The following are records of computer data, excerpts from laws and regulations, and transcripts from various recording devices. They were used as evidence in the trial of Pilot Lee Whitman, astronaut. Prosecutors charged Whitman with 64 counts of reckless manslaughter, 4 counts of disregarding protocol, and 1 count of neglecting duty. Whitman was piloting the colony ship Hispania (200 passengers, 50 crew) and veered off course for disputed reasons. As a result, a meteor collided with the ship, disabling it and killing 58 colonists and 6 crewmembers. The survivors managed to put the Hispania into orbit around Luna and keep it there for 4 days until a rescue crew took them back to Earth.
Record from Navigational Computer of Hispania
/voice.status-confirmed\LeeWhitman\: CHANGE TRAJECTORY VALUE. PLUS ONE POINT THREE SIX ON X COORDINATE, PLUS FOUR POINT FIVE THREE Z COORDINATE.
/computer.text-display: TRAJECTORY CHANGE WILL RESULT IN COLLISION WITH HARMFUL DEBRIS. AUTOMATIC DODGING MANEUVER WILL BE CARRIED OUT AT NECESSARY TIME.
/voice.status-confirmed\LeeWhitman\: NEGATIVE. OVERRIDE DODGING MANEUVER AND CHANGE TO COURSE SET.
/computer.text-display: NOT ALLOWED. CONFIRM DODGING MANEUVER OR ATTEMPTED SABOTAGE REPORT WILL BE SENT AND ADMINISTRATOR ACCESS WILL BE REVOKED.
/voice.status-confirmed\LeeWhitman\: [EXPLETIVE DELETED] [UNINTELLIGIBLE] [EXPLETIVE DELETED] [UNINTELLIGIBLE] [EXPLETIVE DELETED] [EXPLETIVE DELETED]
ErrorReport: VoiceMicrophone1 unresponsive
/user.action-turnoff\completeshutdown\
Transcript Retrieved from Recording Device in Bridge of Colony Ship Hispania, Dated 11:23 AM GMT, June 22, 2056, Approx. 462,000 km From Earth
ERNEST MCGUIRE, PILOT: Lee, I need to talk to you.
LEE WHITMAN, PILOT: Go away.
ERNEST MCGUIRE: It’s really quite earnest.
LEE WHITMAN: Come back later.
ERNEST MCGUIRE: The ship is off course and it’s heading toward a meteor. If we don’t turn around soon, we’ll crash into it. We only have an hour left until we pass Crawford’s Gate*.
LEE WHITMAN: I... oh... [begins crying]
ERNEST MCGUIRE: What - why are you crying?
LEE WHITMAN: [unintelligible]
ERNEST MCGUIRE: What was that?
LEE WHITMAN: I’d been drinking. [cries]
ERNEST MCGUIRE: What?! Why would you do that? They don’t allow pilots to drink.
LEE WHITMAN: I’m so sorry [cries]... I couldn’t [unintelligible]
ERNEST MCGUIRE: It doesn’t matter now. We need to turn the ship around, soon.
LEE WHITMAN: We can’t. It’s too late.
ERNEST MCGUIRE: No it’s not. We have an hour.
LEE WHITMAN: I broke the microphone.
ERNEST MCGUIRE: I - but - we need to change to text command - and that takes an hour to reconfigure...
LEE WHITMAN: Quick! Hurry! [both leave room]
*Definition of Crawford’s Gate as Found in the Official List of Space Navigation Terms:
Crawford’s Gate is the proximity of a spacecraft to an object at which the spacecraft cannot escape from the object’s gravity well with enough fuel left to make it to a refueling station. The location of Crawford’s Gate depends on the gravity of the object, the trajectory and fuel level of the spacecraft, and the location of the nearest refueling station.
Transcript Retrieved from Recording Device in Quarters of Pilot Ernest McGuire on Colony Ship Hispania, Dated 1:34 PM GMT, June 23, 2056, Approx. 382,000 km from Earth
[LEE WHITMAN] Ernest, I need to talk to you.
[ERNEST MCGUIRE] Sure.
[LEE WHITMAN] I - I know what I did was unforgivable. But we’ve known each other for years now, and I was wondering if, well.... There’s going to be a trial. The captain said so. Sixty-four dead. I - could you put a word in for me? Please? [long pause follows]
[ERNEST MCGUIRE] All right. I’ll try. You understand I can’t promise anything -
[LEE WHITMAN] Thank you! Oh, bless your heart, thank you thank you thank you! [continues unintelligibly]
Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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139,777 Literary Works • 672,752 Reviews
I agree with what the Raven said below, so I will try not to reiterate. This was a really unique format for a story and I didn't know if I'd like it, but it worked well with your topic. There is so much information you've left out, though, and I'd like to know more about the events in the story. You could flesh this story out a lot more. What are the results of the trial? I'd like to know that as well.
I like how you provided the definition of Crawford's Gate and, although you used some jargon, you did not overwhelm your audience with terminology that would inhibit an understanding of the plot. I completely followed what was happening. This was interesting to read and I would be curious to read something else in this format
Ok, I'm sorry, but, I found this vaugly confusing. The way you sort of switched topics confused me, even though this is just supposed to be a collection of information.
Still, I like the creativity. I watch an awesome sifi show, so I was automatically attracted to this.
I like the story this tells, it's interesting, and, it seems to give hope to the guy at the end.
herby
And I shall review it for you then. I am the Raven, and I will be reviewing this work at this moment. My review will be divided into The Good and What Needs Improvement/Suggestion section. Now let's get down to business, shall we?
The Good:
1) The form of the short story you have chosen is very unique, and it aids in the immersion, in the believability of the story.
2) You possess a very good command of the English language. I didn't notice any errors. Even if there were, I simply did not notice them. Vocabulary and sentence structure's all good.
What Needs Improvement/Suggestions:
1) Your characters have no motivation. Why did Lee get drunk? Why did Ernest want to put in a good word for Lee? Why, of all things, did Lee change the destination coordinates of the Hispania? Why not just trash the lounge and be done with it? I don't see anything getting implied either.
2) The plot offers little. Colony ship disaster due to a drunk pilot. End of story. There's too little for a good embedded moral of the story. Neither is it anything new.
3) That said, there is no pay-off by the end of the story. There's no plot twists, nothing new to learn, and no message conveyed.
4) Some parts of your world defeats the believability and realism of the story. I couldn't bring myself to believe at all that something as important as a colony ship in the middle of the 21st century could not be controlled by text input without an hour of reconfiguration, when even a simple computer or an Iphone could receive inputs from more than audio and textual sources.
5) It would have been awesome if you wrote about how the crew managed to avoid what seemed to be inevitable destruction. That's quite a missed opportunity, not that you can't take it in the next draft.
This work has potential. With good form and language, and rudimentary world-building, this can go quite a distance. For now, it is quite bare-bones, if even that, but the skeleton is strong. You just have to add the flesh to it now, and there's alot to add.