10.7.16
my hand is in your hand,
the smell of fresh cut grass and cigarette smoke linger in the air.
you walk me to my car, for i fear dark and of solitude.
i ride home with a secret that is your touch and your breathe whispers in my ear.
in my bed my thoughts run rampant with images of you played on repeat until my consciousness disappears.
your scent permeates my senses,
i cannot breathe.
10.7.17
i remember the taste of your lips.
laying on my bed i wait for a message from a boy,
his name differs from your own.
his ringtone does not.
in every man i meet i search for a piece of you.
dimples when they smile,
untamable curly hair,
a small white scar on their right cheek.
and when i do not find it, i find myself uninterested.
a year has passed, yet your cologne still lingers on my sheets.
i insist i have moved past you,
you are now only the stuff of memories and daydreams.
i lie.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
Hello, shaniac here to review your poem!
I'm really enjoying the bits of imagery you have swirling between the two years that this is happening. In the first bit, where you are going at, seems to be the first hurdle the relationship between the narrator and the person she is dating. It kind of ends on that note of even though the date has ended, the narrator can still feel their presence with them. In the second bit, it seems that now the narrator is trying to move on from the guy by dating different guys, which may hurt her a bit more.
The imagery throughout this poem really does set the tone for the rest of the poem. I'm getting a sort of vibe you would get with a mystery lady who has a dark history or something. That may just be me overthinking on this poem, but I definitely do enjoy the total theme of this entire poem.
A small suggestion that I do have is with this line: "laying on my bed i wait for a message from a boy". Now, when I read this, I begin to think that maybe it is a high school girl. Then again, with the scents of cologne and lingering the sheets, kind of gives me an image of someone older. Instead of using "boy", you could use "young man" or just "man", could work fine. Another thing I'd like to mention is the ending, "i lie." I feel like it should be "i lied" because this whole poem seems to take place in the past and with that, the ending would make more sense and flow a bit better. Also, the line prior mentions that the person is now the stuff of memories and daydreams, so even with that, it should be "i lied" instead of "i lie".
To cap, this entire poem is wonderful and the tone was really set by the imagery you provided. Another thing I'd like to key you in on is focusing on little details that are in your poem. Have a good day/night and if you have any questions, let me know!
Radrook here a once again to offer some suggestions.
Apologies if i offend. It isn’t my intention.
Please feel full free to cast aside all things you deem not helpful.
But if you do be sure its true by being extra careful.
That having been said:
Yow! Wow! and Holy Cow! This was really intense! The wistful, melancholic mood was conveyed perfectly. The word choices were spot on! I like how you moved from past to her present. Also I like how the poem engages the sense of smell via mentioning the aroma of cologne on the sheets and sight via mentioning scar, untamable, curly hair, dimples when smiling.
A fascinating read and I look forward to reading more of your work.
Suggestions
laying on my bed i wait for a message from a boy,
[lying on the bed . . . .]
Imagery
Describing the specific scent of the cologne would be nice. Google men's colognes and take a pick.
I visualized the hair texture but didn't see it's color. Skin color would also enhance reader ability to see the person.
Age Discrepancy
One thing that puzzled me is that the poem describes the female as dating boys and then tells us she is dating men. The time gone by is only a year. So the speaker is still approx the same age she was in when dating boys. Right?