Published February 13, 2008
I just wrote this a few minutes ago. Please read it and tell me what you think and what I could improve!
I JUST CALLED TO SAY I LOVE YOU
Andrea looked at the telephone, wondering when he would call. She knew that it wouldn’t be long. Brian was, after all, never late, and he certainly wouldn’t miss a chance to talk to her. It’s 9:05. Five more minutes.
She looked at herself in the mirror on the back of her door. She had to admit, she was the prettiest girl in Youngerstown High. Every boy envied the chance to date her, to care for her, to be the one who loved her with his whole being. She was only sixteen, and many of the eighteen-year-old boys would ask her out, choosing to ignore the girls their own age and go for her. They just all want me for my body, the pigs. She looked again at the phone on her end table, and then at the clock next to it. The minute hand was just reaching ten after, and she hurriedly rushed to her bed and plopped down, knowing that any moment she would hear a ring, followed by the familiar voice she had grown to love so much over the past few months. But now, it was over. She had to tell him.
“There he is,” she muttered as the phone rang. She paused a moment before answering so that she wouldn’t seem too eager to talk to him. “Hello,” she said.
“Andrea, it’s me, Brian.” She recognized the voice before he said the name. “You asked me to call?”
“Yes, because there’s something I need to talk to you about.” She sucked in a deep breath, waiting for him to say something, but he didn’t, and she continued. “I’ve been hiding this from you for awhile now, and it’s finally time that I tell you.”
“What?” he asked. She sensed no fear in his voice, which surprised her because he was always so overprotective.
“I’ve been hanging out with Garrett Halen over the last few weeks, and we’ve hit it off pretty well.” She mentally kicked herself for being so abrupt about it.
“I know. And he’s won your heart, hasn’t he? He’s better than I am, isn’t he?” Brian asked. Andrea wasn’t sure whether he would be angry or hurt, but right now he sounded hurt.
“Yes, but I’ve grown to love you so much over the last few weeks-…” she started, but he cut her off.
“Well, now it’s my turn to tell you something,” he said, and she braced herself for the verbal attack that would most likely ensue. “I’ve known this all along, and it has really bothered me lately. You didn’t tell me, but instead, you pushed me away and gave me pathetic reasons for not wanting to be around me. I’m tired of it.”
“I know, but-…”
“I loved you, unlike I’ve ever loved anyone before, and you really broke my heart. But that’s fine. Because I knew this would happen, and I planned for it. I have connections, and you will be dead in a matter of seconds, along with your family. If I can’t have you, nobody can.”
“Brian, what are you saying?” she asked, suddenly terrified by his words.
“I just called to say I love you.” The phone line went dead, and she looked at the receiver in horror before rushing down the stairs.
“Mom!” she screamed. “Where are you?”
“I’m right here, honey,” her mom said, coming out of the dining room. “Do you know what this is?” She held up a small device, and Andrea snatched it out of her hand.
“Oh, no”, she breathed.
_____________________________
“What happened at that home?” the police chief asked.
“Something just exploded,” the officer replied. “Nobody understands it. There isn’t enough of it remaining to investigate. I guess we’ll never know what caused it. We only have one possible clue.”
“What’s that?”
“Brian Olmond was just found dead in his basement from a gun wound to the head. It’s been ruled as a suicide, and there was a note lying beside his body. It said, ‘Dear Andrea: I just called to say I love you.’”
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140,836 Literary Works • 673,694 Reviews
wow, that was a pretty dramatic piece. it kind of went too fast for me though. How one moment he was hurt because she liked someone else and then the next he vowed to kill her. a little too over the top for me but hey, props for creativity!
Alright people, somebody go read my Death at a Funeral story already!! lol... Derek, I have no idea what you're talking about on that first part. The second part you're kind of right. It just depends on the pov.
And KJ, glad you liked the story! About the whole "wanting her body, the pigs" thing, just because she's the prettiest girl in school and might be used to it doesn't mean she has to like it. And I think Derek had the point that people do still love each other after they break up, although I can see where her cheating on him wasn't exactly a loving act...
Thanks for the reviews!
(Correct me if i'm wrong Stephen)
She was explaining to us so she might have been used to it but being apart of the explanation it was needed
Well that was weird to hear you say
Cause that happens all the time -_-
It really does girls(and guys) always say they love someone
but they have to dump them....Its not unusual
or weird. Plus she is a popular girl so it makes even more
sense.
