The creaky bridge swayed heavily in the wind, making the man gulp. Slowly, he put his foot on the first plank. He stepped down carefully, making sure to stay clear of the moldy parts. He put his other foot in front of him, holding on to the slippery rope railing for balance. He took another step, and then another. Slowly but surely, he started to make his way across the smelly, bug-infested swamp. He had just started to get confident, when he heard a snap, and then another one. The snaps continued as he started running hastily to the other side. He wished he could look back, and see what was supposedly chasing him, but he knew that if he stopped for even a second, whatever was chasing him, could catch up to him, and kill him. He kept running with those thoughts in his mind. Just as the other end came into view, he caught his breath. There, on the other end, was a huge tree. The largest tree the man had ever seen before, covered in reds, yellows, and oranges. Mesmerized, the man came to a halt. The tree's intense beauty took over his mind. He forgot about the thing that he thought was chasing him, and he forgot that he was in the middle of a swamp, with who knows what surrounding him. All he saw was the tree. Suddenly, the board beneath him broke, making his leg fall through. Then, he heard voices. Afraid, he looked to the noise, but all he saw was his wife, and his children running towards him. Relieved, he looked back down to his leg. But what he saw wasn't a broken bridge, what he saw was that his leg had fallen through the backyard deck. When he looked back to the tree, all of the leaves had died, or fallen away. Confused, the man rubbed his eyes and looked back at the tree. In place of a tree, was a house. there was no trace a tree had ever been there before. When his family got to him, they helped him up, hugged him, and kissed him. Suddenly, the wind picked up, and the sky got dark. They held tight to each other, and prayed. The howling wind started to pull them apart. Then, she let go, and was pulled away, with the kids. All that was left was the ring that he had given her on their wedding day.... He woke up, and looked at the old, broken ceiling of his apartment. " I wonder how they're doing." He lazily got up, and took a beer out of the fridge. " It's only been two years since she left with them. I hope their lives are happier than they were with me." From time to time, he still hears the snapping sound, reminding him of the past, reminding him of his family, and reminding him that nightmares really can come true.
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140,812 Literary Works • 673,694 Reviews
Hiya there. Pastel here for a hopefully helpful review full of rambling! This story is a bit old but this review has been in my drafts for a bit, so I’m here to get it out!
I like what this story was saying. I enjoyed the dream (dreams? considering the scenes changed twice? oh well) the man was having that was being compared to his wife and kids leaving him. It makes me wonder if he did something bad, as you did state that he drinks, and he also said that he hoped they were happier. Maybe he was abusive and came to his senses when they left, perhaps?
I do think, however, that you could work on detail a bit more in this. And maybe to make the chase scene just a bit longer, as it was there and gone so fast. Another thing that bothered me was that this was all one blob of words. This could obviously need a couple of paragraphs, and while I’m not the very best at knowing when to start a new paragraph in my own writing, I’m oddly pretty good at it with other peoples’ writing.
Here’s an example, you could start a new paragraph here:
“He woke up, and looked at the old, broken ceiling of his apartment.” Were going from dream to real life here, so a new paragraph is needed since the topic is changing. You also need to start a new paragraph whenever some one speaks, so I think you know what to do there.
Well, that’s the end of my review. Cheers!
Hello there!
I always love short stories like this, so I was glad to find it! I like that it is quick and to the point, however I do feel like just a tiny bit could be added. A bit more imagery would be nice and would add to the atmosphere, and the suspense if you do it right.
I also think the chasing part could be lengthened just a smidge. It would be more enjoyable if the reader could feel a bit of the dread and fear that the character does, and adding some more details would really help to put the reader right into the scene.
Other than that I enjoyed this, so good job and keep writing!
-Littlefox
Hello, E.E here for a possibly quick review and maybe some utter nonsense! Grim is here as well, drinking hot cocoa and being a slacker. *Grim looks over, glaring* So, lets get started. :piece
So, first thing I notice is that a whole bunch of places are in dire need of indentation. Those places would be "The largest tree the man had ever seen before, covered", "Suddenly, the board beneath him broke, making his leg fall through. ", "But what he saw wasn't a broken bridge, ", " In place of a tree, " (a space fix is need at this line as well), "He woke up, and looked at the old, ", " " I wonder how they're doing." and " From time to time,". Otherwise I did not notice any grammar or spelling mistakes with they story.
