Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for language and violence.
I liked my life. Everything was the way it should've been.My mom and my dad were happy and healthy,and my older sister was going off to college to become a veterinarian. I was doing well in my junior year of high school, and my younger brother had just entered middle school and was doing just as good as I was. My life was normal, scheduled to the last minute like things are supposed to be. I never did spontaneous, because not thinking something through just wasn't comfortable for me. I liked things planned out, on time, and when they were supposed to happen they happened. It was how my whole life had gone.
Normal day after normal day I would get up around 6:30, I got dressed for school and I never took a day off from my routine. I was always dressed and prepared for the upcoming events. Everyone liked to be punctual in my family, to be on time and ready for things early. Nothing was ever just done on a whim and I liked it that way.
I miss normal now. Because normal went downhill fast, deadly fast. My parent's and my brother's death,as well my older sister's abandonment is what destroyed everything in my life.
She left me with that monster. That stupid, evil thing some may call a human being. He took everything from me. He stole all the normal out of my life, ruining the things I loved without so much as a thought for me...or my family.
He tore my happiness apart like he tore apart my parent's bodies.
Oh,God....the memories are going to slaughter me.
~
My day had started completely normal. I got up, showered, and got dressed all on time.I cleaned up my room and was going downstairs to my moms calling of my name for breakfast. As I walked down the stairs I went through my checklist in my mind; was homework was done? Yes. Were my bags packed? Yes. I just had to finish my breakfast before I walked to school. That was my daily routine. I would have a good day at school, because I always had a plan,and I refused to let be ruined.I would come home at the end of the day, do my homework, have dinner with my family, and finish with a good work-out before taking a shower and going to sleep. That was the usual weekday I always followed.
I had finished my breakfast for the day,before standing and giving my mother and father a kiss on the cheek. Then I waited at the foot of the stairs for my brother. He hadn't gotten into the habit of organization yet, but he never slowed me down. I smiled as I heard footsteps and lifted my eyes to a nightmarish sight.
My brother was stumbling down the stairs, clutching at the gaping wound on his throat, which was deep enough to the point of his head falling right off his neck. I screamed, dropping my stuff and bolting up the stairs, but something hit me extremely hard, knocking the wind out of me and tossing me clean off the top steps and to the ground. My head hit the banister and then whipped back and cracked against the floor. The sound of skull hitting oak was sickening to my stomach but I was just... shocked. I couldn't really feel the pain and couldn't register what was happening around me.
The wet thump of my brother's dying body sounded within reach of me but I couldn't believe it was him at the time, nor could I understand that the warm wetness that was crawling up my arm was a growing pool of blood, the source was the spurting jugular vein of my brother. My head rolled to the side as my body was nudged from the back, as if to see if I was still alive. I blinked slowly as a black shadow moved across my vision. I tried inching forward, like a little worm, feeling a nail in the wood floor tugging at my blouse. An annoyed noise moved from my throat but I head another scream emanate from the kitchen. My mothers voice was shrill and completely hysterical. At the time of the attack, I couldn't understand why she was being hysterical. My brain was like mush in my skull, but I know it was because she was begging for her life, her husbands life and her babies lives.
Another wet thump sounded, and those got lighter and lighter, I counted about 5. My mother went to run out of the kitchen, but her hair was grabbed. Something planted against her back,pushing her torso forward. Then her arm was missing, too fast for my to accurately register at that moment. I heard the same damp thud of something hitting the floor, and another as her other arm was torn away from her body. I flinched, hearing her shrill, agonized screams very suddenly, as if someone had pulled cotton out of my ears. She was begging for something, I know now it was for her life, but at the time I couldn't understand anything in those shrill shrieks.
I was just a helpless bystander right then and there, watching my mother be stripped of her arms, legs and, finally, her head. He had her braced between his thighs, her torso bleeding, and I think she was already dead, but he wasn't done.He twisted her head, around and around, until it finally tore off. I was crying, and I only know I was because my vision was getting blurrier and blurrier as the murder of my entire family unfolded right in front of me.
