Published March 18, 2011
I am the forest and you are the trees.
Now you are gone and I am empty.
No longer lush and green.
But dry and brown.
Without you I am nothing.
And the worst is the thing.
I no longer wish to see.
It’s not you but me.
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140,544 Literary Works • 673,415 Reviews
Sad.... but well written.
Good work!
Keep writing!
~FW~
Beautiful poem. I love poems involving nature.. I'll have to admit it was pretty short, maybe you can add a little bit more to this poem and let me know when its done. no grammar needs to be corrected just add a little bit more to it. good work!
Simple.
You get your opinion across, and I give you a thumbs up on that, but what I will say is that this is very short and simple.
You have an interesting topic. Expand on that. If you are writing about something so vast as love, don't shorten it down to a couple short lines with a small bit of vocabulary and nothing really strong in the way of vastness. You could give such a beautiful, accurate opinion of such a thing if you just gave yourself a little more time.
I love the comparison of which you made concerning trees, but because its so short and theres not much going on with it, it seems childish and not well thought out. Give it some time, water it with inspiration, and watch it grow! (as corny as that sounds). I swear to you that with a little effort and a good ol' theasaurus, this will be an awesome piece.
Just write. You'll never know if you don't attempt it!
~The.Dreamwalker
Hi there! I am OverEasy and I will be your reviewer for today.
So the first thing that I notice here is that the flow is a bit off. For one thing, the words "trees, empty, and green," all sound similar (with emphasis on the "eee" sound, and all that) but they don't quite rhyme. Because they don't rhyme, but they don't not rhyme, they sound a little funny together. My favorite method of making sure poetry flow is actually pretty easy-- read it out loud. If you can read it easily, and your words are never stunted because the lines don't seem to go together, then the flow of your poem is off. My suggestion is to try to read this aloud, and tweak the words around until they sort of glide together.
Now! Onto the content. The main issue that I have with this first stanza here isn't the content itself, as I quite like the metaphor you've chosen. My issue lies in the word choice. There isn't really anything extraordinary in these words, when there could be! Take the image you've created here (a lush green forest turning brown and dry) and expand on it. Pull some really great descriptions out of your heart and head (and use that trusty old thesaurus!!) and create some imagery here! There is nothing better than a poem that really makes you picture what they're trying to say. Right now you have an image, which is a fabulous start, but you've got to make that image interesting and new.
The second stanza threw me a bit. You've got a great metaphor and a nice image in the first stanza, but then you switch. You've suddenly got no images, and your poetry has dissolved into words... nothing more. If I were you, I would ditch this stanza and focus your energies on expanding the first one. The idea you have there is really great, but this is sort of dull.
Still, love the first idea! I think if you put some more time and effort into it, you can have a fantastic piece here.
Hope this helps!
OverEasy