Young Writers Society

Hello there Kay! (I hope I got your name right because that's what it says on your user hehe)

Well, I just want to say --- good job at your first attempt on writing rhyming poems! It wa s a pretty nice one so far don't worry

"All I ever wanted was to spread joy
To all kinds of people, loud and coy"

That introduction was my favorite part of this piece, to be honest. Those statements made it seem like there's a whole lot more in the poem. The writing sounded like someone confused, it sounded like someone trying to find a place in this world. And if your goal was to make the readers feel that way --- then congratulations because you have done it successfully! Keep writing, I know you'll get better at it

Hi!
First of all, I’d like to congratulate you on the accomplishment off finishing and publishing your first rhyming poem. From what I observed, you chose to write is as rhyming couplets or two consecutive lines that rhyme. In your case, you made a couple of run-on couplets.
The persona you created was a student who went unnoticed. From my perspective, I perceived the persona as someone insecure. She, I assume it’s a she, is someone who wants to be appreciated. She is not really an overachiever, but she is someone who strives for perfection.
I liked your persona, but at the same time, I felt as if she was pretty shallow. I would have like it better if you provided more details. Why did she feel this way? Why did she contemplate her existence? She must have a life outside of school. What is it like? Why does she call humans egocentric and dogmatic? Surely she does not see the world simply in black and white.
Show us another side of your persona. Give her depth. Make us feel her pain, her frustration, or her joy. Make us feel what she feels.
I liked your last question, but I felt as if the ending was too abrupt.
I also noticed that most of the lines in your poem ended in a period. That’s not really necessary.
For example your first two lines: All I ever wanted was to spread joy.//To all kinds of people loud and coy. You ended the first line with a period but your second line was not a complete thought. If you were writing it as a paragraph, the first two lines would be one whole sentence: All I ever wanted was to spread joy to all kinds of people – loud and coy. So, if you right it in poetry form, it could be written like this: All I ever wanted was to spread joy// To all kinds of people – loud and coy.
Same goes for the following lines. But, again, this is just my suggestion on how you could improve your writing.
Keep writing! And if poetry is your passion, keep reading poetry and study their structure.
Hope this helped and hope to more from you soon! Keep up the good work!