Published November 2, 2007
[pre]"Holding on"
Slowly crumbling down.
I try to hold out
And to be strong.
Keep it together
I am told.
I sit patiently
trying to pretend
nothing is wrong.
Knowing at any
given time i might
just fall apart.
THinking I can make it.
Feeling as though
It will never end.[/pre]
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138,455 Literary Works • 672,122 Reviews
I understand you may feel this way but as a poem this wasn't very original at all.
The imagery was weak - the strongest description probably was "crumbling down" or "falling apart", not too original either. The rest of the poem simply consists of the narrator telling us that she can't handle it anymore. Not very poetically, not very emotively and not very interestingly.
How can you improve it? Try using more imagery and stop simply telling us how she feels. Also, don't use those tired overused phrases to describe how she feels or show how she feels. You could, of course, throw in one or two in an ironic fashion to show how little they mean or help when that is how you feel, which is what I feel you're trying to say here. You need to make that more obvious and less monotonous.
It was really good! Read back through for capalization errors. There were several. But I really like it. It was very moving. XD
Hope this helped!
Jamie
It was really good! Read back through for capalization errors. There were several. But I really like it. It was very moving. XD
Hope this helped!
Jamie
Thanks. ^.^
though short- it packs a punch. ^_^ 9/10
actually yea. i feel like my whole world is crumbling. thus so am i.
Wow. Is this an expression of how you feel?