Alexandra - Chapter 1 Revised

This is my review im letting you know what the reader is thinging in the story. To start off why is she swiming in her room? I would also like to know the charactors name ealyer into the story. Why is her 16th birthday the main day to worrie? Are they mermaids? If so you really need to say something to let the reader know. Where are they? I wish you would give more detail, alot more i am totally lost.There are miss spelled words here and there and sentances that do not make sence. Re read your story out loud to yourself and you will find your mistakes. Chow!

I enjoyed it I would like to see more detail though the story and you wrote swiming around my room lol but over all a good start

Hey there... would you like to have another review? I would be happy to give one, if need be.

~Sarah

Hey there Kathy, Stella here!

I continued to swim around my bedroom,

I keep pacing around the bedroom. Today wasn’t just another normal day of worry, today is the main day to worry. I continue to chew my fingernails as I peek once more. Then pacing my bedroom, wondering what they’re talking about.

Ok, here to review! Just a fore thought. I stopped reading this story in the middle of it because of several reasons. I have put in the entire story to help you edit and post some of my own opinions.

I continued to swim around my bedroom, hiding behind the dark curtain as I {You changed from present tense to past tense, a very bad habit that happens to the best of us} peeked down to the city below. My father, King William and mother Rachael, spend every morning, {WAY too many commas in this sentence, really makes it hard to read} talking, about me, without my knowledge. {You don't need to make a new sentence on this, just put a comma or a semicolon} Or their knowledge of my knowing so. I keep pacing around the bedroom. Today wasn’t just another normal day of worry, today is the main day to worry. I continue to chew my fingernails as I peek once more. Then pacing my bedroom, wondering what they’re talking about.

Today is my sixteenth birthday. My best friend, Joshua, is talking with them. When I {Misspellsion! It is supposed to be inquire} enquire to him about their conversations, he dismisses the subject all {Misspellsion! } tog ether. I can’t retrieve any information from him.
{I don't like reading this part because you change subjects way too much, stick on one subject and elaborate on it}
Somedays, I have reported for dinner time to eat. When I arrive, the subject is changes quickly to some random thing that could notpossibly render a conversation piece at dinner. The seaweed outside the castle, or the wave current being somewhat cold lately. {Another different subject, it really sonfuses me}

One recent incident {You have changed to past tense again!} occurred. I swam into the main ballroom downstairs, and in a circle were my parents, Michael – a very annoying jester – and my best friend Joshua. I even heard my name being mentioned, but when the ballroom doros closed behind me, they glanced to see him heading their way, and {You are changing from past tense to present tense a lot in this paragraph} pause the conversation. It is so obvious they change the subject because I swim close to them so they don’t have a chance to think of what to say.

I’m tiring quickly from the pacing in my room, and peeking. I head down to the side castle gates.
“Hello father, mother, Joshua…and Michael,” I said, disappointed to say Michael. I hate him with a passion he’s a very big annoyance to me.

“Alexandra, why don’t you, Joshua, and Michael go out of the city and enjoy the day? There’s a lot going on in the city today and almost everyone is busy making plans for different things,” my father insisted. He enver likes me to leave the castle, let alone the city.

“Um, father, can Joshua and I go by ourselves?” I asked politely, not wanting Michael to get mad. He gave a discerning look in my direction.

“No, no. I suggest you all three go. You hardly get to talk to Michael, and you should all bond more.” I didn’t have a chance. The only choice would be if Joshua and I could swim faster than this jittery being called Michael, but I knew that wouldn’t happen. He was faster than I at swimming.

“No problem Sir, we will head out of the city very soon. I’ll be sure to keep my eye on her,” Joshua pulled me away, winking at father.

“Oh I’m sure I will keep two on her!” Michael said jokingly. Father smacked Michael’s arm. A smile instantly showed across my face. Father knew Michael had interest in me. Whether it be friendship, relationship, or what. I have never intended to discover what.

My parents dismissed themselves to the castle.

“Well let’s go!” Michael said reaching for me. I was already swimming away from him.

