are you alright?” A cute blonde guy with a british accent came over to help pick up my books.

British should be capitalized.

“Uhhh, actually my ankle hurts,” Our eyes locked. I could see sympathy and worry in his eyes. He picked up the last book and handed them to me.

“Thanks.”

“Sure, let me help you to the nurse.”

“Okay,” with his arm around me, supporting me all the way to the nurse.

“Hi, she sprained her ankle, can you help her?” He was so very polite, and helpful. That british accent didn’t help the cause either.

Capitalize it again!

“Yeah, sure.” the nurse replied.

“Are you okay?”

“Yeah I’m fine except for the humiliation.”

“Aw. It wasn’t that bad.”

“You’re right I’ve been through worse.” He recieved a puzzled look on his face. Our eyes locked again. I could feel his eyes telling me to explain what it had been. I wasn’t ready to talk about it yet. I’ve never talked about it, only thought.

“By the way, I’m Will.”

“Nice to meet you, I’m Caridee.”

“Wow.”

“What?”

“You’re really pretty.”

“Oh. Thanks.”

“You’re welcome.” His eyes gleamed with happiness, but still very sympathetic and calm.

“You know i’m fine here.”

“Are you sure?”

“Yeah. You go to class.”

“Umm. Okay. Hey i was wondering if maybe you and I could go out sometime.” i was falling for him, but i couldn’t have a boyfriend. No, it would take up to much time and energy.

“Well, maybe we could be friends first.”

“oh. Sure, Yeah.” i could see the sadness in his eyes. As much as I wanted to say yes, i couldn’t. He left leaving me with nothing but his name, and face.

Ahh...this isn't exactly realistic. Try reading these things out loud. This isn't really what you would say, would it be? Try to reword it if you can.

As I arrive home and walk into the house, there my mom is, kissing on some guy on the couch.

You switch tenses here again. It's fine; just something to improve on. I'll see if you know how to correct this sentence. Make sure that you make it PAST TENSE not PRESENT TENSE.

“MOM!”

“Cari, hun, your home.”

“Mom, how could you, not after dad.”

“Honey.”

“Don’t honey me. I get it. Youre completley over dad.” I ran up stairs plopped on my bed. I tried not to, but i burst into tears.

I could hear my mom downstairs. “I’m so sorry. I don’t know what’s wrong with her.”

“It’s okay. I need to go anyway.”

“Bye. Still on for tomorrow?”

“Yea.”

I waited for her to come see me, but she never did. In a way i was very happy, but also very sad. I feel like she doesn’t care what I think. Why should anyone?

While all of this was pumping through my head i fell asleep. I had this crazy dream about Will. We were older, like 20 maybe. He was holding my as we walked through the street. He walked me into the restraunt and pulled out a........

Ahhh! Only use three little dots, not a whole bunch. That way it looks much cleaner. You have to do the same thing down there somewhere. *points down*

“Cari” it was my kiss-on-some-guy-and-not-tell-me mom. “Cari, hun are you awake?”

“No, i’m not now go away,” my face was buried into my pillow so the sound barely got through.

“Oh, come on. I wanted to tell you, I was just afraid you would act like, like........”

“Like this,” i had interrupted her because i know what she was thinking and it shouldn’t matter what she’ll think ill act like i should have been told about it. She sat down on the side of the bed and started to scratch my back. Even though it felt really good, i was still mad.


“How do you know?”

“I just know him.”

“Well, maybe, maybe youre wrong.” I was hoping she was wrong so i could have our family the way it was now, not with a new addition.

“Maybe. I’m not trying to replace him, just to move on.”

“Why would you want to move on?”

“Because i love him.”

I was really confused now, she wanted to move on because she loves him/
“What?”

“I love him so much, i could sit around and mope all day. But i dont, i get up. I move on. It’s because i love him.” I turned around on my back to look at her.

Ahhh...this made me have warm fuzzies. Great job!

“I think i understand now.”

“Do you see? I could never stop loving your father, but i cant just sit around and wait for a miracle.” I understood completly. Even though i was still not happy with her dating i understood.

