unamed short story.

by keawriting
  • June 14, 2010
  • Short Story

Hi Everyone:

This is a short story I am working on....

It kind of like a story that a woman is reading and I am not sure how to make it clear when she is reading and not?? Any ideas?

She opened the book.

Her fingers fumbled within the familiar pages, fragile and frayed. For her, the atmosphere in the room had instantly stiffened like starch. But for the boy, life simply lifted to lightness. The quiver in her voice draped like a blanket around the boy. He began to listen intently and she began to read. .

The floor boards whispered not under someone’s step but under the flame’s brutal ballet. Zach had been positioned towards the sun for hours now; his matchbox car was starting to wither into plastic puddles, dampening the duvet. In all his youthful curiosity he crooked his head a slight left, listening for the sounds that crept through the house’s concrete construction. As his juvenile mind became bored he returned to his habit of staring and again clenched the toy car.

The woman’s voice plunged deep as she struggled to continue the story.

“It is getting late, maybe he should sleep now.” Hinted a voice from the door way. The source of such sounds moved inside the excessively perfect square room. Her crisp skirt became brittle with creases as she bent over the bed. The smile she attempted to maintain was so identical to that of the other nurses that its purpose was lost. Far from sympathetic.

“You are reading it again?” she asked, with a sour tinge. When neither answer nor acknowledgement was given from the room’s inhabitants she plodded bitterly out of the room.

The woman again began to read, as if the interruption had gone unnoticed.

Comments & reviews · 5
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keawriting Comment
keawriting commented · Thu Jun 17, 2010 1:48 am

Thanks so much :)
I am uploading the finished product now! :D

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Lilicia
Review
Lilicia wrote a review · Tue Jun 15, 2010 8:27 pm

Hi!

This is good - I really loved the descriptions. Good job!

It kind of like a story that a woman is reading and I am not sure how to make it clear when she is reading and not?? Any ideas?


I think it's fine as it is, just keep on putting italics whenever she is reading. It's clear as it is. :)

She opened the book.


I agree with Waterlilygirl that this could do with more detail. What is the cover like? Is the book long or short, old or new? Is there a picture on the cover? A description is definitly necessary here ;)

The floor boards whispered not under someone’s step but under the flame’s brutal ballet.


This sentence is a bit awkward. Maybe you could cut out the "not under someone's step" bit? The phrase woud be much easier to read without it. Also, "floorboards" is one word.

The woman’s voice plunged deep as she struggled to continue the story.


I LOVE this. As I read it I actually felt like I was hearing the woman's voice. Amazing description. :D

“It is getting late, maybe he should sleep now.” Hinted a voice from the door way.


Doorway is one word.

The source of such sounds moved inside the excessively perfect square room.


This seems a little unclear to me. I don't really get what you mean by 'the source of such sounds' - but then again that might just be me :smt002

Her crisp skirt became brittle with creases as she bent over the bed.


Another example of beautiful descripition. Very poetic.

So overall this was very interesting and well written. Please tell me if you put any more up!

Hope I helped!

~Lilicia

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keawriting Comment
keawriting commented · Tue Jun 15, 2010 10:15 am

thanks for the help :)

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Waterlilygirl
Review
Waterlilygirl wrote a review · Tue Jun 15, 2010 4:42 am

She opened the book. #000080 ">You could add more detail here, it doesn't sound correct to me

Her fingers fumbled within the familiar pages, fragile and frayed. #000080 ">I like the detail of the pages, but what about the cover. Maybe its covered in dust, just a idea For her, the atmosphere in the room had instantly stiffened like starch. But for the boy, life simply lifted to lightness. The quiver in her voice draped like a blanket around the boy. He began to listen intently and she began to read. .

The floor boards#000080 ">, whispered#000080 ">, not under someone’s step but under the flame’s brutal ballet. Zach had been positioned towards the sun for hours now; his matchbox car was starting to wither into plastic puddles, dampening the duvet. In all his youthful curiosity he crooked his head a slight left, listening for the sounds that crept through the house’s concrete construction. As his juvenile mind became bored he returned to his habit of staring and again clenched the toy car.

The woman’s voice plunged deep as she struggled to continue the story. #000080 ">I love this

“It is getting late, maybe he should sleep now.” Hinted a voice from the door way. The source of such sounds moved inside the excessively perfect square room. Her crisp skirt became brittle with creases as she bent over the bed. The smile she attempted to maintain was so identical to that of the other nurses that its purpose was lost. Far from sympathetic. #000080 ">Hmmm this is okay, but maybe can use a bit of work

“You are reading it again?” she asked, with a sour tinge. When neither answer nor acknowledgement was given from the room’s inhabitants she plodded bitterly out of the room.

The woman again began to read, as if the interruption had gone unnoticed. #000080 ">I like this part



Other than that, its a good start. Keep writing



See, we could have been called The Shoes.
— Paul McCartney