I miss you

by kabbaj

Published August 28, 2010

I miss you

I love my wife so much so dear, i miss the way she whipped my tear.
Her voice was sweet like a Humming Bird, a voice so pure like i never herd.
Her eyes were delightful like a fairy scene, so pretty so charming so lightly green.
She looks so beautiful as an eye can see,

Comments & reviews · 2
User avatar
Crimsona
Review
Crimsona wrote a review Review · Aug 29, 2010

I really like what you have done with this poem so far. But if you would like some critique, here it is;

I miss you

I love my wife so much so dear, i miss the way she whipped my tear.

I like the simpleness of the first three words.
i, should be switched to I, and you may want to change whipped, to wiped.
Her voice was sweet like a Humming Bird, a voice so pure like i never herd.

I think that this is my favourite line, I love how you compare the wife's voice to a Humming Bird, however, you may need to change the i to I. And herd, to heard.
Although I do have some issue with the 'like I never heard', this is because the line sounds slightly awkward. Maybe you could change it to 'A voice so pure like I've never heard'. Apart from that, it's brilliant!
Her eyes were delightful like a fairy scene, Her eyes were delightful like a fairy scene, so pretty so charming so lightly green.

This line confused me slightly. It might be because it's 1am, or just because I'm not very experienced in reading poetry. Also you may want to add comma's here:
Her eyes were delightful like a fairy scene; so pretty, so charming, so lightly green.
I do very much like the part 'so pretty, so charming, so lightly green'. It sounds really fresh and happy.

Overall, I really like this poem, apart from some of the slight grammatical issues. I really do think that you should finish it. I certainly look forward to reading the finished item if you do. :)

Random avatar
kabbaj Comment
kabbaj commented Comment · Aug 28, 2010

I didn't know whether to finish it or not .... i don't know if am going on the right way?



I didn't want to slow time, I just wanted to make a little rock.
— MomoMajesty's brother