love hina encore
chapter 1:
scene 1: hinata apartments
shinobu is asleep in her bed
kaolla opens the door
kaolla : shinobu what are you doing , you shouldn't sleep during the day
shinobu slowly opens her eyes and sits up
shinobu : what time is it ?
kaolla : its all most noon
shinobu : is it that late... why did you guys let me sleep in this long?
motoko : you want to be fully rested for the festival tonight don't you?
shinobu : festival? what festival?
kaolla : the star festival silly, you got to be fully rested in case you meet a nice boy
shinobu : don't joke about a thing like that, it's not funny (blush)
keitaro shouts from down stairs
keitaro : shnobu could you come here please
shinobu : OK ill be down in a minute
kaolla : perhaps you'll find someone a cute as ketaro
shinobu blushed a deep red
shinobu : GET OUT!
shinobu throws her pillow at kahola
door closes
down in the main lobby
shinobu : what is it ketaro?
keitaro : me and naru were going out ,we were wondering if there was anything you needed picked up
shinobu : no there nothing i need , you two go and enjoy your time out
naru : OK shinobu , see you later
as naru and ketaro were walking out the door all shinobu could look at was the ring on naru's finger
kitsune :20 years old and shes already engaged
shinobu : hes only 2 years older then her so it's not that bad
kitsune : shinobu, i know you liked him but he to old for you
Motoko: 7 years in the difference IS a little much
kitsune : you fell in love with him as well so don't act like you never
shinobu: maby you should have confessed your love, only being one year younger then him , you two would have made a nice couple
Motoko : can we please stop fighting your giving me a headache
ok so it got me thinking why not make it better ... so i tryed...
mostly paragraph 2 is the one change...completly
may i present love hina 1.2 ... it's a work in progress. but it's started
if you see any probloms let me know and i will try to fix them again
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,857 Reviews
don't worry im not mocking you ... but if you'r telling some one to use spellcheck you should try to spell it right...
no hard fealings
Okay, okay, I get your point. But proper spelling and grammar make the read easier and more enjoyable. If your writing something, put some effort into it, try to make it as good as possible. Spell check takes only about a few mins if you watch what you are writing.
Yeah, that was a bit stupid. Thanks for pointing out the mistake!
yes i wold . i dont look at how it's written i look at WHAT'S written.
the story in a whole not how each phrase is made
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might i add that i'm not that fond of this one myslef
I agree with Crysi and everyone before me. If you post something, make sure it is decipherable. You expect us to read it, you expect us to make a critique - well, thats what we are doing. It is common courtesy to use proper spelling and grammar. -Would you read something that didn't have it? Truthfully please.
i did...
the damn spelling cow was mocking me...
I'd just like to point out a few things.
1. This is a writing website, and by posting on here you give us the right to assume you wish to improve your writing. Therefore, don't tell us to not criticize your spelling and/or grammar - that's part of writing, too, and if you don't work on it, then it will never get better and you'll lose readers.
2. There is a spell check button below the text window when you post. At least click that before you post and make corrections. It works quite well, and perhaps people would be more interested in reading your work. It really is tiresome to have to guess at what you're trying to spell.
Don't feel you have to ask.
If I were you though, I'd put it in a new thread. Unless, of course, it's also a Love Hina one, in which case I'm sure it'd be fine here. Up to you though.
I'll be back...
Kay.
just as a question ... who would like to see the first fue lines of my new story
to all : i ask you to stop tormenting me about how bad my spelling and grammer is
it is starting to get RELLY ANOYING
thank you
kaolin--
You'll notice this is a writing website.
Writing incorporates spelling, grammar and structure.
This failed on all three acounts.
Best,
Brad
thanks Imp ,and yes this one is all mine , no other searies prompted me to write this ( i don't think... )
P.S i need some names for the next searies if you have aney good ideas ( english or not ) let me know.
thank you all for taking the time to read my "love hina " continuation.
after i wrote this i found out that there was more *stuff* happining in the manga searies and that i was left in the dark about what happened to the charaters
Thanks Kaolin.
Writing more fanfiction? or something out of your own head entirely? ^_^ Either way, good luck with it--and if you need any comments, feel free to PM me.
IMP
as i sead befor * there will be no more of this from me *
however i am planing a totaly difrent searies to be released starting in 2 weeks
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I lied...
Oy, slow down, Kaolin. ^_^ No one is attacking you personally.
YWS is a site dedicated it helping young people improve their writing. Someone posts a work in progress to be edited, critiqued, commented on--not just to be "aaaawed".
If the posters above point out things that they thought made it harder to enjoy your piece, they did it to help you. They don't mean it badly. You don't have to respond with 'deal with it'.
as i sead before i know its bad but so is complaining about what another person dose if it dosent affect you , if you dont like it dont read it
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you sound like my 7th grade english teacher
Er... sorry to inform you of this, but this a writing site. If you expect us to take the time to look at your work, then you better well have put in the effort to make it presentable. That means simple grammar and mechanics should be present.
We simply don't "deal with it".
yes i know i have no style. deal with it
yes i know i cant spell. deal with it
dont worry by the way things look now im not continuing this searies
unless people give alot of want for the next one i have thought up there will be no more
Yeh, some of the spelling is a bit off, and it would help a bit if you capitalised the first letter of each sentence. Also, is you have to explain to the reader what the storyline is at the end of the piece, the writing needs more detail to show the reader how old the characters are and how they are related to each other, rather than adding a 'P.S' on the end.
Hope it helps!
RR*
I won't repeat Kay--she's said what's best said, you know. ^_^
Same about the scripts/fanfiction. Moved
I'm guessing this is fanfiction, right?
First thing I would say is that it'd be a lot easier to read if you had used a spellcheck or something first. It also gets a little confusing for people who don't know the anime. I've seen some episodes before, but not for a while, so I might try and watch one before I come back to this, just to refresh my memory so I know who each character is.
I'll be back...
Kay
im working on it ...just give me time...