I close my eyes to drown in my pain.
I feel alone.
I feel scared.
No on will stop,
No one cares to hear.
This is toto much for me to bear.
I want to call for help,
but i'm too filled with fear.
I want to get up,
I want to leave.
But i cant do this alone!
Can't anyone see?!
I'm just alone in this..
God is just too far away.
I'm in the wrong place,
I don't belong here.
this is not where i want to stay.
I'm reaching up,
He's reaching down.
Please hurry..
before i drown.
I'm going under,
I cant breathe anymore
Waters blurring my vision
You're disappearing
into the darkness
I'm out of my comfort zone.
I'm alone.
Yes, i've done you wrong,
Maybe i deserve to die without a sound.
I'm starting to fear
That im closing my eyes for the last time...
I never conquered that mountain i was trying to climb.
Wait....
I feel a warm hand grasp mine.
I dont want to let go of all the other things,
but im more than willing this time.
I see your beautiful face,
you wrap your arms around me.
You opened my eyes,
and now i can see.
That i was never alone,
I never left my comfort zone.
They pulled me under,
but your stronger than they.
He is the rock, the stone.
I am not alone.
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125,008 Literary Works • 672,820 Reviews
I think this is a beautiful poem. I think I know what you are getting at so I understand all the wording you use.
Okay, just letting you know, I will never be able to top the critique by Demeter, but I can let you know what I thought (:
The emotion is certainly there, but some of the language you use is extremely point-blank. I would also be concerned about your use of ellipses; I think they take away from the effect of the poem.
Some of your stanzas flowed nicely (i.e. "I'm reaching...I drown") but others were a bit off (i.e. "Yes, I've done...without a sound").
Try reading your poem out loud to yourself; a lot of times that's the way you can fix flow problems.
Hope I helped. Keep Writing (:
Hi, Kaityjay!
This stanza isn't a very balanced way to start, since you have one long line and two shorter ones. I feel that the first line would flow better and not be such a jumble if you took out the "my", having "I close my eyes to drown in pain." Also, as I think we all know or can at least guess, the first stanza is like the entrance to a hall of a house you've never visited before. It gives the first impression and introduces us to the house, or the poem. This is why it should be strong in itself, and wouldn't be that much dependable on the rest of the poem, although it must of course make the reader read more. On this particular case, I think that you've done an alright job in bringing the subject up. However, it could still be more powerful, especially when "alone" and "scared" are so plain and used words.
Let's take the spelling slips first. In the first line "on" should be "one". In the third line, "toto" should of course be "too", and in the last line "i'm" should be "I'm".
Okay. I don't know whether you were reaching for rhyming this stanza, but it doesn't work that well, because "bear" is pronounced differently than "hear" and "fear", although it looks the same. Then again, it could be a cunning trick for the gullible reader, in which case I leave it alone.
Two "just"s make it repetitive.
I like this stanza. The flow is good, and a new aspect, "he", comes around. Remember to capitalize your I's, and there should be three dots in the ellipse.
Dying without a sound seems a bit absurd to me, although all's fair in love and poetry, at least almost. Nevertheless, I feel it would make more sense if expanded, or you could also use something water related, since it's a subject that seems to carry throughout the poem. (And again, those I's!)
I'm and I. The whole mountain image comes a bit out of the blue, although it makes a good contrast with all this water and drowning subject. It's just somewhat surprising, that's all.
You should take the period out of the last line in the first stanza, because the idea continues in the second stanza. "Your" should be "you're", and "they" should be "them", I believe.
I like your ending. It's firm and makes the poem easy to grip for the reader. A thing you need to focus on more is capitalizing your I's. It's very disturbing when you have "I said" somewhere and "i said" somewhere else, not to mention that lowercase i is wrong when talking in first person. Also, you seemed to have quite a lot of apostrophe errors, like you had "waters" when it should've been "water's", e.g. "water has" or "water is". When you have "waters", it means waters in plural. You need to remember the apostrophe as well when you're shortening "I am" to "I'm". "Im" without the apostrophe doesn't really mean anything else than instant messenger, but that's a whole another story.
Just keep these things in mind and keep writing, you did a decent job!
Demeter
xxx