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Young Writers Society



The Beast's Game

by katiehorsie


She walks along the fine line between happiness and despair; she plays a dangerous game of life and death. A terrible fate awaits her fall – patiently biding its time until it has her in its grasp. It will one day have its way: she knows this all too well. Yet she still dances along the edge, refusing to give in and fall down.

She never tries to run away; she knows it would be pointless. One cannot escape their fate, nor can one change the course of time. Thus she stalls and leaves the beast to wait for the fragile wings of her heart to stop beating – the time when she will fall into its long, sharp, and deadly claws.

She plays the beast’s game, slipping back and forth between the light and the dark. It plays with her. It makes her suffer; it makes her fear. She does not know when the end of this game will draw near. She screams and pleads for the end to come to no avail.

She is just the beast’s toy. It throws her around like a doll. She once tried to fight, but now she sees there is no point to resisting. Her strength is dissolving. Her spirit is breaking. Her wings are tiring. She knows that she will not survive this dangerous game that she now plays.

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94 Reviews

Points: 5588
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Mon Jul 02, 2012 2:55 am
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Eliza:) wrote a review...



While this is a good start, it isn't a short story. Your metaphors and similes are very good, but a story needs more. Each story should include characters, plot, and setting. Your story doesn't use any of these fully.

One major problem is that you don't use any setting. Your character could be anywhere - and the reader wouldn't know. I personally assume she's in the jungle, but nothing in your story actually says that. Describe where she is, and how she interacts with it. If she is in a forest, describe her climbing over roots. If she is in the desert, describe her slowly pulling her feet out of the sand. A good link if you don't understand what I mean is:
viewtopic.php?f=150&t=41426

Her wings are tiring.

[/quote]Thus she stalls and leaves the beast to wait for the fragile wings of her heart to stop beating – the time when she will fall into its long, sharp, and deadly claws.[/quote]

Though I love your metaphors, I'm not sure if these parts are suppose to be literal or figurative, and even if they are literal, you leave the reader not knowing exactly what the beast and the main character are or do. Is the main character human? Is the beast a real animal? Because we don't know who they are, it is hard to relate to them and get into the story.

There is also no plot. We know someone is trying to destroy the "beast", but there are no events or action. There is conflict between the person and the beast, which is good, but we cannot see it or understand what is occurring. Now all you need are events that occur between the two. A good site to understand plot structure is:
http://english.learnhub.com/lesson/4579-plot-structure

So basically, this story is just too short. Usually the minimum for a short story is 1,000 words. To include everything that is needed in two hundred words just isn't possible. If you increased the length, you can make this into a great story. Right now it just needs a little work.

And just in case there is anything else you don't understand, AquaMarine's article is a good place to look:
viewtopic.php?f=150&t=59830




katiehorsie says...


Haha it wasn't really supposed to be a short story. I am just kinda bad at classifying my stuff sometimes, so they end up in random categories.



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33 Reviews

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Reviews: 33

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Sun Jul 01, 2012 10:02 pm
eyeofthestorm wrote a review...



Hello Katie!
Hmm...
I would like to first suggest that you change your title, because there's a relatively famous short story with a very similar title.
Here's a link if you'd like to read it. It's called The Most Dangerous Game.
http://www.classicreader.com/book/1317/1/
On to my review!
In your first paragraph you say, "A terrible fate awaits her fall - patiently..." I would suggest changing this to "A terrible fate awaits her should she fall, patiently..."
The sentence in the second paragraph that begins with "One cannot" seems a little out of place. You go from using she to using one, and it is a little confuzzling, to be honest. As the change is only for one sentence, I would recommend just switching the one to she and making it blend in better.
Overall, I just have little nitpicks on word choice, but my biggest comment is I don't think this is really a short story. It's kind of an "Other". Still, I really like it.
Thanks for the read!

--eyeofthe Storm




katiehorsie says...


Thanks. ^^




Every empire tells itself and the world that it is unlike all other empires.
— Edward Said