The story behind this piece is that I've spent more than half of my life in and out of treatment centers for mental health issues. I wrote this piece right before graduating my last residential treatment center which I left last week on August 21st 2015. I read this at my graduation, and it was an incredibly meaningful journey for me. I just wanted to share it, and receive any feedback that I could get. PS - Fulshear is the name of the treatment center I was at in Texas.
Blossoming and Blooming
By: Kadeelyn K.
My heart is heavy, my heart is strong
I know exactly where I belong
At this treatment center which will help me
It will give me new lenses that will help me see
My therapist will walk by my side
There will be many tears that will be cried
My peers will guide me and hold my hand
The staff will pick me up and help me stand
Not a day goes by that I question my choice
To come to treatment and use my voice
To pick up the pieces and ask for what I need
To grow tall I must plant the seed
Coming to treatment was pretty hard
I was dealt a painful deck of cards
I wanted to quit day after day
But everyone’s hope helped me stay
So I keep on fighting this journey ahead
I cooperate each day and take my meds
I was once so low, so stuck on the ground
Through therapy though I have found
If I ask for what I really crave
I can grow tall and be quite brave
A healthy, strong, influential girl
Set out on a journey to survive this world
She struggled at times and fell on her face
But then she realized recovery isn’t a race
She stayed at Fulshear and learned to keep fighting
She kept a journal and never stopped writing
She learned to love what she had
She learned its okay to feel a little sad
No need to scream to get people to care
She thought her emotions were too much to bear
But deep down inside she knows she will win this fight
All she had to do was turn on her light
The light to her soul, the light to her heart
She had a rough journey from the start
But that didn’t stop her; she kept on believing
This girl is a miracle, she keeps on achieving
Thanks to the staff and all of her peers
She learned to move past all the hard years
Thanks to Fulshear she blossomed and bloomed
Even though she thought she was doomed
This girl saved her life; she won the war
She faced her demons and lived by her core
Now she is thriving and living each day
For her to be happy is all I will pray
She lived her core meaning and did HIS
She no longer wished that she would die
Flying high and soaring fast
This girl has won and conquered her past
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125,027 Literary Works • 672,774 Reviews
Hey! ChocolateCello here!
So I really don't feel the need to edit this because it was clearly written from the heart. You did a great job showing the struggles, the recovery, and the outcome of the speakers journey, (Your journey)
I always prefer punctation in any poem over five line but that's totally your choice. The poem flowed nicely either way. You're rhymes were great too, nothing feeling forced.
This poem had a great message. It was really encouraging and I couldn't help but smile as I read it.
The authors note was helpful too, shining a bit of light on the situation and it was really brave to tell everyone about your journey.
Sorry that this review was so short but I always have a hard time putting praise into words. You obviously have amazing skill and I encourage yo to keep writing and creating.
Congratulations to you on this achievement and thank you for sharing this poem.
-ChocolateCello
Hey, Kadeelyn! Artemis here to review. Team Zenith for the win!
The rhyming was amazing (except for the HIS part), and I loved it. Your meaning was clear, and you stayed on one point for the entire poem. The story was full of hope and was inspiring. Congratulations! Keep writing, Kadeelyn!
Just so you know, you don't have to restate the title after your author's note, or even put your name below it. Actually, I would suggest you not do that, for the sake of privacy. But you can do what you want.
What is HIS? You might want to explain that in your poem, just for future readers who might get confused. And how does it rhyme with "die?"
Also, I suggest that you put a period after the last word, just to signify the ending a bit more. It seems a little incomplete without something to say, "This is the end."
I could find no more nitpicks! Wow. Time for compliments!
-Artemis28 (Go Team Zenith!)
Thank you for sharing this beautiful poem and happy review day!
Most importantly about this poem that I liked was it's message to everyone. To fight for your life and never give up, and to live for a reason (if that's the message). But poems with important messages like yours are spectacular.
i liked how you wrote this poem out in rhyme, but there was one particular spot where it felt a little jammed and it didn't feel like it was worded correctly.
The first time I read these two lines it felt unnatural, but as I read it more I have gotten used to it. I just felt like the first time I read it you repeated 'help me' on both lines and I didn't really notice the 'see' at the end.
The beginning of this had the point of view in 'I' and then continued with the point of view of 'She'. I wasn't sure if this was on purpose. Was it you in two different points of views?
Also, I love the fact that this was based off of a real life journey and I am very glad that you chose to share it on YWS.
This was very interesting and it pulled me in the minute I read the first line. I couldn't stop reading it, I actually read over it a couple times for fun - that's how much I enjoyed it. When I think about this journey and the words you used for this, it kind of influences me to never give up (like I said before).
To me this describes how it can be hard to never give up because there are ups and downs, and this poem perfectly shows an example of that.
If I were to recommend poems to people, this would probably be one of them I would recommend. It made me feel emotional. This is very moving, so I hope you'll write more like this!
Hello! Congrats on graduating and feeling better. I'm glad you're feeling good.
Now as this is a very personal poem about a very personal thing, I'll try not to hurt your feelings about it. Still, I'm very honest in my reviews, to take everything with a grain of salt. don't let what I say make you feel worse about yourself, your skills as a poet, or the poem itself.
I like that this is happy in the end it's a very triumphant story. I like success stories because there are so many poems that are just constantly negative.
If you want this poem to appeal to a wider audience, you have to make it less specific to your circumstance.
For what you used it for-- reading it at your graduation-- it was perfect. The people there could relate to it. However, if you want some 50 year old guy named Chuck who lives in Detroit and has never been to a mental treatment center in his life to like it, then you have to make it appeal to a broader audience. It all depends on your audience.
One think I did not like about this was the rhyme. It was done pretty well, but it still seemed to dictate the things you were going to say. This makes it sound forced. You're so focused on getting the lines to rhyme that you're not saying what you would have had you not made it rhyme. Not all poetry has to rhyme. Personally, I think you should write what you feel about this without caring about rhyme, rhythm or form.
This poem is pretty long, and repetitive in many parts. I've found that shorter poems hold the attention of the reader for longer and hit generally harder. I must say that I lost interest during this poem and had to force myself to read on. Delete repetitive parts. You can confine how good you felt when you had conquered to a few lines, and then make that into a stanza, which brings me to my next point...
Finally, the poem could really use some stanzas. If you had them in stanzas before and YWS messed that up, try using shift + enter/return to get the space between your lines to be smaller, and then using just straight up enter/return to get the wider breaks you have now to divide into stanzas. If that doesn't work, there are other ways, just ask and I'll show you. Stanzas help poems by breaking the content into manageable chunks. It's like reading a bunch of really short poems instead of one enormous one. It also helps isolate ideas and drive home points.
I hope this helps. Let me know if you have any questions.
Keep writing!
~fortis
Hey! Thank you so much for sharing this incredible experience. I think everyone on this website can agree that the most powerful writing comes from the heart and this piece of work definitely shows us that again. Thank you for sharing