“Go away Michael. I don’t like you. You’re annoying and need to learn your place.” I demanded.
Joshua glanced at Michael but said nothing, and followed me to my bedroom, by the window, instead of through the castle hallways. {This conversation is too...fake, it seems too wrong}

“Alexandra?” Joshua said waving in the window without peeking.

“Yes Joshua?” I began pacing once more.

“Can I come in? I want to talk.” Joshua asked.

“Yes, Joshua, come in.” I stopped my pacing, and focused on my reflection in the broken mirror. My violet eyes look darker than usual. What are my parents planning or talking about? Joshua pulled the curtain back to keep out peepers.

“I’m sorry your father doesn’t negotiate well—.” Joshua began apologizing but I wouldn’t let him finish.

“—What was he talking about? It was about me wasn’t it?” I looked at Joshua through the mirror then began to pace again.

“Stop being so paranoid Alex. It’s nothing you need to worry about right now,” Joshua said calmly, trying to my movements.

“How can I have nothing to worry about? The conversation changed as soon as I was seen. I heard my name from the hallway a couple of times and then my birthday is today –.” My bad habit of pacing began once more.

“Please stop Alex,” Joshua put his hands on my shoulders and stood in front of me so I stopped.

“Well, I guess if you say it’s nothing to worry about,” I took a deep breath.

“You’re probably right. You’re always right Joshua.” {I'm confused at who says this quotation and the one before it. If it is the same person, then put it in the same paragraph}

“One thing he mentioned is that I will be moving into the castle…” Joshua paused. He didn’t want to say anymore.

“And? I mean, that’s great but finish your sentence. I can tell you have something else you need to say! What is it?” I know that whole conversation wasn’t just about him moving into the castle. And why is he moving into the castle?

“Don’t fret. Let me explain what I can tell you,” Joshua said slowly as if I were bad at comprehending his words.

“What is it?” I am beginning to get annoyed.

“I made sure Michael didn’t follow me because I know you would probably throw something at him if he did. Now, listen to me, OK?” Joshua tried his best at calming me down. He was pretty good at it. He knew me inside and out. But the mention of Michael’s name makes me uneasy.

“Okay, tell me,” I took a deep breath and closed my eyes to listen. I waited…then opened my eyes. He was waiting on me to look at him.

Joshua gripped my shoulders tighter and with a concerned look he finished.

“I am moving into the castle…along with Michael. He won’t only be the jester from now on, but he’ll be living in the castle as well.”

I glared at Joshua angrily. I knew it wasn’t Joshua’s fault that Michael was moving in, it was my father’s decision. He knew I’d be angry when he told me the news.

“Why? Why does he have to let such a jerk into the castle?” I began ranting and blurting out questions aloud.

“I mean it’s my birthday! Why does he have to do something like that? It doesn’t make sense!” I threw my hands up in the air like nothing matters anymore.

I turned away from Joshua and looked in the mirror, seeing her eyes had lightened up a little. I began to calm down as I glared at myself in the mirror.

“If it helps,” Joshua began, “his moving into the castle doesn’t make me happy either. He is very annoying. I’m almost jealous but him moving in too.

I think your dad wants me to take him under my wing and make him…nice and not so rude? I’m not sure. Maybe he’ll grow on us?” Joshua huffed, trying to come up with logical reasoning for Michael’s move into the castle.

“Maybe he won’t. I don’t see it happening. I’d marry you before I would him. I always thought he liked me more than a friend. I could be wrong. He’s such a jerk.

He has no common sense and does nothing but try to make people laugh and he’s not even good at that! He’s a total waste of space and water.” I mumbled under my breath.

We heard a knock on my bedroom door. Joshua knew the routine. He quickly hid outside the window, so he wouldn’t be caught in my bedroom. Even though we were friends, my bedroom is supposed to be a private room, since I am a princess. It wouldn’t be good if the city knew there were mermen in my room. Even if it was just one best friend named Joshua. Rumors happen in this city. Everyone is always up for a good gossip story.

“You may enter,” I announced.

The door opened and entered a castle maid.

“Hello princess. I have good news to deliver,” she said peeking in the room.

“Please, enter.” I motioned for her to come inside my door.

“Your mother has began to have stomach pains and back pain. It looks as if she is now in labor. We will take great care of her. It looks like you will have a little sibling by tomorrow morn’.” The maid smiled, pretending to rock a baby in her arms.

