This poetry is dedicated to a friend of mine.
How could you,
Leave me alone,
Crying ,
Without any love?
How could you,
Think I'm happy,
With this kind of life,
Surrounded by lies?
How could you,
Create such hurtful lies,
And take away,
All my happiness?
How could you,
Do such a thing as,
Break my heart,
When it's already in a thousand pieces?
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125,014 Literary Works • 672,845 Reviews
Hello, Alicia! I'm glad to finally read a poem by you.
My comments in #FF0080 ">pinkish fonts.
This is quite a sad poem. The sentence highlighted above is all that I could criticize really, 'Cause it's already such a nice poem. Keep it up, girl!
repeating "how could you? really places emphasis on it. It's really strong. I like the last stanza a lot. What if you put it first?
I liked it, but, yeah, everyone else has already covered it.
enjoyed reading this poem,
its sad but interesting
a very well written poem
well done
happy writing
This was really good. I liked it. I'm sorry that this happened to you. You could feel the sadness. You're an amazing writer and any one can tell that from the way you write. Keep writing. You're good
When I read the subject, I was truly intrigued, but I honestly love this. If it's for a friend that has hurt you, as the wording suggests, you've really captured it.
This part is a lovely way to finish the poem, and it isn't even just the wording, but it's also the fact that some people may feel tears stinging in their eyes. It's personal on a level, but I think several people can connect to this.
Brilliant job. xx
I liked this. It was very short and to the point. I would like to know more though. What happened between them? Why was her heart already in a thousand pieces? Tell us more. Add a flashback, or hint at it in the poem. let the reader, me, understand where the subject is coming from so that I can really for sad for them. You know what I mean? Also, try adding more imagery. You say a lot about emotion here, but nothing for us to imagine. Its okay to leave descriptions out to allow the reader some imagination, but at least add something. Its is kind of bland. I liked it though.
Try doing these things and pm me what you come up with.
Hi, kikialicia31! This poem covers so much emotion in such a simple way - I really enjoyed it. I think SilentRain covered most of what I wanted to say - the commas and the question marks are definitely things you should fix. I agree about the cliche at the end as well - you could definitely think of something more original to say there. However, I don't think you need to tell us why this happened or what led up to it - it doesn't matter. All that matters is the emotion you are experiencing after the break-up; it a single window into a single emotion, and that's perfectly fine. Look forward to reading more from you!
-Liz
This is a great poem!! I've never really been able to write poems so I think anyone who can is talented. The only thing I saw that is wrong with it is 'Do such thing as' do you mean 'Do such things as' or 'Do such a thing as'? It would make more sense that way. Right, well, keep on writing!!
#8040BF ">Alzora
Well, this is like a lot of poems I have read... You should add more about why you feel this way, what made you feel this way, what was done, stuff like that, right now all your telling us is that you had a friend and you don't know how the could have hurt you like they did... You didn't hint at how they hurt you, which if we knew, would give us a better understanding. You sould add some type of imagry, metaphor, similie, or somethink in here...
I also think that if you put the "?" at the end of each sentence instead of after each "How could you" It would sound better... The "?" always made me pause and messed up the flow...
Over all, if you added more detail r=this could be a pretty good poem, the thing is that the subject is very common and most people have written about it, so to make it great, you need to write it in a way people really haven't use metaphors that others don't really accaseate with this topic, the same with similies and what ever else you deside to throw in there... I hope I didn't offend, I don't mean to be harsh, only to help...
~Rain~
Hi kikialicia31,
This is my first time reviewing your work, so I'll try to be nice!
Well done! I thought the whole concept of the poem was good. Repitition can be very annoying in a lot of pieces but it worked well in this when you repeated; "How could you?" Its a hard-hitting and direct line to repeat. Very good.
For me, I think it could have more of a rhythm to it. I think you should dwell deeper into the emotions and feelings of this poem, and extend the lines so it has a better rhythm and a nicer flow. I felt the lines were a bit too short, making it very awkward to read.
But, I loved the last line of the last stanza. It was really good!
Well done and best wishes for future pieces!
RedLeaf
Thanks for the reviews and I was doing this in my class so I can't really think straight.
This is a really good poem. The repetition is very effective.
Having said that, I feel that some of the stanzas don't flow very nicely.
[quote="kikialicia31"]How could you?
Leave me alone
Crying
Without any love.
quote]
I'm asuming that the entire stanza is a question, but only the first line comes accross as one. The rest is more of a command.
I think TIGERSPRITE covered everything else.
Hi there, Kikialicia!
There's a lyric-like vibe to this poem, it could almost be a song! I like the subtle emotion it divulges, although I must say the implementation is quite average and hardly surprising or fresh.
Repetition is sometimes an effective device, but only when it's done intentionally. Hence, I won't go criticising the "How could you?"s, because they're obviously meant to be there, and work well in this case. However, it's those small places that escape our eyes at times that require reconsidering. For example, you use the word "lies" in two stanzas, as well as "love". It's quite funny, isn't it -- you'd think that "love" and, say, "lies" are some of the most important words to use in a poem about a let-down lover, while in reality it's quite the contrary. The truly interesting love poems are those which never even whisper the L word on their lines. The same goes for cliches like "break my heart". So, that's something to think about.
One thing that can be paid attention is the rhythm -- basically, the length of each line. When there are both short and long lines in a stanza, the rhythm becomes disrupted, so by evening the lines you allow the rhythm to emerge.
Overall, I can't say I was very fascinated by this particular poem, because the subject is so mediocre and overused. Keep writing, though!
Demeter
x
Good poem, I like the repetition:
The only small nitpicks I have are in the third stanza:
If it's a break-up (which I assume it is) the person would hardly take away your love, they would stop loving . Something along the lines of this would have been better for the last two lines:
And prove false
Our/your love
And the other nitpick:
'Do this to me,' and 'Breaking my heart' don't mesh well. Again, you should have written something along the lines of:
How could you?
Do such a thing as
Break my heart
It was already in a thousand pieces
Overall, it was good. Just go over it once more, but well done for the effort.
TIGERSPRITE