Hi this is an extract from my story- the first meeting Please let me know your valuable feedbacks.
Monsoons had conquered the city of Mumbai- traffic jams, dented roads and persistent showers made travelling nuisance for the common man. The pedestrians were tormented by the heedless honking and drivers frustrated by the crawling automobiles.
A young, anxious looking lady was standing jerkily on the roadside, clutching an umbrella with her left hand and gesturing for a lift with her right. Her umbrella was doing little to guard her from the heavy downpour. The sleveless white gown with polka dots was partly drenched and water was dripping on exposed parts of her body from her long tresses.
Her eyes would light up at every approaching taxi and she would wave her hand furiously like a bird flapping her wings. She had spent more than thirty minutes on that spot looking for a conveyance; her patience had worn out. She pressurized her palm with her nails due to the shivering sensation. The darkening clouds and heavy downpour had gripped her with fear. She appeared delicate like flower and was not adaptive to such extreme situations. The only thing that mattered to her was to reach home safely. She looked at the menacing traffic with sympathetic and pleading eyes.
An old English rover halted in front of her. The driver unlocked the door and she reluctantly accepted the invitation from a stranger. She bent her head and entered inside the antique English model. The warm environment inside the rover was a relief for her shivering body.
The driver shamelessly utilized every opportunity to catch a glimpse of the beautiful woman. She was cuddled up in the corner of the seat, with her hands draped on her upper body, forming a cross. Water was dripping from her hair on the velvet cushioned seat, but the stranger was least bothered. He observed that her face had turned white and could listen the chattering of her teeth.
The stranger stretched his left hand and picked a blazer from the back seat. He offered the Blazer to the lady; she accepted politely. She removed the wet tresses from the front of her eyes and thanked him. He looked into her captivating eyes, for the first time in his life. She was special, though everything about her was ordinary. The lady felt secured in the company of that stranger and her worries gradually melted away. The stranger visited her colony frequently after that; always giving unsatisfactory excuses to her. His progress was uniform since that rainy day.
After six months the lady received a telegram from him, 'Hello mam! Its Valentine’s Day and I don't want you to be aloof, your favorite driver pick you at six, so please be ready'. The blushing smile on her face certified the date.
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125,008 Literary Works • 672,830 Reviews
Hi there, I'm OxfordandOnyx.
Here's my review!
Your opening line is very good, I like the use of the word 'conquered', it helps paint a picture of the rain pelting down over the city. However, from then on, you do not really describe anything else. Setting description is very important so do not forget to include this! You could have given us more information on Mumbai, I've heard it's such a live city!
I realise this is an excerpt but to improve. How about adding some dialogue to break up the text? Reading all of this got a bit tiresome and I wanted to see some interaction between the characters.
On the subject of characters, you need to develop them a bit more! Who are these people? You do not add any thoughts, opinions and emotion to this chapter and its therefore turned out to be pretty dull. You also do not describe them, physical descriptions aids the reader in painting a much more vivid image in their head of what your character looks and acts like.
You also needs to slow down the plot line a little...
This is all happening too quickly and I want to know why exactly this woman feels comfortable with the stranger? There is little information given and you do not show the characters bonding. One minute they are strangers the next, he is sending her telegram's?
In order to improve this story, I think you need to slow down the plot line and build relationships between your characters. I thought your vocabulary was excellent!
Good Luck writing this!
#004080 ">OxfordandOnyx
I really like how you introduced us to the the story. I love how you put in the right amount of details. The only thing that bothers me is that between when she was dropped off at her house safely and when six months had past, time was quick. You should have put something between there like...she liked him since that day and she was excited. Other than that, your short story was fantastic. I wanted to keep reading on.
Hey I'm Izzy, I'm just giving you a quick review.
First of all may I say you have some impressive vocabulary here, nice work, and I like the frame work of this story, though I do think it could be improved.
I going to start of by going through small nitpicks first, then I'll give you a bit of an evaluation.
