Written By Justin Kalaveras and Julie Thomas
5/1/14
(Mr. Homoh walks out stage there is a sign saying singles club)
(Mr. Homoh walks up to sign in table)
Sign In Lady: Name? And age? (She asked in a grumpy voice)
Mr. Homoh: Homoh. And thirty five.
Sign In Lady: Really? Homoh?
Mr. Homoh: Yes?
Sign In Lady: Ok (She says sarcastically) (Writes down Homoh on a nametag and puts it on Mr. Homoh’s chest)
Mr. Homoh: (Mr. Homoh walks around looking for someone to talk to) (Lady #1 walks up to him)
Lady #1: Hi (Looks down at name tag) Oh um, sorry I didn’t know. (Lady #1 walks away)
Mr. Homoh: Didn’t know what? (Looking confused)
Mr. Homoh: (Walks over to Lady #2 at the bar) Hello. (Lady #2 looks at the name tag and immediately walks away with a look of disgust on her face.)
Mr. Homoh: (Sighs) I don’t know what I’m doing wrong…. Is it my breath? (Smells breath with hand, then armpits) (Sighs again, then grabs drink off bar table and drinks)
Megan: (Megan looks over at Mr. Homoh and then his name tag, smiles and walks over to him) (Shakes his hand) You are a very brave man, my cousins gay.
Mr. Homoh: Oh thats nice, I’m happy too all the time. You know in life we should all just be ourselves and be happy with who we are.
Megan: Thats what I tell my cousin. You know I don’t know how many men here are gay, but I’m glad you’re happy with yourself. By the way my name is Megan.
Mr. Homoh: Oh well everyone should just be happy, you know what I mean Megan? Just be gay.
Megan: Well, unfortunately not everyone is gay.
Mr. Homoh: Yeah we all have bad days. I guess today is mine.
Megan: Why you say that?
Mr. Homoh: No matter who I talk to they just walk away, I don’t know why.
Megan: Mhm? I know you just need perfume. (Goes in purse and get perfume bottle)
Mr. Homoh: Perfume? (Megan sprays him all over)
(Coughs) What the heck!?
Megan: You’re a really great guy, if you weren't gay i would pick you up myself. (Walks away)
Mr. Homoh: So me being happy is a turn off?? (Confused)
Christy: (Christy walks over to Mr. Homoh, shakes his hand) Hi I’m Christy.
Mr. Homoh: (Smile on his face) I’m Homoh.
Christy: Oh… I’m so sorry. Here let me get my friend Orlando. Wait here.
(Christy comes back with Orlando)
Orlando: Hi I’m Orlando. I just moved here from Detroit, because I wasn't accepted for being gay there.
Mr. Homoh: What is with people now days, and being against other peoples happiness.
Orland: Oh my gosh, right? Would you like to sit with me at that table over there?
Mr. Homoh: Sure, why not. (They sit at a table) (Sighs)
Orlando: What's wrong?
Mr. Homoh: Its just no one has liked me tonight, I don’t know what I’m doing wrong.
Orlando: You just need to be yourself.
Mr. Homoh: You know what, you’re right. More people need to come out of the closet and just be who they really are.
Orlando: Exactly! Thats exactly how I feel. People are afraid to just be themselves, well not me, I just came out of the closet two months ago. And I went up to my dad and said you know what, I’m gay dad, and if you can't except that then I will move out of your life.
Mr. Homoh: Your dad should just let you be happy.
Orlando: Right?
Mr. Homoh: Oh, I’ve never introduced myself. I’m Homoh.
Orlando: Me too!
Mr. Homoh: Wait, I thought you were Orlando?
Orlando: Oh I am. Anyway would you like to go see a movie with me tomorrow?
Mr. Homoh: Sure, I never get to go out with friends.
Orlando:(Sighs happily with a in love look on his face) I think I’ve found my soulmate.
Mr. Homoh: Oh really? Who?
Orlando: Leans in across table closer to Mr. Homoh, looks deeply in his eyes) Yup… I’ve found him.
(Black Out)
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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125,005 Literary Works • 672,805 Reviews
That was a very funny play but i was confused about the time. The term gay has meant homosexual for a long time. Otherwise the plot was hilarious! I assumed he would figure out what was going on and completely freak out but this ending was probably even better. If you plan on making a second one you should include a little background information about Mr. Homoh. Yes, the gay voice thing was a little insensitive (comment made by Kylesucka) but i believe you should make the decision to take it out based on your fan base. I thought it was hilarious but I'm not gay so my opinion on that really doesn't matter. Great story!
It was really cleverly written, there are just some things that will help it come together better.
1) Give every character a name, it will help the actors feel more confident and will look better if the women had names on their name tags.
2) Take out "Speaking the entire time in a gay voice", it sound insensitive and rude.
That's really all I can think of without seeing it read in front of me, but I did like it and think you did well.
This is clearly wordplay! Grammatical and punctuational errors aside; this was a fun read!
Poor Mr. Homoh and it ended just when one expects him to realize it already!
Well done. Enjoyed it.
Protip: remove the full names from this. You don't understand how easily someone can track you down with just your first and last name.
Anyways. Exiting mod mode and entering review mode. Onto the review.
Comma splice.
Instead of this, try >> Lady #2 looks at the name tag and immediately walks away with a look of disgust on her face.
Comma splice. Also, cousins should be cousin's*
Comma splice.
That's*
So I'm not sure how I feel about this? But first, let me summarize the nitpicks:
1. You have a lot of comma splices. Read this to find out what they are and how to avoid them.
2. You also have a lot of contractions that are missing apostrophes. Read this to find out what they are and edit your script to fix them.
Okay, so for the script itself, I'm not sure how I feel about it. Clearly it's meant to be humorous and silly, but I feel that this might backfire and wind up insulting gay people? Not this scene, perhaps, but the next ones. I don't know. I just suggest you be wary of that.
I also felt like some things were a bit cheesy? Like how old is Homoh? No one uses the term "gay" as another word for happiness anymore, since it's more commonly used for people who like the same sex. So this makes me think Homoh is an elderly man from the, what, 1960s? Whenever they used to use gay commonly? Clearly you don't mean for Homoh to an old man, so try and establish his age somewhere.
Also, scripts are tricky to write. It's impossible to use imagery in one, as it's meant to be acted out on a stage, not read. Same with emotions or actions; most scripts have it say (enter) or (exeunt), back in the Shakespeare days, and now they say things like (walks on stage) (laughs) etc. You're getting a bit detailed with your actions, so make sure you make them brief and never a sentence long. They're meant to be glanced at and then performed by the actor/actress.
But you do have a nice idea here, and I'm surprised to see that Homoh is a real name. I'd like to see more and how/when Homoh finally understands why people are laughing at him. The fact that he doesn't see the similarities between his name and homo(sexual) make me think that he might be a bit of a dim light, you know what I mean? I'd love to see more, so do let me know when the act whatever is out. ^^
Hope this helps.
~Iggy
well it is humorous man .
I dont know how you guys come up with such ideas.
the situation you created with a simple name is really cool.
but you both should have laid more stress on Mr Homoh's dialogues.as for your mistakes.
the third dialogue
"Sign In Lady: Name? (She {SAYS} in a grumpy voice)"
it should be asked.
otherwise it's a thumbs up.
It was really cleverly written, there are just some things that will help it come together better.
1) Give every character a name, it will help the actors feel more confident and will look better if the women had names on their name tags.
2) Take out "Speaking the entire time in a gay voice", it sound insensitive and rude.
That's really all I can think of without see if=t read in front of me, but I did like it and think you did well.