Published May 21, 2011
When you say you will always be there,
and wont let anyone or anything else hurt me.
Why did you say it?
In the end you did!
You made a promise you couldn't keep.
Now i am one tear away from calling you
And saying i am sorry for what ever I did!
And asking will you take me back.
But you wont, you don't believe in a second chance.
When you loved me you believed in me when no one did.
And now, you can't stand to see my face or even hear my name.
But you will forever have a part of me inside of you.
And you know that you can never love her the way loved me.
One day you will realize she will never take my place in your heart
And when you do i wont be there to catch you when you fall and say
"Come and take my hand."
I wont because i will always remember the way you looked at her.
So now you can feel the way i did when you left me.
And i will ALWAYS love you in one place in my heart.
My feelings can never change.
And in the end you will realize that you loved me more than her, and always have.
But when you do i wont be there because you shattered my heart one to many times!
Now I've moved on to someone who wont treat me like that.
I just want you to remember that if you truly love me,
You will let me go, and not come after me.
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140,581 Literary Works • 673,530 Reviews
STANZA'S STANZA'S STANZA'S!!!!!!!! haha, that is one of the most important, yet hardest, part of poetry! but without them, the poetry get's clumped togther, and harder to read, a bit of a sore on the eyes if you will
. repeating a one or two lines, ore even a brode idea, is fine...but again,yoy sound like you were pissy the day you wrote this, if you had brokedn this in stanza's and stuck to the short, simple poetry you seem used too, it would have been amazing!!! oh! adn the lines.....wayyy to long!!! :\
Spelling= A+
Grammer=A+
idea=kinda over done so a c-
over all i give you a B-, not as good as tears.sorry
Great job! I liked it a lot. I have no bad comments to make, great job. It would be a lot easier to read if you broke it up into stanzas, but its good this way too. Keep Writing!
Hello there,
I really liked the choice of subject for this personally it is a very relative and interesting. But it was a bit longer than it really should have been because a lot of the text was kind of just the original statement reworded and repeated over and over. Despite that though this was still really good and very powerful. I really liked the language and efficient grammar use in this.
This was very simple but it was also very long. I think you need to maybe change the formatt in this or shorten it so it flows more smoothly and it flows better. Either that or changing the lengths of every line so that it is a more neater and so that it looks more complex and sophisticated.
Overall though this was a very good poem that was really nice to read. Keep up the amazing poetry writing and I hope to read more of your stuff in future!
From CuteJackRussell
Whoah! Kelly! You again! *if you haven’t noticed, I perhaps spend a bit too much time lurking in the Poetry forums*
So, I’ll be completely honest with you and say that I’m not nearly as impressed with this as I was with Tears. I think part of the reason is that you’re dragging things out a bit too much here and it feels a good deal like, well, just an angsty kid. I don’t think you want that to be the case.
Simplicity is truly something that should be utilized when writing poetry. Look at haiku poetry. In the matter of seventeen syllables, an entire story can be told. Here, it feels very repetitive. I did the same with my poem “I Confess” and what Snoink said in this review really applies to your poem as well. It’s, “more like a dog chasing its tail than an actual poem.” Cut out what doesn’t need to be here and condense it down. I have a feeling the whole poem would ring differently if you did that and it would ring a lot cleaner!
Another thing that did rather confuse me was the lack of capitalization on the word “I” when it appeared within the poem but not at the beginning of lines. It worked well with a short piece like “Tears” but because this is longer, it looks a bit forgetful, especially when you still capitalize “I” at the beginning of lines. The same goes with “and” at the beginning of the second line. It sticks out like a sore thumb.
If you have any questions, as I said, feel free to send me a messages or slap me with a fish or something along those lines!
~lilymoore