Published April 26, 2009
H O T E L
by Kisba
night roads:
i came to see stars,
but i'm in the light of streetlamps.
walking home, home is my
home away from homeless
heartless.
i'll love before i live.
walking home, each house a story:
nothing is ever faceless.
Once, we walked on the same road.
You remembered.
But
You don't look like you did
like you did yesterday.
my home,
home away from homeless:
coming to my room,
lights are off, air is never moist enough.
let me sit outside, when it's colder here.
i want nothing, and nothing to do with you.
if i want...
faceless, cardboard, perishable, Praised.
confronting the bathroom,
a mirror in the dark.... somewhere.
it says to me
you never really fit.
and if you do,
it is because they changed...
i will always
hate you.
i'm built to last, not to want.
not to want to last.
can i help you?
i don't need a hero.
Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
139,468 Literary Works • 672,573 Reviews
I really like this. I agree with Evi, though, that I have mixed opinions about the unique structure and circular language. I love the way it sounds and feels when you say it (yes, I am one of those geeks who reads poetry out loud to herself), but it also is a little grating. I'm not sure if your talking about a building or a person, but I love the effect.
My favorite line was by far the last two:
can i help you?
i don't need a hero.
The whole poem is very good, but those two lines just embody it, I guess. I don't have much in the way of suggestion except to say that you should try to refine this style and also (again, as Evi said) don't lapse into a lesser poem of teen angst.
Hey Kisba! You know, your poetry always greatly entertains me, because I have such split opinions about it. Half of me absolutely adores it and loves the lack of capitalization and the strange structure, while the other, more logical side of me wants to point out all of these inconsistencies and ellipses and weird capitalization. ^^ But, I think my love for this will outweigh the logical part of me.
There is only one part I didn't like:
I thought the repetition was brilliantly and subtley placed everywhere else, and I absolutely adored the way you tied each stanza together through this repetition, but I'm afraid these two lines' repetition is off-balance. Something about repeating the same thing twice, right next to each other, makes the effect very diffirent from repaeting the same thing with seven lines in between. So? In short, I say to kill this repetition here!
Other than that, I'm afrad I have nothing constructive to tell you except that you should keep going. This poem was a bit sporatic in places; especially with as vague a title as 'Hotel'. Most of the time I could figure out where everything tied in with the title, and I was okay with the ambiguity, but here I didn't see the connection between hotels and mirror.
I like the first two and the last two lines in this stanza, but the lines in the middle don't really remain consistant with the lost/home, wandering theme you have going. It lapses back into that angsty teen "I don't belong anywhere" kind of depression, and I think this poem is above such cliches.
Good luck, love, and PM me if you need anything! ^^
~Evi