I realized that if i liked Will, i should go for it. My mom would be fine. I cant just let something i can’t control take over my life.

When i arrive at school i saw some friends and started talking. Will passed by and we exchanged glances. He silently passed bye me. I could feel the coldness around him. I regreted not saying yes.

These glances filled wiht coldness went on for around two weeks. I was so heartbroken that he was heartbroken. The next day i saw him i stopped him. I was so sick of the nonsense.

“Why are you so mad?”

“Well, I’m not mad, just dissapointed.”

“I’m sorry i didnt mean to hurt you.”

“i just thought we had a connection, you know?” There it was again his smooth british accent. It was almost as if it were his secret weapon to draw people in.

Remember to capitalize British. And before posting anything else, run it through the spell check on Word or whatever you are typing this on. There are many spelling mistakes. Or there is a spell check on YWS. Use them. They are your best friend.

“I do know, i felt it too.”

“Then why did you say no?” As he spoke his eyes filled with confusion.

“I....I”

“What? You can tell me.”

“I was scared but I’m over that now, I figured it out.”

“Scared? Scared of what?”

“Look i’m not ready to talk about it.”

“Fine. Its to late anyway.”

“what?”

“I found someone new.” These word felt like they were burning through my heart. How could he have found someone new.

“Who?”

“Sarah Livingston.”

“HER!!!”

“Why? Do you know her?” I knew her alright. Sarah had been my worst enemy since the second grade. I hated her. Once she stuck chocolate pudding on my chair. I sat in it, so everyone thought i pooped my pants.

“No.I dont know her.”

“oh. well we should all hang out som.....”

“No!!!!”

“Okay. Sorry.”

“Look, i have to go, i’m sorry it didnt work out.”

“Okay. well see yo later.” I just walked away without saying anything. I was so sad, no mad, no hurt. All of them mixed together. This is what happens when i open my heart, it gets broken. Now, i dont know what to do. Not only is he with another girl, shes my worst enemy.

I could barely stand being at school the rest fo the day. Once I got home, it was no better. My mom was all happy and cheery, and i was just not in the mood.

“Hi honey how was you day?”

“Terrible.” Her smile disappeared.

“Why?”

“I dont want to talk about it.”

“Oh okay.”

I hit the bed and stared into the eyes of my ceiling. I thought about what he had said, “well to late, i already found someone.” How hurtful those words were then, but now i was so numb that they didnt even sting. I thought about how stupid i was to think that something like this could work out for me. I dozed off into a trance. Then it was interrupted as always by the sound of my mothers voice.

“Honey, I’m going out.” She walked into the room, “I won’t be back until late.”

“What time?”

“One the latest.”

“Okay.”

“Dinner in the oven.”

“Fine.” I went back to staring at the ceiling.

Eventually i got hungry. So i went downstairs to eat. In the oven there was a potato cassarole, my favorited. Suddenly the doorbell rang. It scared me so bad i dropped my fork. I went to go answer the door. It was Will.

“Hi,” He smiled brightly as if nothing had happened earlier.

“Um. Hi.”

“Look, i didnt like the way we ended this morning.”

“Me either, but i didnt think you cared.”

“Well I do care. I really want us to be friends.”

“I want us to be friends too.” I really did , but I didn’t know if i could handle it. “Do you want to come in?”

“Yea.” He entered. He gave a look around, he had a look of concentration and admiration, “Nice place."

“Thanks.” We locked eyes once again. This time it seemed the softness in his eyes had vanished.

“ You can sit down?”

“Okay, thanks” he found the couch and made himself comfortable.

“Would you like to watch a movie.”

“Yea. Sure.” I put in a movie. We sat close to each other but not to close. It was silent. “So why do you hate Sarah?”

“I never said i hated her.”

“Well, you sure sounded like it.”

“Okay, your right, i do hate her.”

“Why?”

“She’s mean.”

“Good reason.” i could hear the sarcasim in his voice. It was the only reason i could think of she just did completely random mean things.

“I dont really know why we’ve just been rivals for so long.”

“Oh.” He looked back to the movie. All was silent again. “So where’s your parents.?”

“Well moms out on a date, and no dad.”

