Published October 10, 2011
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140,681 Literary Works • 673,591 Reviews
Hi, kendallelise!
It was very pleasant to read (in terms of the language you used, not so much the concept of death. 
). I hope you write more poetry. 
It looks like you've already gotten some great feedback on this, so I'll try not to repeat anything.
I really liked it! You had a very unusual rhyming scheme, but you were consistent through the whole piece. It flowed, for the most part, very well. You took a very deep concept and explored it without rambling or pontificating. Yay!
Nitpicks:
I feel sorry for this little line. He's up there all by himself. I think I understand why you wanted to separate it, since it's the main prompt of the poem, but it seems awkward to be apart from the first stanza, especially since the first stanza is so much shorter than the second.
Okay, I just wanted to point out that I adored this line because it wasn't what I expected it to be. First reading it, I thought "Or dance in the light of the moon." But it wasn't! You were original and it's a splendid line. *is tittering with excitement over this line.* You deserve and elephant.
This shift between speculative imagery to the metaphor that lasts for the rest of the poem is a little jolting. Maybe you could just continue talking about the flower, and not definitely about the narrator.
This seemed a little out of place. I didn't connect boldness to the rest of the piece.
I know what you mean about gravity making the petals fall, but the second line is a little disconnected from the preceding. The first line describes the petals, and the second is a little stark.
I'm not really sure how I feel about this line. It seems like a rather strange simile in relation to the rest of the poem. I'm not really sure why. It's a good simile in itself, but it just seems slightly out of place.
I'm not sure "latter" is the right word. "Latter" to me is the last item in a list. I would probably just leave that word out.
Repeating the "I" here is awkward. If you did that just for length of the line, you could add a word like "Because I have just begun." I don't know. It's up to you, though.
Overall, I really liked it. There were only a few lines that sort of stilted the flow, and I bet you could find them if you read it out loud to yourself. I like to record myself reading my work, and listening to the recording really helps you pick out issues with the flow. You might try splitting up the second stanza so isn't so lengthy, but again, it's up to you.
I hope to see more from you soon! Happy writing!
-Sea-
Hey kendal! Here as requested!
This is a really sweet poem! I particularly like the imagery in the second stanza, and in several places you rhyme so well it makes me jealous. When I write poetry I rhyme like a third grader. The flower imagery is lovely, and I think works particularly well here too. However, there are a few things that don't work as well.
Nitpicks
These two lines of imagery really stick out. The rest of the poem has these sweet, if not sad, images where here the image of a rotting bear carcass is ugly and big. In poetry, it's often best suited to hold to similar feeling imagery unless attempting to make a point. As that is not the case here, I would consider cutting these lines or replacing them with something more suiting.
I want to talk about this flower business. In the first stanza, flower is just used as an image. However, the second stanza led me to believe that the speaker is a flower. Perhaps this is just an extenuation of the imagery, but I think the way that the first stanza isn't focused as well on flower imagery affects how this second stanza is taken. I really like the imagery of the flower to represent how the speaker feels, so perhaps consider reworking the first stanza to fit with the flower images as well.
Pace
As I was reading, I had an issue pacing myself. There are several groups of lines that read really, really well. For example:
Just take a moment to read these lines out loud and see how they sound. It flows so well with the ABAC rhyme pattern you have going. Love it. However, this doesn't carry through the rest of the poem. A lot of the lines read kind of clunky and awkward. Try taking this whole poem and reading it out loud and you'll see what I mean. Some lines just have too many syllables and it affects how its read.
Final Notes
Overall I enjoyed this poem! It seems the main problems lie in how the first stanza connects to the second content, theme, and imagery-wise as well as the pacing of the lines/how they sound and are read together. Oh, and one last thing I wanted to mention. I think there could be a better title for this poem. The "Like Chocolate for a Broken Heart" just doesn't suit what the poem is about. The poem is about death, and flowers ( xD ) and only one line references to chocolate or broken hearts. Titles do a lot more for poetry (and even for short stories) than we think, so a good title can go a long way. I hope this review was helpful! Poetry is not my forte, but I have noticed I've gotten a tad better at reviewing it so hopefully I didn't just waste your time!
Keep writing!
-Lauren-
Hello, I'm here to review as requested.
I said in my thread that I wasn't too good at reviewing poems... And I meant it. But I'll do my best at satisfying you with what I have to say about your piece.
First off, I want to say that the rhymes, or the lack of in some areas, bothered me. Some of your lines have that little twist that I very much like, but then the rest doesn't rhyme. I'm not saying that you should change it, just that it bothered me.
The imagery was great in the first verse, and I thought you kind of lost it in the last part of the second verse. It might have been because you don't really talk about that, and more about the subject of your poem.
All in all, it was an excellent poem, and I really enjoyed reading it. I think your choice of words, rhyme and subject were good.
Keep writing!
-Other One
Hey kendellelise! You requested a review so here I am. I have to say that I’m no expert on poetry, but here’s me having a go at reviewing one.
When I begin a poem I always try to have the emotion that I want to project inside my head so that when it comes to writing it down, my words – whether its description or similes - reflect the mood of the piece.
Your first line instantly gave me a gritty tone, and that’s understandable seeing as you’re talking about death.
But I felt that ‘sad balloon’ and ‘chocolate’ kind of disturbed that gritty tone. Those words felt odd – maybe you could come up with a different ones that suit a more gritty tone?
The rest I absolutely loved. I’m not a fan of rhyming poems, no idea why, but I really liked yours. Maybe because there are some great descriptions in here and the subject matter itself is something so intriguing and relatable. I don’t know if this is your first poem or not, if it is I would encourage you to write some more. You clearly have great talent and I would love to read some more of your work.
I hope this has helped.
*coco
I really enjoyed this poem. I especially like the way it flows and the way you described everything in the first part of the poem. My favorite lines in the poem are "Pulled from its sole source of existence And flattened like pages in a book." , "But one kiss, just one kiss of sympathetic sunlight Will heal me like chocolate for a broken heart." and "For although I’m a flower, such a delicate thing I too have sinned in my life." I can not find anything to point out that could be corrected or fixed. Overall, it was a very well written poem and I think you did a wonderful job.
This was a very beautiful and deep thinking poem. I enjoyed reading it. I found this poem very fascinating. My favorite line has to be
this was very straight forward and makes a clear point. In addition the next line really makes you think a lot more. I hope to hear more of your writing!