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The Dark Sea

by kinandre


It rages.

It roars.

It rises.

It calls.

In the middle of a happy world,

it thunders.

But no one hears.

And no one knows.

Then a boat wanders;

a soul gets lost.

How it came there,

it doesn’t know.

No more turns,

no way back.

The more it fights,

the more it’s stuck.

The waves overwhelm;

the boat sinks.

And down to the dark murky depths,

falls the lost little soul.

It swims to the surface,

but deeper it drowns.

The monsters of the sea,

await with drooling mouths.

It screams underwater,

and breathes its last.

The sea rages on,

the louder it roars.

Back in the happy world,

no one hears.

The absence of the lost soul,

still no one knows.

But little do they know,

wanders another troubled soul.

And the dark sea rages on,

calling for the lost little soul.


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28 Reviews


Points: 1394
Reviews: 28

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Fri Dec 18, 2020 6:37 pm
ThemagicalEbonyFox wrote a review...



Hi kiandre, I'm Ebony. I'm practicing getting back into reviewing so here it goes.
I love the use of repetition in this poem, especially the repetitions of the pronouns.

The sea rages on,

the louder it roars.

This part doesn't quite flow for me. Is it the sea you are saying is roaring here? Normally when you use a comparative adjective in this way it is either followed by or preceded by something else. For example "the bigger they are, the harder they fall" is a classic one. You actually did this type of thing earlier in the poem when you said:
The more it fights,

the more it’s stuck.


Are you trying to say "as the sea rages on, the louder it roars"? A connecting word like "as" in this context makes it clear what the message is meant to be. It feels a bit disjunct otherwise.

The other people who've reviewed this have already touched on the amount of times the word "soul" is repeated at the end so I don't need to talk about that.
However, I love the cinematic approach you have. You can imagine a camera panning between all the different images and it really adds to the mysterious and tense atmosphere you've created.
Keep it up!
Ebony




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67 Reviews


Points: 3506
Reviews: 67

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Fri Dec 18, 2020 4:12 pm
Yoshikrab wrote a review...



Hi! I'm Yoshi, and I'm here to give you a review!

Love this poem! It has very, very short lines, which makes it a little weird to me, but I don't have too big of a problem for it.

First, you should probably edit this so it is shown in the "Poetry" Section.

Second, Welcome to YWS!!!! Happy you're here!

Third, here is the review:


Okay, so lets start at the end.

The absence of the lost soul,

still no one knows.

But little do they know,

wanders another troubled soul.

And the dark sea rages on,

calling for the lost little soul.


You use "Soul" way too much here. If you used another word instead, it would have been easier to understand. It's not a big problem, but it is definitely a place where you can improve.

The rest of the poem seems to refer to a wild animal or creature that is living. I like how you abstractly, metaphorically describe the sea as a living being.

You keep the theme of your poem throughout the poem the entire time, so that's great.

Other than that, it doesn't seem that there are any other problems or things I can point out. It's a great poem and I'm excited for more!

Bon Voyage!

-y0sH!




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86 Reviews


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Reviews: 86

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Fri Dec 18, 2020 9:25 am
MoonIris wrote a review...



Hi, kinandre,
I'm here with a review.
I really liked your poem. I think it's simple but it's also very interesting. I like the fact that the verses are short. It gives us an impression that the action is happening really quickly and there is not much time to act. I would also characterize this poem as a vivid one because we get a clear picture of how the sea is because of the words you use but also the way your poem is structure.
'It rages.

It roars.

It rises.

It calls.'
This is my favorite part because it's an engaging beginning and also the way you describe it we think that the sea is a wild animal, a dangerous beast.

I would also like to point out the rhyme scheme. I'm not sure if you tried to do one or not but sometimes we have some kind of rhymes, like in the first 4 lines. I think that adding rhymes at every line will make it even more interesting. Also because the lines are so short if you add rhymes it will be easier to remember.
One more thing is the repetition of the word soul. Until this line "falls the lost little soul." you're talking about the sea and then suddenly there is a little soul. I like this although towards the end you repeat three times the word soul.
"The absence of the lost soul,"
"wanders another troubled soul."
"calling for the lost little soul."
Between the first time, you mentioned it, and these three repetitions you don't use the word, and for me, it feels as the repetition is heavy towards the end. I would consider maybe repeating it only twice in the end and maybe once in between. You should do it as you think sounds best but I think there's just a little too much repetition in the end and nowhere else.

I hope my review helped you and have a great day/afternoon/evening,
MoonIris. :)





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