Screaming. Screaming again. Always Screaming. I can't hold all these words. I shut down to save myself. We're in the house. Im not sure how we got here. I don't remember. I can't hear any of the words you are saying until...
"Listen!"
I shudder knowing you want eye contact, but I can't.
"You know what you are? You're a selfish little girl. You're heartless. You don't care about anyone else. You don't love anyone. You don't talk to anyone. You walk in and out of this door without saying anything. It's hard to live with someone like you. You don't love anyone, and soon no one will love you. The things you do hurt me. You may not use your words, but you still hurt me. You're a heartless bitch, incapable of loving anyone. How does that feel? Does it hurt?"
"No."
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
125,008 Literary Works • 672,820 Reviews
Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),
Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!
First Impression: Oooh, well this one was quite a short one here, almost too short to really try and figure out what's happening but well...I think you do manage to convey quite a scary sounding situation even through these few words we got here, well a touch more detail down below.
Anyway let's get right to it,
Okay...well starting off with lots of screaming definitely makes for a very interesting star, cause wow...well, looks like we're really getting right into some really intense action with that particular start, and then when you end on an ellipse like that in the first paragraph, that's when you really know something crazy is about to go down.
Uh oh...well that's not a good sign, someone not wanting to make eye contact with another person attempting to almost force them to establish that eye contact, well certainly not a good sign for whoever this is here, oh dear.
Okay...maybe we misjudged who the real bad person here is, oh dear, wow well this girl is getting properly called out in that story and being written off as a properly terrible person there, wow this is not going very well, looks like its someone trapped with this girl that makes them feel horrible and getting called out on that and yelled at somehow doesn't seem to hurt this girl, which implies she's genuinely not feeling any of that, and well...that...makes for a scary person.
Aaaaand that's it for this one.
Overall: Overall this was a very interesting story to read, and its certainly a very powerful ending you have, but it does feel like it doesn't quite elaborate on much, its not quite short enough and open ended enough to be called just a really short story, nor is it quite complete almost...I don't know, that's how I feel at any rate...xD
As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.
Stay Safe
Harry
This is quite interesting. I want to know more. What is going on here and so forth? But in this short story you have captivated me. The ending is perfect. I wasn't really sure how to react. I was shocked and slightly confused, but I loved it. Keep writing. I will definitely give you a follow.
Wow. While short, this was very deep and emotional. I absolutely loved how you ended the story with one word; it has great impact and left me frozen for a few seconds. You have a talent for writing and you use great techniques to bring your pieces alive. This was so beautiful and I want more. I will definitely keep reading and reviewing your work. Keep doing what you're doing, because you are great at it!
XOXO
Anabelle
This is a startling piece. It has a very abstract feel to it, which almost makes me wonder if it would be better as a poem because as a short story, it doesn't feel quite complete- it's incredibly difficult to get something so short to feel like a completed story, though I feel the piece is whole in itself; you don't have to add to it necessarily.
One thing I do notice though is, for the shortness of the piece, the rant is rather long. If I were you, I might consider making the rant a bit shorter, though the length of the rant does have an interesting effect on the reader; the words seem to lose some of their meaning, only the intent to insult and hurt is imitate; it almost like the person doesn't care about what they're saying; they're not interested in confronting her with the truth, just in hurting her, like swear words. It does feel like the person's been yelling at them for even longer still, since she has to call the character's attention back.
Then the ending, the last word is rather abrupt and dramatic and magnificent. A beautiful way to end the piece. It leaves the reader wondering if it's a lie, or if the person is truly numb to this other person's insults, and what that says about the character.
One thing I'd fix if I were you is that at the end of your first paragraph you have two periods. In general, people have just one or three.
Lovely piece; great emotion. I'd love to read some of your other work if you post again. And welcome to YWS!
-tgirly
Hello.
Kanome here with a review for you.
All I can say is wow.
This story can intense quick.
I like it, as you may have guessed, but that escalated quickly.
Okay, I like how you transitioned from one font to the next. It showed the main character's POV, then changed to dialogue of a different character.
So I guess this is basically flashback, pretty much.
Oh, if you have language in your story, make sure you put a warning that says it contains language. It helps the young readers know that it has language, and they may or may not read it.
Anyways, keep up the great work.
I can't wait to read more of your writings c: