The moonlight glimmered on the lake, making the water look like liquid diamonds. I sat in the soft grass, inside a ring of candles. Someone sat next to me on a blanket woven of purple and gold. He was a complete stranger, but I had the feeling that I knew him, perhaps in a dream. His hair was dark brown, filled with shades of red. His face was perfect, and his body defiantly matched. His arms were rippling, and I was pretty sure that rock-hard abs lingered underneath his loose white shirt. He looked at me. His eyes sparkled like the stars that decorated the sky. His look turned into a stare of confusion. Embarrassed, I turned to face the moon instead. It was full and so bright, that it outshined every star in the sky, except for the ones in his eyes. I could still feel them staring at me. Desperate for a conversation-starter, I started talking before I thought about what I was saying.
"The moon is beautiful," I subconsciously heard myself comment. If I could've smacked myself in the forehead, I would've. Commenting on the moon was probably the stupidest thing I could've done. I bit my lip and silently prayed for him to play along. Thankfully, he did.
"I agree," he said. His voice was deep. Really deep. It was completely hot! I caught myself staring at him again. I was positive I knew him. I just couldn't think of how and where. Two birds flew across the lake, swooping to the water, then back up again. It reminded me of a type of dance. The last word lingered in the back of my mind. Dance? Danc? Dan? Daniel! His name was Daniel! My memories of him wove back together. Daniel: my friend, my accomplice, my lover, my soulmate. My Dream Prince. I suddenly realized that that was how I knew him. Dreams were the place he existed, and only dreams. He wasn't real: gone by the time I woke up. I leaned up against him, now immune to embarrassment. I sighed. He looked down at me.
"What's wrong?" He asked.
"The fact that I can only be with you when I'm dreaming," I answered. He wrapped his arm around me, pulling me close. I leaned my head against his neck. His fingers traced small circles on my arm.
"I know, it sucks," he replied. "I wish it wasn't like this. I wish we could be more. I hate not seeing you. I hate that this isn't real, and I hate that we can't be this way forever. I hate that, eventually, you will forget me, and I will become nothing more than a dream to you. I find no relief in the fact that all we've been through means nothing at all in real life." I looked up at him, my eyes filled with sorrow. Beeping started to ring in my head. I knew the dream was beginning to end. I kissed him out of desperation, out of sadness, out of love. The beeping grew louder; I kissed him harder. As the dream grew fuzzy, I heard a faint whisper. "I love you." By the time the beeping completely consumed me, Daniel was gone, replaced by a black void. I opened my eyes. My dream prince was gone.
My alarm clock's obnoxious beeping got louder. Still laying in bed, I slammed my arm down, shutting it off and possibly breaking it. My friend, Dakota, groaned on the floor below me and rolled onto her back. She wiped her sleepy eyes. She looked up at me and yawned.
"Good morning!" She moaned, as she vigorously tried to get something out of her eye.
"Morning," I replied, still tired. Every cell in my body urged me to go back to sleep in hopes of seeing him again. My stomach had other plans. I peeled the blankets back and sat up. Moaning something about food, I kicked Dakota and walked downstairs to the kitchen. I was greeted by the smell of burning bacon.
My mother stooped over the pan, furiously trying to salvage some pieces that were still edible. She failed miserably. I rushed over to the griddle that she was trying to make pancakes on and managed to keep them from catching on fire. Barely. Dakota walked over and joined me. After a couple batches, the pancake batter was gone. I walked over to my mom to help her with the bacon. Once it was done, I plated it and set it on our circular table. It reminded me of the moon. It reminded me of Daniel. My heart felt like it was shredded into pieces. I knew he was just a dream, but it felt so real. I couldn't help but feel sad. Dakota playfully nudged me as she set the condiments onto the table. As usual, she forgot the most essential ingredient: peanut butter. I grabbed it from the pantry and sat down. After a big breakfast of pancakes, burnt bacon, and peanut butter, me and Dakota escaped to my room.