You do have me very intrigue with it though. Dot tag me when the second intrigue comes out or if it is out, tag me please! I would love to know what happens next!
Overall I loved the story and keep up the good work! Happy Halloween! I really need to go now Grim has souls to reap and he needs more cocoa. He has a problem, seriously. Cheerio and fruit loops to you!
Hello! I won't bother introducing myself or telling you why I'm here because you can see both of those things in the bold above this post. So. To business.
You can cut the 'supposedly.' It's an unnecessary adverb. Unnecessary words are bad. Adverbs are bad. It just... no.I. Without even reading this, I can tell that you need to break up the story into paragraphs. Paragraphs each represent a thought, right? I'm sure there are multiple thoughts being stated there, so break up the paragraph.
II.
III. You have more commas than you really need. To improve flow, it's good to have less commas. This isn't to say that you should just cut out all the commas or get rid of the points where you'll need commas but the average sentence has no more than two commas and some of yours have as many as five. It's a rare case where you'll need more than one.
IV. Towards the end there are so many scene changes that things get a little confusing, all of the different images blurring together. I kind of like how they blurred, it adds dreamlike mystery, but you should describe each scene in more detail. All of them are important. They deserve attention. I think the first scene in particular should be described, possibly even before our nameless protagonist is introduced.
V. I'd like a bit more of a description of the things that make the narrator think that he's being chased. You didn't really go into it much beside a snapping noise.
VI. Lastly, I'm not really sure how all of the dreamlike images connect to the end scene with just the man thinking about his wife and kids. It doesn't seem totally relevant, especially to the first scene with the bridge. I'd also like at least a brief description of what the characters look like.
You have a strong start here with immediate tension and an obvious conflict, but then it sort of diffuses itself as the scenes shift to the point where the reader's emotion just becomes semi-ominous curiosity instead of being tense and eerie. An interesting idea that I would consider is putting the bridge scene at the end and then rewriting the ending, but maybe that's just me wanting everything to be horror as it gets closer to Halloween.
Keep writing!
Feltrix
I enjoyed the story because it immediately creates drama by providing a situation of conflict between man and his surroundings by placing the man in a dangerous situation. I also like the way that you use symbols such as a tree and a bridge. Sometimes we do feel that things from our past are chasing us via memories that we wish we didn’t have. Sometimes we do wish that we had another chance do things over again. Sometimes life does seem like a nightmare because we know that the bridge of time doesn’t permit a person to go backwards but that every plank-hour is a permanent step. Thanks for sharing this very interesting story. Below are some suggestions.
Based on the wind and the general mood, as a reader I imagined this taking place on a misty night with a storm brewing. I imagined the wife and daughter being of European appearance. The tree I imagined as having gnarled leafless branches with thick gnarled roots deep into the opposite swampy ledge. Whether or not that is what you the writer intended for me to see I don't know. Was it?
Suggestions:
Please organize the composition into readable sections. Otherwise the reader will be afraid ruining his eyes trying to separate all those words.
paragraph: The creaky bridge
Paragraph: He had just started to get confident
paragraph: Mesmerized, the man came to a halt
paragraph: Suddenly the wind picked up
“....bug[-] infested swamp.”
Please note that as reader I have trouble seeing the bridge. Since you describe it as swaying, it comes across as a suspension bridge. What exactly is it bridging in a swamp? If the man is afraid that a plank will give way, that means that the man fears what is under the bridge.
Is it quicksand several feet under? Is it spanning a river far below? So I would describe or make a brief statement about what the bridge is bridging so we can visualize the scene better. Or maybe not describe its location as a swamp.
“scrappy ceiling” I understood it as aggressive spirit inclined to fight or strive since that’s the way this word is usually used. Notice how it is pronounced.
https://www.wordhippo.com/what-is/how-d ... rappy.html
Notice the synonyms provided for it are: aggressive, bellicose, fierce, combative, hostile, mean, warlike, hot tempered, militant, quarrelsome etc
https://www.wordhippo.com/what-is/anoth ... rappy.html
So I would seek another adjective.
Ok! thank you for your advice!