Young Writers Society

Home » Literary works » Poetry » Other


Dear Percilla

by justadreamer


The night is young dear Percilla.
Don't waste time on foolish things.
Worldly love means nothing.
Your smile hypnotizes even the most horrific creature.
Your eyes...they twinkle like the
northern star.
So why sparkle for worldly possesions?
My love for you is a milliom
times the brighter sun. If not more.
Dear Percilla, a fellow is thrice
less the lad am I.
When is your awakening?
When will you realize?
You blind the stars, yet you still
seem to have no respect for yourself.
Return home, dear Percilla, only to
find a lesser man than I.
A summer's time was a lifetime for me.
The courting at home may be grand,
with a promise of rich treasures.
But no man will love you greater than I. What is love if not true?
They only want you for your beauty,
dear Percilla,
but I of your soul.
How wordly possesions blind you so!
The lads back at home,
dear Percilla,
promise you treaure.
But I, dear Percilla,
can only promise you my love.
_____________________________________________________

That was my first post. I'm not sure what to think of it. Let me know what you think be honest! I really want to hear your opinions! -Samantha


Note: You are not logged in, but you can still leave a comment or review. Before it shows up, a moderator will need to approve your comment (this is only a safeguard against spambots). Leave your email if you would like to be notified when your message is approved.







Is this a review?


  

Comments



User avatar
201 Reviews


Points: 14181
Reviews: 201

Donate
Wed Aug 05, 2020 4:54 pm
LittleLee wrote a review...



Hey dreamer, I'm Lee and here to review your poem!

Wow. Just wow. For some reason, I was reminded of Robert Browning while reading this; maybe it's the dramatic monologue, or the theme of "true" love? I don't know. But you did a really good job, and I'm duly impressed.

The night is young dear Percilla.

How about a comma after "young?"

Your eyes...they twinkle like the
northern star.

I'd suggest rewriting this to, "Your eyes twinkle like silvery stars."

My love for you is a milliom
times the brighter sun. If not more.

*million*
I'm sorry, what? Did you mean, "A million times brighter than the sun?"
I'm going to assume you did.

Replace the fullstop after "sun" with a comma.

When is your awakening?
When will you realize?
You blind the stars, yet you still
seem to have no respect for yourself.
Return home, dear Percilla, only to
find a lesser man than I.

Ooh, very nice. Well-worded and pleasant to read.

But no man will love you greater than I. What is love if not true?

Put the second sentence on its own line.

but I of your soul.

I don't think the "of" is necessary here.

The lads back at home,
dear Percilla,
promise you treaure.

*treasure*
So I assume the narrator and Percilla are elsewhere?


That's all. Like I mentioned before, this poem is pretty good, and I'm surprised to see it doesn't have as many likes as it should. (Ooh, that rhymed.) For your first poem, you've exceeded expectations!

I hope you're still writing, wherever you are. Good luck!
- Lee




User avatar
253 Reviews


Points: 890
Reviews: 253

Donate
Mon Apr 21, 2008 9:17 pm
CK Lynn says...



Hmmm. It was nice, but a little to flowers-and-perfume-y. None of it seemed very tangible. I don't think any guy, historical or not, would actually say this.




User avatar
176 Reviews


Points: 890
Reviews: 176

Donate
Wed Dec 08, 2004 5:27 pm
Muse wrote a review...



justadreamer wrote:Your eyes...they twinkle like the
northern star


I really like this line, but, you shouldn't use the "...." You should just make it a new line. In my opinion, It would look more fitting.
Nice idea, good word choice.

Really good for a first attempt, well done! :D :)




User avatar
665 Reviews


Points: 6165
Reviews: 665

Donate
Wed Dec 08, 2004 4:00 am
Chevy wrote a review...



this was a good poem but after the

but I of your soul.
,

i kind of lost interest. other than that, the beginning was interesting and i love the way that sound as though you were speaking to someone your mind...that was wicked (good wicked).





It's Monday and you folks are beginning to wonder about the show, aren't you
— David Letterman