I sat down on my bed while Dakota claimed the bean-bag chair. She reached for my guitar, while I grabbed my notebook and jotted down my dream. The notebook was almost full. It was my second one. She looked up at me as she played some chords. Her long black hair hung down over the guitar as she looked at me quizzically, raising one eyebrow.
"Another dream?" she asked. I nodded in reply, trying to capture the exact details of what happened. It was already starting to fade from my mind. I wrote faster. "Was 'He' in it?" I nodded again, almost done. "What happened?" she asked. I put the notebook back and described what happened to her.
"When I woke up, I realized that it was just a dream, just like I always do," I finished.
"Wow," she said. "That's some pretty hard-core stuff."
"Yeah," I sighed,"and it felt so real, too. I could still feel his kiss when I woke up."
"Man, this guy has gotta be real! I mean, these dreams HAVE to mean SOMETHING! It must be a sign from the cosmos! You'd better watch your horoscope." I hoped she was right. She danced around the room with my guitar, making up a song about two soulmates, joined together by destiny. She jumped up and down when she found a combination of lyrics she liked and wrote them down on her arm with a Sharpie. I pulled my notebooks back out and read them over and over again.
By the time noon came, Dakota had gotten bored and me, completely heartsick. We decided that a trip to the mall sounded like fun. She pulled a bright red shirt out of my closet and matched them with jeans and boots that she had brought from home. I chose a loose sky blue one and paired it with skinny jeans and ballet flats. Purse in hand, I grabbed my cellphone, iPod, and wallet and stuffed them into my purse. Me and Dakota walked outside, hopped on our bikes, and rode to the mall.
Nice work with this story. I like the dreamy beginning, especially with the scenery of the lake and moon. The detail about the birds was quite nice too. A glimpse at the character’s daily life was good as well. It seems to me as you are planning to make it a novel but even if you leave it as a short story it can work great if you give it a catchier ending.
I do have a few remarks. It might seem a lot in amount but it’s all really minor stuff:
“Could’ve,” “would’ve” and similar contraction while not necessarily wrong are better suited for dialogues to emphasize the pronunciation. In narrative it’s best to stay in more formal style. Same goes for exclamations like “It was completely hot!” there is no problem by putting it in as the character thoughts like “’It was completely hot!’ I thought.” You can still say it as a part of the narrative but then you might consider dropping the exclamation mark. Maybe its personal preference, I don’t know, but everyone I’ve read, and I myself, tend to avoid it. Most say it’s because it seems amateurish, to me exclamation marks outside of dialogue or thoughts just seem out of place.
Perhaps towards the end of the paragraph where you say he exists only in dreams you might choose to be a bit more subtle. You seem to repeat it a lot, 3 times one after another, if we don’t count the 2 sentence that mirror themselves (“Dreams were the place he existed, and only dreams. He wasn't real: gone by the time I woke up.”) So yeah my advice is to try and keep it simpler, thus create a sense of mystery.
Daniel’s voice. At first he uses simple tone as “it sucks” then later on more complex sentences and structure, perhaps think of balancing him a bit, either make him sound casual or prince-y.
“Still laying in bed,” - lying.
“I kicked Dakota and walked downstairs to the kitchen.” A bit too sudden, perhaps elaborate on the actions?
“Dakota had gotten bored and me” – and I.
Finally I think you should probably include a detail or two about the main character’s appearance, not clothes, somewhere in the texts eye colour, or hair colour, or height, or some little detail like that.
sounds like my life.
Ok i do like this story it reminds me of my best friend that i can never have and every movie on the halmark channal. Who is I i mean i know it is the main charactor and such but i feel like she needs a name like have dainal say her name. Who is Dakota? Is she a friend who slept over ,a cousin, or a sister. P.s what dose Dakota and I look like? You gave a great discription of Danial. Also is Danial real or did you make up a bestfriend in your head and fell in love with a dream. Or is Danial a best friend you can never have? You need more detail about everything that is going on. From what they look like to what color is the gitar. Though i love detail so i hope im not sounding mean or pushy. Well i still like the story.
Chow!
p.s what is the name of the Story?