The shadow stood up, making his way towards me and throwing me over his shoulder. I was carried past my brother, and I felt an uncomfortable sound rising in my chest at the sight of his head basically off his body. My entire upper body was swaying through the kitchen, but that didn't stop me from sobbing at the sight of my dismembered parents, sprawled across the kitchen floor in bits and pieces.
I blacked out as he carried me out the door.
~
When I had finally woken up, I was really confused because I had no idea how long I'd been asleep or where I was. The room was pretty plain at the time, except for the drain sitting in the center of the floor, chains strapped around my wrists and ankles, and the sprinklers in the ceiling. I groaned, sitting up and finally looking at my brand-new accessories. I frowned as I surveyed the room around me, the chill of the concrete sinking through my clothes. I was in my same school clothes; a pair of jeans, a plain t-shirt, and my converse. I shook my hair out my face, my mind an aching blur of colors and sounds. It took a moment of try to remember something other than my name, but instead that day flooded back.. Tears immediately began to well up, a sob breaking out of my throat as I tried to look around me.
The problem was the tears were in my way, blurring my vision and only making my anger spike from the frustration of not being able to tell one thing from another. The room was a whole blur of watery gray as the tears began to fall down my face. I was watching the scene all over again, replaying in my mind except much clearer since I was in my right mind now. I bit my lip, holding back a sob and trying not to break down. My little, 10 year old brother, dead and just completely drained off all his life. He was a pale corpse now, with a gaping wound in his neck sitting on a cold table in a morgue as a mortician worked on repairing him so everyone could see him before he was buried in the ground.
The same mortician who would sew my parents back together before draining their bodies only to fill them with formaldehyde so they would last longer. Not long enough for me to attend their funeral though. The very thought made my heart get torn into little pieces... just like my parents.
I felt my throat start to burn, before it took me the second to realize I was screaming, my cries of pure agonies rocking me to my core. I thrashed against the stupid chains till my wrists were rubbed raw and bleeding lightly, staining the steel and my knees were all cut up from the harsh concrete floor. I collapsed against the wall, folding in as much as I possibly could.
"Mama.....Daddy......Alex....ALEX!" I screamed. My brother and I had always been so close. Now I wouldn't even be able to say bye to him one last time. I was listening to my mother be ripped to shreds and hearing the disgusting thumps of body parts hitting the floor as if it was happening all over again even though I wasn't in that day or that time.
My stomach turned and I vomited, curling over and spewing disgusting bile on the floor in front of me. I turned away, crying out and wishing I had a toothbrush.
An exhausted chuckle escaped me, because that was the thing I wanted so badly. Just a tooth brush and a nice shower. I was either out a very long time or sweating or something, because my hair was hanging down from my scalp in strings and my clothes stank and clung to me. I scooted away from that disgusting pile, panting and shivering. Tears made their little races down my face again, one after the other again and again.
A loud, sharp creaking noise drew my attention right, watching a bright light go from a slit to a wide, gaping hole very quickly. The door was well hidden and clearly extremely heavy. A large man, dressed in all black and very thick with muscles, was pushing the door open with one arm, before he stepped inside.
"Cecila. Welcome, to the gates of Hell."Those simple words in a very deep voice made my heart tremble with terror. I could feel my teeth start to chatter. I was terrified, all by the sound of his voice and the fact I couldn't see him. He hadn't stepped from the silhouette of a door in the corner of the room and was simply a thick, tall figure framed by dim light.
It wasn't even the first circle yet.
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Im screaming. Im going to have nightmares. This is amazingly well written. I love it! <3 Im still screaming because it actually freaked me out. The descriptions were so well written i actually had to stop reading for a moment because the picture that was painted in my mind was vivid. I couldnt imagine seeing anything like it before. This freaks me out and I am not scared easily xD. You have an amazing talent
Keep writting.
