Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for mature content.
Manipulation
Misleading information
Couldn’t find love so I started drinking
Everyday needs a new box of tissues
For all my mommy issues
Interruption
Thoughts under construction
Couldn’t think so I started bleeding
Wondering why I never seemed to care
Now its all there
Just barging in
She’s a man of tin
Couldn’t find peace so now I’m leaving
I know she’ll miss me when I go
Should I go
Friend shaming
Victim playing
Couldn’t find stability so now I’m fleeing
Can’t pass these traits down to other
Or they will smother
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141,696 Literary Works • 675,576 Reviews
An interesting poem and one that portrays a fairly unhappy person in great detail. You definitely are able to convey an emotion through your poems which is an important part of the art form. As has been stated already, the ending line doesn't really do it justice. It feels like the conversation has been cut off before we've said our goodbyes, which only slightly sours my experience reading your work. Overall, a solid work and one to be proud of! You've got the word use skills and it shows!
Heya
I love love love the lyricism of this poem. I think the language is absolutely gorgeous, and you have a great flow from line to line and stanza to stanza. The images you evoke are evocative and deeply emotional. I also really like the title, I think it adds an interesting layer to this poem, and it causes the reader to look at this through a bit of a different lens. In terms of feedback, I think your final line could be a bit stronger. You have such great emotional language and all this amazing symbolism throughout the rest of the poem, and even though this is continued in the final line, I feel like I expected a little bit more, something of a climax. As is, it's good but a bit underwhelming. Additionally (and this is more of a personal opinion than anything else), I think that you could expand this tin man illusion to be more encompassing. It's such a compelling image, and I really feel that you could do a lot more with it. All this being said, I really enjoyed this poem and thought it was lyrically brilliant, so good job!
-Gravity
Hey
Wow, I really enjoyed reading your poem. It was very emotional and interesting to read. I found the title "Tin Man" to also be cool too, it definitely caught my eye.
You wrote this where it was a bunch of problems that seemed to build up. It was almost chaotic which I like how you went from one thought to the next.
The only thing I would really say is to maybe write another sentence as a closer. I think maybe ending it on something other than "or they will smother" will really end it. Of course, this is just my opinion so don't feel pressured in any sort of way.
Overall, great poem. I hope you right more in the future!
Signed,
Pineapple
Thank you so much and yes I kind of agree on the last line