The sea seemed a million miles away,
I could only make out a sunshine ray.
Papa and Ma told me to never go out,
At that time, I had began to pout.
Now I realize why I did it,
Now I know why I had a fit.
I did it for them,
John, Jane, and Em.
I tried to look out my window,
But Ma pulled the curtain low.
She told me it was dangerous,
And then she began to 'cuss.
Now I realize why I did it,
Now I know why I had a fit.
I did it for them,
John, Jane, and Em.
I was kept in a separate world,
Where everyday my hair curled.
Ma and Papa kept me away,
I wanted the sweet summer day.
Now I realize why I did it,
Now I know why I had a fit.
I did it for them,
John, Jane, and Em.
I can never see my true home,
Never see the ocean's foam.
All because John, Jane, and Em
Said,"Don't go outside, Kchem!"
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125,003 Literary Works • 672,791 Reviews
I like rhyming, I'm different from all these other YWSers who dislike rhymes. However, I agree completely with Hannah. You need to be in control of your poem. While reading this, it kind of felt like you came up with a title and then tried to write something about the title. You didn't have a clear story, it was just a rhyme. Anyway, I do that a lot, too. Probably because for whatever reason I like rhyming so much. Just try and add some more stanzas that explain what happened. The poem was titled "I did it for them", but what did you do? And who are they? Also, I want to know who the bad guys are, is it John Jane and Em or is it mom and dad? However, this could be a great poem with a little bit of work. And if you turned it into story form I would definitely read the story.
So I did my best at rhyming poetry, too.
!!
I got reviews that said "rhyming sucks, don't do it" and I was like "you have no idea what you're talking about" and went and wrote more rhyming poetry, so I'm going to try to explain this to you without saying outright that "rhyming sucks, don't do it".
But don't. Especially in this case.
Think about it this way: if you're writing a poem, trying to say something, you want to say it the right way. You want to pick the perfect words to get as close to exactly what you mean as possible. But when you try to rhyme, it takes away from all that. Instead, your attention is focused on "what rhymes with this?" and your word options are limited.
It's very obvious in this poem that it was motivated by rhyme. It's obvious because there is nothing to draw the reader in. It sounds like a cute story, but it's comparable to spilling coffee on a piece of paper and later saying "oh look at this cool thing the coffee drew". You were barely in control.
Be in control! Choose your words. Choose your story. Choose your line breaks, your message, the way you compare things to make them more accessible to the reader. Choose and CREATE your poem.
If you have any questions, let me know.
Hannah
I like the rhyme and the flow, and how it tells a story. The problem is, I'm not sure what the story is. So unless confusion is the emotion you want people to get from the poem, which is probably not what you want, the real emotion and the meaning are being masked by the confusion.
This is kind of nice, but I don't quite understand it. The rhyme scheme is okay, but I still don't get it. Who are John Jane and Em? What does the sea have to do with anything? I'm really confused. I would love to see a revised version, try to be more descriptive. Also, try to make it flow better, like transition, it's kind of choppy.