“Thank you, I’m really excited about it. For once I won’t be an only child,” I smiled back with excitement.

“If you only knew,” Joshua whispered under his breath but only I heard him.

“You’re welcome Miss Alexandra. Thank you and have a wonderful day,” The maid was very chipper and excited. She exited and shut the bedroom door.

“We’re clear, Joshua!” I said aloud to Joshua. He entered before I finished. I didn’t ask him about what he said under his breath.

“We need to head out soon. That’s exciting we will have a little sister or brother soon. I hope it’s a boy!” Joshua suddenly stoped smiling, realizing he said something he wasn’t supposed to.

“We?” I caught how he said it as if we were brother and sister. Joshua startled and realized how he said it without thought.

“Um…” Joshua hesitated. He tried to think carefully and quickly for a good response.



--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
peeked down to the city below. My father, King William and mother Rachael, spend every morning, talking, about me, without my knowledge. Or their knowledge of my knowing so. I keep pacing around the bedroom. Today wasn’t just another normal day of worry, today is the main day to worry. I continue to chew my fingernails as I peek once more. Then pacing my bedroom, wondering what they’re talking about.

Today is my sixteenth birthday. My best friend, Joshua, is talking with them. When I enquire to him about their conversations, he dismisses the subject all tog ether. I can’t retrieve any information from him.

Somedays, I have reported for dinner time to eat. When I arrive, the subject is changes quickly to some random thing that could notpossibly render a conversation piece at dinner. The seaweed outside the castle, or the wave current being somewhat cold lately.

One recent incident occurred. I swam into the main ballroom downstairs, and in a circle were my parents, Michael – a very annoying jester – and my best friend Joshua. I even heard my name being mentioned, but when the ballroom doros closed behind me, they glanced to see him heading their way, and pause the conversation. It is so obvious they change the subject because I swim close to them so they don’t have a chance to think of what to say.

I’m tiring quickly from the pacing in my room, and peeking. I head down to the side castle gates.
“Hello father, mother, Joshua…and Michael,” I said, disappointed to say Michael. I hate him with a passion he’s a very big annoyance to me.

“Alexandra, why don’t you, Joshua, and Michael go out of the city and enjoy the day? There’s a lot going on in the city today and almost everyone is busy making plans for different things,” my father insisted. He enver likes me to leave the castle, let alone the city.

“Um, father, can Joshua and I go by ourselves?” I asked politely, not wanting Michael to get mad. He gave a discerning look in my direction.

“No, no. I suggest you all three go. You hardly get to talk to Michael, and you should all bond more.” I didn’t have a chance. The only choice would be if Joshua and I could swim faster than this jittery being called Michael, but I knew that wouldn’t happen. He was faster than I at swimming.

“No problem Sir, we will head out of the city very soon. I’ll be sure to keep my eye on her,” Joshua pulled me away, winking at father.

“Oh I’m sure I will keep two on her!” Michael said jokingly. Father smacked Michael’s arm. A smile instantly showed across my face. Father knew Michael had interest in me. Whether it be friendship, relationship, or what. I have never intended to discover what.

My parents dismissed themselves to the castle.

“Well let’s go!” Michael said reaching for me. I was already swimming away from him.

“Go away Michael. I don’t like you. You’re annoying and need to learn your place.” I demanded.
Joshua glanced at Michael but said nothing, and followed me to my bedroom, by the window, instead of through the castle hallways.

“Alexandra?” Joshua said waving in the window without peeking.

“Yes Joshua?” I began pacing once more.

“Can I come in? I want to talk.” Joshua asked.

“Yes, Joshua, come in.” I stopped my pacing, and focused on my reflection in the broken mirror. My violet eyes look darker than usual. What are my parents planning or talking about? Joshua pulled the curtain back to keep out peepers.

“I’m sorry your father doesn’t negotiate well—.” Joshua began apologizing but I wouldn’t let him finish.

“—What was he talking about? It was about me wasn’t it?” I looked at Joshua through the mirror then began to pace again.

“Stop being so paranoid Alex. It’s nothing you need to worry about right now,” Joshua said calmly, trying to my movements.