“Oh. Well you have to have a dad somewhere.” I paused thinking about where my dad was. He could tell something was wrong with the question he just asked.

“He’s dead.”

“Oh my gosh, I’m so sorry. I didn’t know.”

“No, Its fine.”

“No, its not i hurt you.”

“Look i dont want to talk about it.”

“Fine.” he could see the sadness on my face. He leaned over and pulled me toward him. I just laid in his arms crying. It felt so good, so safe. I lifter my head to look at him. He leaned foreward to kiss me. I wanted to pull away because I knew if was wrong, but i just couldnt. He leaned back resting me on top of him. His hand lay rested on my back making me feel safe and warm. I rest my head on his chest. I know we both knew it was wrong.
“I should go,” He whispered ever so quietly in my ear.

“No don’t” I didnt want this moment to end. This moment caused my problems to be relieved.

“I have to, I’m sorry.”

“Then you shouldn’t have....”

“I know.”

“Does this mean we’re together?”

“No this NEVER happened.”

“Fine.” Will gets up and goes out the door. He turns around and whispers in my ear, “I love you.” I was to shocked to say anything back. He left without another sound. I immeditly went upstairs to bed. I found it hard to sleep though. The words he had whispered in my ear, they kept rolling through my head over and over. Then I was finally put slowly to sleep.

I woke once again by the sound of my mothers voice, but there was someone else. There was yelling of my mother and a man. I crept down the stairs and peaked around the corner. There my mom was backing slowly away from the man that i had caught her kissing. I suddenly realized that she had a giant, blood scratch across her face. Her nose was obviously bleeding. He had hit her, and hard.

“Mom!!”I ran out to try and stop him. He whipped around a striked me across the face. The force had pushed me onto the floor.

“Stay back!” i could tell he was serious. He gave a mean look to me. i reached my hand up to my face and found i was bleeding too. I got up and ran to my room. I picked up the phone to call 911, but i heard his car screech away. I ran downstairs skipping stairs. Then i found my mother lying on the floor, he eyes shut.

“Mom. Are you okay? I shook her. I had blood all over my hands and clothes. “MOM! Wake up mom!” I got up and called an ambulance to the scene. They arrived and took her away.

I crawled into my car. As i drove to the hospital i found my self sobbing. I passed Will on the side of the road. I knew he saw my face. When i got to the hospital, I brought my self together and walked inside.

“Hi, i’m looking for Sam Watson.”

“Hold on.” I looked at all the people sitting, waiting.

“Um. I’m really sorry but she didn’t live long enought to make it here.” The news barely mad sense at first. Then it hit me, my mother was dead. I had nobody left. I fell straight to my knees and started to sobbing. I felt arms wrap around me.

“It’ll be alright,” was whispered in my ear. I knew it was Will. Everything was blury, i barely remember being dragged to the car or driving home. I did realize that it wasn’t my house, i didnt know whos it was though.

I woke up to the sounds of bird chirping. Never again would i wake up to the sound of my mothers voice. I got out of bed and looked around the room. i looked in the mirror, i was wearing a big t-shirt i had never seen before. I went out the door that lead to the top of a stair case. I saw Will on the couch watching tv. I had wondered what had happened last night. Suddenly it hit me. Why i was here, what had just happened.

i let out a big moan. Once again falling. Will rushed up the stairs and caught me befor i could hit the floor. He wrapped his arms around me and i started to sobb. He rocked me back and forth. It felt good to know that there was someone who still cared for me.

“Shhhh. Shhhh.” His voice was calming and soft. His breath on the back of my neck was luke warm. I didnt know what to do, where i would stay. Who would take care of my mothers funeral. My father would have known what to do, he always did.

Hey! Well, I just wanted to say that I have read this and I liked it, all though there are numerous mistakes which I will kindly point out tomorrow. Great story though! Expect a big huge gigantic critique tomorrow so that I can should you all of those little things that everyone messes up on.

Just to let you know >> double space between each paragraph because it makes it easier to read.

And your story was great! I really liked it! So expect one of those big huge critiques tomorrow!

BBB

Hey please post a message
i want to know what you think
even though its not finished yet.
Please do