Travelling should be traveling. Also I thought this sentence should read "traveling a nuisance for the"
This is optional but I think it makes the sentence flow more easily.
This sentence didn't seem to fit for me. You go on to describe the "heedless honking" of presumabley cars but then you say "and drivers frustrated", why do these comments not link? Surely it is the honking of frustrated drivers? Anyway, it just bugged me a bit.
I don't think jerkily is the right word. I would put awkwardly.
Gesturing a lift?? I think you are over complicating things, basically she was hitch hiking or hailing a taxi. Gesturing for a lift sounds awkward and doesn't really fit. I would change it.
It seems like your trying to fit too much description into one sentence. I would either rearrange this or split it into two sentences, theres no shame in spacing out your description. Also, where is the other description? What does she look like for that matter? Add some more description in, build up more of a character.
I don't quite understand this, explain or expand.
This should be; Her eyes would light up as a taxi approached.
I'm not to sure about this metaphor, seems a little childish to me, not really the characteristic of a young women who you say is beautiful.
What so she'd spent another thirty minutes beforehand on a different spot? I would just take out the "on that spot" Also I think conveyance should be simplified to something simpler, I don't know if everyone will understand it easily.
I would change the last bit from "due to the shivering sensation" to "in frustration"
You have the opportunity to add in more description here. Say why she looked delicate, what about her make her look breakable? Was it her skinny limbs, the expression on her face? Expand.
Why does she want to get home so badly?
Incorrect use of sympathetic.
You badly need some dialogue here. What did she say to the driver? What about a little conversation of where she's going.
Add in some description of the driver, so far we just have a blank Englishmen.
I really can't picture her forming a cross over her upper body, I think you need to phrase this differently.
Why isn't this put in dialogue?
Try to steer away from cliches like this, and we need more description. We don't even know what color her eyes are.
As this story is written in the third person you must steer away from opinuons like this unless they are the strangers thoughts, in which you must put "he thought" or something along those lines, at the end.
Should be "the lady felt secure"
Her worries of what? Expand.
Her colony? I really don't understand this, you haven't told us anything about how or where she lives so this doesn't make any sense or have any relation to the story.
The bits in bold are what I've added in.
Now for the evaluation bit :]
Character Development
As far as character development goes you have very little. I have no idea of the appearance, personality or life of either of the character's your describing. It makes your story very one dimensional and hard to picture in your head. As this is in the third person you have an excuse to describe the characters perfectly without it seeming overboard. Go into huge detail on the facial features and interactions between characters as this will help develop them into their own personalities. Another thing I hope to see would be back stories, these you can add in the form of dialogue. It had to of been a pretty special conversation for them to of spoken after. I have a few things I think you should include;
-Where they came from, ie home, work, town and why.
-Why she had to hitch a lift and why he decided to pull over
-Where she lives and her appearance and opinions of the man.
Setting
I was a little disappointed with this aspect as you said at the beginning you were in Mumbai but you didn't go into much detail about it. Mumbai is a thriving, living Indian city. I want to see people carting herbs and selling fabrics up and down the streets. The roadside where she stands would be packed with people, making it hard to be noticed, maybe that's why she hasn't been picked up yet. You have a lot of room here for description, use it!
Dialogue
You have no dialogue in this at all which I think needs to change. Conversation and human interaction is such an important part of both a growing relationship and a story. It helps establishing the characters and how they act around people.
Overall
This is a good story with the potential to be a great one, but you really do need to expand a lot in your description and character development. I thought your vocabulary was excellent if a little over-complicated and inconsistent. Some sentences are very advanced and others simplistic, it confused me a bit. I hope you take all this into account.
Keep Writing,
Izzy
First of all, welcome to YWS! Check out the welcome forums if your confused or anything, it's really helpful.
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Comma after roads, it's still apart of a sequence.
Sleeveless is spelled wrong. You need two E's.
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Those are the only two mistakes that I found within your piece. I don't know if this is your style of writing, but shouldn't there at least be some dialogue?
Good piece.