anger

Hello darling.

First of all, I have always loved your work. And I love this one. I love the way you compare your anger to a fire. One thing I would change, however, is how quickly you use the house analogy. Start off with the fire-- start small. Then go to a house. Because when you start straight with the house analogy and then move on to the skeleton part of the poem, it feels as though it's going in a completely different direction than it started in. If it just started simple with just plain fire, it would have the ability to expand to different topics and metaphors, sort of like a fire.

I really REALLY love the closing line. It sent chills down my spine. I said "ooh girl" out loud. Those few ending sentences really showcase your abilities as a writer. You are soooooo talented!

I can't wait to read more of your poetry. I can't wait to see more of your works posted here, for people to appreciate. You really deserve that.

All my love,
Lilith Young.

Hey, kate2020 Anger actually breaks down or dissolves a human being into a vindictive animal, and when we try and suppress it, it eats us even more voraciously. So anger is like a warrior out for blood, it's not on anyone's side, it just beckons destruction. It kind of devours all that is good. I love the imagination in this piece, it kind of strips of all the walls and makes straight for the heart of the reader. and I love the line "Since when did you become the water and I the flame?". Shouldn't this be in the larger context of something, the poem feels incomplete it should have been in the context of something, I understand that the theme is anger, but anger with let's say anxiety or depression or a contradictory emotion would have taken this poem to another level.

Whatchamacallit here for a review!


First off, welcome! If you have any questions, feel free to ask. (That goes for my review, too.)


The first thing that hits me as I look at this poem is how intimidating it looks. One long paragraph of text, no pauses or chances to take a breath.
Cadi and KatjaDawn both suggested this, but I'm going to suggest it again; stanzas, stanzas, stanzas! That's when you divide your poem into sections (sometimes, in rhyming poems, the rhymes change from stanza to stanza).

For example,

''The anger in me rages like
a fire burning down a house.
It burns everything.
Nothing is left except
ashes and smoke.

You try to breathe
a simple breath
and you end up coughing.
That's what my anger will do.
It hurts me."

KatjaDawn offers another way to separate the first part of the poem; it all depend on if you want short lines (this can make a very emotional, rough effect) or longer, more finished sounding lines.


Okay. Next, repetition. There are a few places in this poem with repetition/unnecessary words, such as

"You try to breathe a simple breath and you end up coughing."

or

"Because remember, although you may be water [but] I am a storm that consumes fire."

In the latter line, I switched out "although" for "but", because to my ear it flows a bit better.
Which leads us on to the next point!


When you're reading a poem, a big part is the flow. It's a bit like a song; a good melody has rhythm, (even jazz!) and so does a poem.

I'll give a few examples where you could possible exchange (or edit out) some words to make the flow better (I'm also going to add stanzas in my example to show how line length could correspond).

"Burning my skin until
the only thing that's left is
a skeleton.
And no one can recognizes
the skeleton.

A form of who she used to be was.
No one can stop the fire
burning in my belly.
The flames will burn you
if you come too close
so I advise you to stay away."


Sort of similar, is word choice. What evokes the most feeling? For example,

"It burns everything."

vs.

"It spares nothing."

The second gives more of an angry, unforgiving, feel, which I think is what this poem is going for.


Lastly, don't forget grammar, spelling, etc. (I didn't see too much grammar stuff - just need to capitalize a few 'i's.)


I hope you realize there's a ton of great stuff about your poem! It just needs a bit of polishing, so I was focusing on the polishing to improve your poem. (Basically, I was pointing out all the bad stuff and ignoring all the good stuff. Mean, right?)
But there is so much potential here! Keep writing!


As I said at the beginning, if any of this review makes no sense or you have questions, feel free to ask.

Good luck!

-Whatchamacallit

Hi Kate! Welcome to YWS - I hope you're enjoying the site so far

In this piece, you're using a very clear metaphor for anger (fire!) - you get it across vividly, with lots of imagery. In particular, the image of burning right down to a skeleton really communicates the intensity of the anger!

That said, I get a little confused by the imagery at the end. The anger is fire, which water ought to quench, but even water is making the fire worse... so far, so good, but then at the very end you have "i am a storm that consumes fire", and I'm not really clear on what that means in context. Perhaps there is another angle you could come at this bit from, to make it a bit clearer?

Another thing I would suggest for improving this is breaking it up into a slightly more traditionally-poetic format. There is such a thing as prose poetry, where you write poetry which looks like prose, but I actually think this poem would work better in a more traditional format, with stanzas and line breaks. I think you've got a lot of words here, and you could stand to pare them back, editing the piece down to fewer words by choosing the most powerful and concise ways of saying what you want to say. In poetry, less is often more!

I hope this is helpful! And I look forward to seeing more from you on the site!

Cadi x

Hey there kate2020! Welcome to YWS! Thanks for sharing your poem! I hope you don't mind if I leave you with a review. Please feel free to disregard any suggestions or comments I make if you find them to be unhelpful. (ps... is that Aquirt from Finding Nemo? That's so cute!!) Anyway... onto the review!

My Overall Opinion

I really enjoyed you poem about anger. I liked the comparisons used such as flames, water, storms, and fueling the fire. I think you got across very well the feeling of rage when one decided to lie. Very relatable indeed.

My Suggestions

I feel like, since you were aiming at poetry here, it would read better if broken into lines/stanzas so as to have some sort of rhythm and flow like poetry. Poetry is very malleable, so this is merely a suggestion.

For example:

The anger in me rages like a fire burning down a house.
It burns everything; Nothing is left except ashes and smoke.
You try to breathe a simple breath and you end up coughing.

Since when did you become the water and i the flame?