“How can I have nothing to worry about? The conversation changed as soon as I was seen. I heard my name from the hallway a couple of times and then my birthday is today –.” My bad habit of pacing began once more.

“Please stop Alex,” Joshua put his hands on my shoulders and stood in front of me so I stopped.

“Well, I guess if you say it’s nothing to worry about,” I took a deep breath.

“You’re probably right. You’re always right Joshua.”

“One thing he mentioned is that I will be moving into the castle…” Joshua paused. He didn’t want to say anymore.

“And? I mean, that’s great but finish your sentence. I can tell you have something else you need to say! What is it?” I know that whole conversation wasn’t just about him moving into the castle. And why is he moving into the castle?

“Don’t fret. Let me explain what I can tell you,” Joshua said slowly as if I were bad at comprehending his words.

“What is it?” I am beginning to get annoyed.

“I made sure Michael didn’t follow me because I know you would probably throw something at him if he did. Now, listen to me, OK?” Joshua tried his best at calming me down. He was pretty good at it. He knew me inside and out. But the mention of Michael’s name makes me uneasy.

“Okay, tell me,” I took a deep breath and closed my eyes to listen. I waited…then opened my eyes. He was waiting on me to look at him.

Joshua gripped my shoulders tighter and with a concerned look he finished.

“I am moving into the castle…along with Michael. He won’t only be the jester from now on, but he’ll be living in the castle as well.”

I glared at Joshua angrily. I knew it wasn’t Joshua’s fault that Michael was moving in, it was my father’s decision. He knew I’d be angry when he told me the news.

“Why? Why does he have to let such a jerk into the castle?” I began ranting and blurting out questions aloud.

“I mean it’s my birthday! Why does he have to do something like that? It doesn’t make sense!” I threw my hands up in the air like nothing matters anymore.

I turned away from Joshua and looked in the mirror, seeing her eyes had lightened up a little. I began to calm down as I glared at myself in the mirror.

“If it helps,” Joshua began, “his moving into the castle doesn’t make me happy either. He is very annoying. I’m almost jealous but him moving in too.

I think your dad wants me to take him under my wing and make him…nice and not so rude? I’m not sure. Maybe he’ll grow on us?” Joshua huffed, trying to come up with logical reasoning for Michael’s move into the castle.

“Maybe he won’t. I don’t see it happening. I’d marry you before I would him. I always thought he liked me more than a friend. I could be wrong. He’s such a jerk.

He has no common sense and does nothing but try to make people laugh and he’s not even good at that! He’s a total waste of space and water.” I mumbled under my breath.

We heard a knock on my bedroom door. Joshua knew the routine. He quickly hid outside the window, so he wouldn’t be caught in my bedroom. Even though we were friends, my bedroom is supposed to be a private room, since I am a princess. It wouldn’t be good if the city knew there were mermen in my room. Even if it was just one best friend named Joshua. Rumors happen in this city. Everyone is always up for a good gossip story.

“You may enter,” I announced.

The door opened and entered a castle maid.

“Hello princess. I have good news to deliver,” she said peeking in the room.

“Please, enter.” I motioned for her to come inside my door.

“Your mother has began to have stomach pains and back pain. It looks as if she is now in labor. We will take great care of her. It looks like you will have a little sibling by tomorrow morn’.” The maid smiled, pretending to rock a baby in her arms.

“Thank you, I’m really excited about it. For once I won’t be an only child,” I smiled back with excitement.

“If you only knew,” Joshua whispered under his breath but only I heard him.

“You’re welcome Miss Alexandra. Thank you and have a wonderful day,” The maid was very chipper and excited. She exited and shut the bedroom door.

“We’re clear, Joshua!” I said aloud to Joshua. He entered before I finished. I didn’t ask him about what he said under his breath.

“We need to head out soon. That’s exciting we will have a little sister or brother soon. I hope it’s a boy!” Joshua suddenly stoped smiling, realizing he said something he wasn’t supposed to.

“We?” I caught how he said it as if we were brother and sister. Joshua startled and realized how he said it without thought.

“Um…” Joshua hesitated. He tried to think carefully and quickly for a good response.



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