Tomato King, Potato Queen Prologue : Mannapped (yeah that's right I'm not a CHILD) By Vegetable People

This is not a joke. If you think this is a joke, I urge you to turn back right now. If you’re not going to listen to me, I’m going to try like this.

Hark brave traveller hear me! This story is not for the faint hearted! This story of mine – has pain! Has passion! Tyrants! Violence! And weird swear word substitutes! Beware – for juice shall be spilled! And justice shall be served! With salad dressing!

Don’t say I didn’t warn you…..

My story starts the way most stories do. It starts when I’m abducted by little vegetable people in the middle of the might and thrown down your average magic rabbit hole to reach the Vegetable Kingdom.

Now, I know what you're thinking.

You're thinking, What kind of vegetable people?

It was the asparagus kind.

I’m not sure how exactly but a bunch of these people broke into my house and carried me off under the cover of darkness. They took me to the forest and threw me down the rabbit hole. I remember waking up screaming just tumbling through infinite darkness while green blobs rappelled down near me. If it wasn’t for the giant mushroom I'm pretty sure I would’ve died that day.

But I didn’t. I bounced off the mushroom and fell on the ground. The fall cleared my head a little and I sat up, all around me was a lush green forest, bright emerald with a cool breeze. I sat there confused, until I saw the asparagus come up to me.

I stared at them, my eyes the size of saucers. I was quite mesmerised by them. They were quite short, and came up only to my waist, eye level when I was sitting. Their skin was green, eyes were emerald, the skin seemed smooth but their hair was tall and shot up like asparagus shoots. They were thin and lean, like little sticks.

Everything was fine till they attacked me, without any provocation! All two dozen of them just jumped on me! I screamed in fear and pranced around, trying to wave my arms and legs but those little sticky dudes were strong. Before I knew it I was on the ground, bound being dragged away into the forest.

I’m not going to lie, I was scared, I though a witch had abducted me, as far as I was aware witches didn’t normally use vegetable sidekicks, but then what did I know?

They dragged me for a while and I stopped struggling after a bit. Just stared and the sky and canopy, my throat hoarse from screaming. They just kept pulling me around, left, right, left, right, left, right, left, zig-zaggidy-zag. 

Eventually they brought me to a kind of grove and untied me. I got up shakily, dusting myself off pulling grass and mud out of my hair and clothes. When I looked up, I saw that I was surrounded by vegetable people. All kinds of them! Onions, Capsicums (all colours), carrots, radishes, beetroots, eggplants, beans etc, etc, etc.

They were actually kinda cute, they stared at me with a look of anticipation. The little asparagus people surrounded me, standing in attention as if they were guarding me. Everybody seemed to be waiting, and I soon found out what they were waiting for.

Before long I saw two other vegetable people making their way towards me. One was a tomato man. He was a little round, and red. His skin was shiny, his hair was curly green spikes and his face was filled with tomato seed acne. He was wearing a crown and royal red robes. Next to him was a lady. She was white, but was smiling unlike her husband. She wore potato skin royal clothes and had smooth flowing brown hair. I liked her.

I was the tallest person there. They all barely came up to my waist. The tomato man opened his mouth, “Child!”, he boomed, “I am Tomatus Tornelious! King of the Vegetable Kingdom! This is my wife, our Queen, Potatious Porena! We have summoned you here today to serve your due!”

“I’m NOT a CHILD!”

The King puffed, “You are not 14-year-old Tuffy Tobbyman?! The child magician?!”

“Well – well yes, but I’m not a child!”

“Quiet! That is not important! You have been summoned to serve the crown! You must travel to the enemy kingdom and kill their king!”

“What no! I can’t do that! I have summer camp from tomorrow! Besides why should I help you! I won’t do it!”

The king enlarged in rage and roared in his tinny voice, “Spinous Gourdeous! Punish this Hooman child!”

A green pear-shaped man, covered in tiny spikes, who was standing guard next to the Queen stepped forward - and kicked me.

"THWACK!"

"OUCH!!! Okay, okay, okay I'll do it! OWWWWW!!!!” I hopped around clutching my knee. The crowd roared in approval. The kind pounded his twig sceptre, “Provide the Hooman with resources!” he commanded.

And then the asparagus people dragged me away again.

Now before you start judging me, bear in mind, I was a child when this happened. And child me was stupid.