I awoke, with no memory of who I was, or where I was. But there was a single thought. A calamity is coming, you must stop it. You have 400 years. I had no idea of what that meant, but I knew I had to do what it said. I realized I was in a strange place, with what lay above me a bright blue with scattered fluffy white puffs. It was quite beautiful. The ground was just dirt, and there were some trees scattered about.
I breathed in, the air smelled fresh, and relaxing. I then remembered the thought. A calamity is coming. But what did that mean? I looked down and saw I had two grey legs with two grey feet underneath, and I felt a strange urge to move them, and I moved forward a step. I moved forward, continued straight ahead until something strange blocked the way. Some flowing, blue liquid which did not look safe was between me and the ground. I looked around, but there was no other way around. So I carefully stepped into the blue liquid. Nothing happened, so I continued through the fluid and reached the other side easily. I then continued walking. I stopped at another bit of the liquid, but saw no bottom to the ground, I somehow knew it wasn't safe and stepped back, You must wait. A voice told me. So I waited. Amazingly, the ground changed before my eyes! It became covered in wet white fluff, and the trees were as well. The leaves long gone. Most importantly, somehow, the liquid became solid! I gingerly stepped onto the newly solid liquid and crossed easily. Although astonished, I just continued forward.
After quite a bit more walking, I reached a tall wall of dirt, and could not get past. However, there was a very tall tree there, and I the voice told me Sometimes, you need to climb a tree. I proceeded up the tree but was faced with another problem almost immediately, there was yet another wall, but the tree was tiny! I thought about it, and decided I should just wait again. After all, last time I waited, magical things happened! So I waited. I waited 11 years, but didn't know what years were. I just knew I had. The tree was tall enough, and the ground was back to normal, but littered with brown, red, yellow, and orange leaves. I climbed up and continued.
I encountered another tree, but the voice told me Sometimes, the tree is in the wrong place. I climbed up the tree and fell. There was a small, round, brown object on the ground. I somehow knew to pick it up. I walked to another dirt wall and buried the object into the dirt. I felt like I had to wait more. So I waited. By now, It had been a total of 23 years since I awoke. The world was white again, and the object seems to have created a tree, just tall enough for me to climb up the wall. I continued forward and there was more solid fluid. I walked over it, and continued. Without noticing, there was a huge cliff ahead, and I had walked straight off.
TO BE CONTINUED
AUTHOR'S NOTE: This story was based on the game, 400 Years. I really liked the game, and decided to make it a story. :) I'm a pretty bad writer right now, so this probably isn't very good. I'm still working on describing the scene and painting a clear, vivid image for the readers. It also feels like the character doesn't really have emotions, but that is intentional. Critiques welcome please :)
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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125,020 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
Hello Katie,
I like this line. Your imagery is good. The main character had two legs and two grey feet. what about his face? how he looks like? Is he tall or short? I imagined a man at first, after surfing the internet. I found all my imaginations were wrong. Try to give some hints how he looks like?Prakash here for review! Welcome to YWS! I have no idea of the game 400 years, before. But by the way you stated, the seasons fly past and the years go by, while a tree grows tall enough to climb, or winter arrives and freezes a pond so you can cross it. Is this game a test for our patience? Wherein the main strategy is to wait in order to overcome the obstacles. However, that makes the game interesting as the calamity is coming and our lifetime is only 400 years.
Now about the technical aspects, vivid descriptions are the strength of your story, especially,
The imagery white fluff seemed overuse. I don't think you are a bad writer. You had a potential. You can hone your skills here. Keep writing
You open up this story really well, setting the character and the plot which is a neat concept by itself. I can tell this would be a really tough story to write with all the abstract details of the surroundings and the fact that it takes over 400 years. One thing I noticed is that you start most of your sentences with "I", "I did this, I did that," etc. I admit it's something I also get in the habit of doing too, I think getting more creative with your character's actions and mixing it up a bit would make things more interesting to read. Like for example instead of "I climbed up and continued." you could say "my fingers clawed into the wood as my legs carried me up the tree." Maybe not the best replacement, but it's just an example of what you could do.
You have a few spelling/grammar mistakes here and there, so make sure you read over your work carefully. If you have Microsoft Word, I'd write the story there and then copy/paste it when you're ready to upload so you can use the grammar checker. Otherwise, I think you picked a tough concept, but I'd keep going. It's not as bad as you make it out to be.