I watch you with her everyday
I know you ignore all my signals
My mind knows what my heart denies
To watch you easily forget all about me
Because of she, I am jealous
When you kiss her lips, I say its mine
It causes me so much pain watching you love her
It is her whom I envy
And its you who I love
You have no clue underneath the lies is the truth
Watching you fall in love with her black heart
I hid my face that was full in dreadful tears
I wish you'd see my heart that is full of love for you
I hope one day you can see that my tears tell a sad story
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
125,015 Literary Works • 672,847 Reviews
I must say, I don't think there's a soul in the universe out there that can't relate to this poem. Wanting that one person that we cannot have. Your poem speaks beautifully of the anguish of jealousy.
The only critique I might have would be to put a little more soul and emotion into it. Really dig deep down and release your innermost feelings. The poem tells a tale of love that is short and sweet, but I'd really like to see a little more of you in it, you know? I still absolutely love it, especially the line about "watching you fall in love with her black heart". That was definitely one of my favorites. Keep writing, you have a lot of potential!
Hello there!
Right now, the biggest way I can see you improving this poem is by making it (and I'm really sorry for the generalisation here) more poetic. It's quite a blunt poem, and though the reader can see the emotions and follow it very easily, what you've written seems simple. Often, simple doesn't mean bad. However, though the poem isn't bad I think it could definitely benefit from more thought and consideration as to how you portray what's happening. It's very easy to state that the narrator feels jealous, less so to think of an original and interesting way to show that the narrator is jealous.
There are so many poetic devices you can use to, for lack of a better phrase, spice up this poem. Metaphors, similes, imagery and personification are just a few of these. When writing a poem, you have so many different techniques and methods at your fingertips, and it would be really awesome if you took advantage of this a little more throughout your poem. Try and focus on one aspect of how the narrator is feeling or what she sees and build up on that a little bit to just make you poem stand out and show the reader what's happening.
Hope this helps,
Amy.
I can't thank you enough. You encouraged me to write another. I just couldn't put your advice to waste.
Kaylaaaaa! This is lovely! This is a huge step forward from your last poem. This is a great piece of writing I really really love it! The third stanza is just soooo perfect! You use an excellent contrast between:
"It is her whom I envy
And its you who I love"
Great line! Absolutely loved it!
All and all Kayla this is great, such a great improvement from your other piece. I am so glad that you took your time to sit down and re-write because not to many people do that. Congratulations Kayla you have won a rare "like" from me! Happy Writing! Keep up the good work!!!!
xoxoxoxoxoxo
TuckEr EllsworTh