Proluge - Two Worlds Collide

Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),

Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!

Anyway let's get right to it,

Once upon a time, there lived two girls, Susan and Ruan. These two girls were very different from each other, from their personality to where the grew up.

Susan was born in a small house in the homely little town of Angola. Her mother, Susie, had not wanted the little child, in fear of losing her beloved husband, Jacque. But she was born, and abortion was forbidden. Jacque, a blacksmith, complete with sturdy, strong soldiers, and a rough face, deserted the family, leaving Susie to care for the little child. Susan grew up as a frail girl, an animal with no bones to keep them steady. Her face was beautiful though, a smooth, tan texture that glowed when the bright rays of sun hit it. She had black, curly hair that grew to the end of her elbow. Her clothes, however, were considered poor: a plain, brown shirt sown together with mini patches here and there and black pants that reached only to the tip of her ankles.

Ruan was born in the kingdom of Sudan, in a royal Palace far away from Angola. Her mother was Queen Congo, a beautiful woman that wore only the finest dresses. The king, however, abandoned the kingdom, afraid of the horrors to have a daughter rule his kingdom instead of a son. Ruan grew up as the finest child to ever live without her father. Her appearance was the same as Susan's. Exactly the same.

This has such a magical feel, it was a brilliant prologue and makes readers want more, heck I want more! I thought that maybe a good way to avoid mistakes with geographical locations would be to create your own locations, towns and countries it would also add a more magical and mystic feel to the plot. I thought that maybe more description could go into Susan and Ruan's appearance and instead of saying Ruan looked exactly like Susan, describe it! Let the reader put it together for themselves, i felt by saying she looked exactly like Susan was slightly anti-climactic, other than that I enjoyed it! It reminds me of the Prince and the Pauper

I'll review the grammar in depth first. Sorry about the harsh, nitpicky criticism! I'm warning you in advance that I am very fiddly about grammar and that I really do like this story, even if it seems like I don't. Keep writing!

Proluge - Two Worlds Collide
Correct spelling is "prologue".
by katngo73 » Tue Oct 25, 2011 3:06 am

Once upon a time, there lived two girls, Susan and Ruan. These two girls were very different from each other, from their personality to where the grew up.
Susan was born in a small house in the homely little town of Angola.
Beware! People know that Angola is a large country, not a town and they know the circumstances of that country: Angola has recently come out of a publicised war and is in deep trouble.
Her mother, Susie, had not wanted the little child, in fear of losing her beloved husband,
It's not immediately obvious why she would lose him if she had a child. Clarify.
Jacque. I don't know if you want the name like that, but the common spelling is Jaques. (It's French, so the s isn't pronounced.)
But she was born, and abortion was forbidden.
Swap around the two clauses, like this: "But abortion was forbidden, and she was born." because first no abortion, then birth. This keeps the timing right.

Jacque, a blacksmith, complete with sturdy, strong soldiers, and a rough face, deserted the family, leaving Susie to care for the little child.
Not wrong in itself, but look at all those commas. This goes for the rest of the work, too. Cut down on the commas and use a variation of different kinds of sentences. That comma before the "and" is particularly unnecessary.
Susan grew up as a frail girl, an animal with no bones to keep them steady.
Try "creature" - she is a human, not an animal. Surely that should be "her" at the second bold?
Her face was beautiful though, a smooth, tan texture that glowed when the bright rays of sun hit it. She had black, curly hair that grew to the end of her elbow.
An elbow is the middle of an arm, so "end" is a bit strange, there. Try "which fell in gentle cascades down her back," to indicate length.
Her clothes, however, were considered poor:
Clothes are generally not wealthy or poor (that was my first thought here,) so how about "were considered to be a mark of her poverty"?
a plain, brown shirt sown
Seeds are sown, but clothes are sewn. Remove that comma after plain, too.
together with mini
Too informal. Mini is short for miniature, so rather write it out in full.
patches here and there and black pants that reached only to the tip of her ankles.
Ankles alone are fine, you're making me try to imagine a tapered ankle with a sharp end to it here.

Ruan was born in the kingdom of Sudan,
What, another African country? They don't have palaces there. Sudan is mostly desert filled with nomads and camels.
in a royal Palace far away from Angola. Her mother was Queen Congo,
The Congo is also an African country, not just a name. Especially don't drop it in the middle of Sudan - rainforests and deserts don't mix. There are also no kings or queens in the Congo.
a beautiful woman that wore only the finest dresses. The king, however, abandoned the kingdom, afraid of the horrors to have
of having
a daughter rule his kingdom instead of a son. Ruan grew up as the finest child to ever live without her father. Her appearance was the same as Susan's. Exactly the same.

Lovely ending, there! I liked the storyline a lot! Great start.

Hi there,
this has a very... magical, feel about it. For the majority of it, it all seemed very fluffy and nonchalant- good though, for a prologue.
The ending though, the bit about the Susan and Ruan looking exactly alike... that's the attention grabber. It's that spark that makes the reader what more. And truly, I do want to read more! You've made me curious...
Thanks for the read, I look forward to reading more!
Happy writing
-briggsy