I liked it. I wasn't bored, so that's a plus. The only part I really didn't like was when she thought that the boys only liked her for her body and called them pigs. Being the prettiest girl in school, she should be used to it, I think.
And one other thing that kind of bothered me was when she claimed that she loved Brian so much a couple times. If she really loved him she wouldn't be throwing him over for some other guy.
Good ending, though. Really surprising and somehow perfect.
I like the title actually.
I love that song!
Lesson to learn :
* Don't toy with peoples emotions... they bite back!
Lol Yea i mean i haven't read all of your story
Its jut really good lol i didn't know how else to say it
Just take it as a complament and dont over analize it
lol
Oh yea your audition is today
Good Luck!
Thanks guys!!! Today I have to go to a piano audition thing, and then I think I'm going to write another short story (and edit some of the book I've written). You guys had better read it! And Derek, you mean you like this better than my book?
Hey!!
This was a really awesome story! I really enjoyed it!
The ending was perfect. In my opinion, it was un-called for, but thats what made it so good!
Keep up the good work!!
Kelsi =)
Chocoholic
I'm going to have to disagree with you
It was a short story so it wont be a book or anything
It was just to show of his writing style like he said
The discription of her room seams unessascary
Seeing as it was going to explode anyway -_-
I liked the upbrupt i'm going to kill you
Is realy cool
The reader kinda has to pause
i re-read that part lol
I loved it
Really good short story
of all the things i've seen you write this ismy favorite
Excellent
See ya at Rebecca's play on Sunday >_<
Lol,
That means that your talent is never ending,...I just said it in an awkward way.
So well done!
Woop!
Eimearxx
Didn't read the story, but don't use courier; it's hard to read! I love the font as much as the next guy, but not for reading stories.
Prokaryote
Hi
I really liked this. Your writing tyle is very good. The only things that I can really comment on are your lack of descriptions and the abrupt 'I have connections and I'm going to kill you and your family'.
The story itself was very good, but you need to use more description. Right now, all we know is tha Andrea is a pretty girl. I thought it would have been much better if you told us a little bit about her room, or her family, or something like that.
The abrupt 'I'm going to kill you' seemed quite cliche, but I can understand if you wrote this quickly. I think more emotion needs to be used in that bit, so it won't be so 'huh? What the hell did he just say?'
Overall, you have a really good writing style and a lot of talent.
Hi,
Very interesting story. I really enjoyed it. I did notice a few mistakes though:
You need to put in something to notify the readers that there is a pause. Most people will know, but someone will not, so it's good to put it in
I didn't really see anything else. This story was very unique and I LOVED it
I really liked this part:
I love it!
Please keep writing!
Love,
lg*
I like this it is very well written. I have no problems with this story.
Happy writing SimonCowellLuver
Well, thanks to both of you guys for the reviews! What both of you said means a lot to me.
I agree. I just wrote this in about fifteen minutes or so, and I was making it a short story so I didn't have time to go into details, but I agree with you and understood that when I was writing it.
Yes, I got the title from the song because I love that song. I figured it would be an interesting twist, since he really did love her but killed her for his love (or something like that). I'm not going to change the title, but thanks for the suggestion anyway.
I don't understand. Do you mean that I don't know that I can write, or what?
I just posted that story because I'm currently writing a novel that has about 75,000 words on it and I'm hoping to get it published someday. I just wanted to see if anybody here would like my style of writing, etc.
I'm going to work on more short stories when I'm not working on my main project.
Thanks again!
Wow, this is hard hitting stuff....and a complete gem which I found by accident when exploring the website. I really, actually, loved reading this. I left me wanting more.
Of course, no writer can make their story totally orginal or perfect, and I would (braces herself for abuse), suggest re-doing the title, if possible. I still think that you should keep the last lines wrote by Brian, but-
"I Just called to say I love you" is a very well known song and many people are put off by cliched and well worn titles. I'm not, but it's a cruel lesson to learn.
Please don't pay any attention to that suggestion if you don't want to, I just think this is an amazing piece and that you should give it every possible chance to get out there.
Because it is amazing.
You have a great, seemingly untapped talent, seeing as you only wrote it a few minutes previous to posting, so please keep on writing and PM me when you post some more.
Thanks for a great read,
Eimearxx
Very interesting. I just have a few comments. I was real surprised when the guy says that he's going to kill Andrea. It was just like: huh? What just happened? This would make a better novel because you can spread things out a lot more instead of leaving your reader going: what the heck just happened? I thought it was very clever though. It would make an awesome novel (in my opinion).
Also: awesome ending.
Nariel