~Sam
Hey, ka67. Happy Review Day from the Wicked Squids! May the best team win! I figured I'd knock your work out of the green room for ya.
In the second paragraph first sentence (in italics) I feel like you use the word 'day' very excessively. I think that there is a better way to rearrange that sentence so it doesn't have to say it over and over again.
When I continue reading, the first paragraph sort of sounds like you're sitting down with someone over coffee and telling someone a story. Granted, this is a story but I think that you could have had a little bit of dialog between characters to tell the story or actions that were a little more descriptive. You also tend to use the word because as a connector piece for sentences. Sometimes this word can be useful but there are also other ways to write the sentence or connect it. This word can become overused very quickly and make the story something that could be amazing to something that is very generic.
In the italics section previously, you say your brother disappeared but then you go on to say that he died.
In all, I think that you have a very good potential with this story. I'm writing something sort of similar and I think that things like this involve a lot of planning, as do many stories. I'm in no way saying you didn't plan out the story but I think that you can go through and edit what you have and everything will flow a lot better. Some scenes really needed more detail and some scenes need to be re-written because they're a little confusing, such as the fact that your brother disappeared but he died after that.
However, I'm looking forward to seeing this story grow. I'm curious to see if maybe this girl died and she is in hell or if she has been kidnapped by someone who is literally insane. I'm intrigued and I can't wait to read more. Thank you for sharing and once again, may the best team win!
Hiya, darling! It's Zly here, offering up one of those review things!
Friendly reminder that anything I say is only to help you grow and advance as a writer, and to never get discouraged at my nitpicking! I want you to be the very best you can be!
Haven't finished the work yet, but I started seeing some grammatical nitpicky things, so I decided to review as I go! Red and bolded is any changes I have within quotes (please make sure to look extra hard, as some can just be commas or quotation marks!). The layout will probably be:
I. Grammatical Issues
a. Punctuation
b. Word play
II. Comments
a. Praises
b. Tips
III. Overall Assessment
Here we go!
Also, quick note! MC = main character, as for the majority of this work, we don't know her name.
I.
a.
I also suggest taking out "of me" from the end of this sentence. Totally personal, however.
Wow, this is such a chilling statement. I like it.
I really like this one as well. Good job digging into what your character feels.
So realistic. Really nice visual here.
That's heavy, man.
Wow, this is really brutal. Good job.
b.
There's a lot of "days" in this sentence. I suggest taking out "that day", but really, it's all your own choice!
I know it's probably what you were aiming for, but there's a lot of repetition here. I bolded all of the repetitions (expect for the "normal day after normal day" section, as it was quite good there).
Also... "It was never questioned there"? I'm not sure what you're going for.
I think you mean "deadly fast". :]
"That dumb, stupid" is pretty repetitious. Also, dumb is what you call a middle school friend you don't like -- not an evil creature. It just doesn't seem to fit. I love most of this paragraph so much. "He took all the normal out of my life"? Gosh, that sounds awesome! Such a great line. But I can see some edits that would give it more... power.
For example -- That stupid, evil thing that we somehow call... a human being. He took everything from me. He took all the normal out of my life, and he ruined everything about living that I enjoyed. Obviously, your story, your work, your idea! But I think being less specific and wordy really gives it extra power.
It sounds a bit weird, because you used "off" earlier to mean something that was wrong? So I suggest just taking "off" completely... haha... off. (Also, please put a space after your ellipses. :])
This reads weird, as you reiterate that everything was "on time" at the end. If you were to take out "I showered, I got dressed, I cleaned", your sentence would read, "I got up on time, all on time." Remember that your final "all on time" applies to the first one as well, because of your use of "all". Suggest changing it to: I got up, I showered, I got dressed, and I cleaned up, all on time.
This statement also reads weird. Suggest rewrite to: My mother called me for my typical breakfast of eggs and toast, and so I was going downstairs. or something.
I'm kind of confused by this statement. It was confusing on a first readthrough. Perhaps try... I would do well at school, because the day I refused to let the day I'd planned out be ruined. I still don't know what would 'ruin' a school day in your character's mind, however. Perhaps they mean 'altered'? Or 'changed'?
So when I first read this, I didn't realize it was his neck until the very last sentence. Perhaps put more imagery into where exactly this was happening? My brother was stumbling down the stairs, hands around the neck that was bleeding profusely.. etc.?
Suggest rewrite of the final line to , knocking the wind out of me and throwing me clean off the top steps and to the ground.
I really like the idea of this paragraph -- a lot, actually -- but MC couldn't "realize it was him"? I mean... it's him. She knows it's him. But she, perhaps, couldn't believe it was him. Or understand. Realize, however, sounds... off.
The italic portion doesn't make sense to me. MC closed her eyes and opened them? Suggest rewrite.
Also, you used 'pull' twice here. If you ever can't think of alternate words to what you're using, http://www.thesaurus.com/ would love to help!
One can't watch a scream, they can only hear it.
I think you're looking for "not like her to be so hysterical". Nothing doesn't make sense.
But really, that statement doesn't make sense? I mean, obviously she's going to be hysterical. MC and her little brother are being murdered only a few feet away, there's nothing "odd" about freaking out as you watch your kids die.
Just want to let you know that I really am loving your description and the words you use for sound, so keep it up!
Hehe. I think you mean 'thump'.
The loudest out of what? Were other people screaming? Were there a lot of other noises going on? Also, if MC can make out her mother being murdered from her position, can she make out who is doing it?
Suggest rewrite to: and I only know I was because my vision for more drama. :]
Also, "the seconds passed by of me watching this horrible scene" sounds... weird? Try The seconds passed of me observing the horrible scene unfold or something.
Technically, they were lying there, not sitting there, but... I really only commented on this section to say how much I loved this paragraph.
Suggest rewrite to: and I didn't know what time it was when I woke up. :]
Small edit here -- suggest taking out 'the' in 'the chains'.
This statement sounded odd and stiff. Try maybe... hmmm... I shook my hair out of my face, trying to recall what had happened, but in my attempts to remember, that day flooded back.
I just really like this section okay.
ALSO I SCREAMED UPON READING THAT HE WAS ONLY TEN LIKE??? WHAT? NO. THAT ISN'T ALLOWED. (I mean that I'm really, really enjoying this.)
Nope. Nothing's wrong with this. This is just really nice. I'm really enjoying this.
I suggest a rewrite to: I screamed. My little brother and I had always been so close. I wouldn't be able to say goodbye to him one last time.
Wait, was she actually watching her mother get torn apart again, or was she just imagining it? Try to put it in that it was only in her mind's eye.
II.
a.
Praising time! First of all, you're good at writing horror, which is great, because it seems like you are writing horror here. You're great at really setting a scene and getting a reader into the right frame of mind to read everything. I really liked a lot of similes and metaphors in your work, especially how the only thing she wanted was a toothbrush, though most of her life had been stripped away. That was great and something I don't think many writers would think of.
b.
You often get into the habit of reusing words you've used recently. As a rule of thumb, I try not to use any adjective or noun that I've already used in the same paragraph. Your description is also very exclusive on exactly what the horror is, and doesn't broaden to other things. I don't know what MC's house or family looks like. I'd like to know, now that they're dead.
III.
You're a great writer with a great idea, and with a few grammatical tweaks, I think this could really be something special! Please keep writing, and keep your mind on this idea. I'd love to see where it goes next!
Hello! It's been a while since you commented on this, but I've begun to get a drive to continue this story, and I started by tweaking around this part first. If you'd like, the next part is out (And really long...oops. XD)
Check it out maybe?