Almost June: Chapter 2

     “I don't need new clothes,” I interrupt, fingering the soft fabric of Dad's shirt. A thought floats into my mind- when he gets out of the hospital, he won't know where I am. He won't know where his clothes are, either.

     I have three more shirts like this- the one I'm wearing is gray, and then I have dark brown, black, and dark blue, along with two T-shirts (white) and a plaid button-down. Three pairs of jeans, along with some socks, underwear, and ratty pajamas that were all from a donations bin at the foster care agency.

     “June-” Grace starts to say something, but Sarah interrupts her.

     “We'll do whatever you're comfortable with, June."

     Grace purses her lips, sighing. “Can we see her room, now?"

     “It's this door, right here."

     My room is smaller than my old one, but good-sized. There is a bookshelf, a small desk, a dresser, a hamper, and a metal bed. The covers are dark blue, and when I sit down my brain decides that I'm sinking into water. I jump up. My skin is crawling, but I ignore it. The closet is empty, except for a rectangular black case that's probably holding an instrument, and a few paintings.

     “Thank you."

     “I'll get your suitcase for you,” Sarah says.

     I wince- that suitcase is the most important thing in the world to me- but let it go, turning to the window. The view is warped with the rain, but I can see far. The ocean. And the river, right where it goes into the ocean. The bar. My heart lurches in my chest and my ears fill with noise and my breath turns shallow. I look away and dig my nails into my palms until the feeling is gone.

     When I look around again, the door is closed, and Sarah and Grace are talking. The crack between the carpet and the door is huge, maybe two inches. I kneel on the floor and put my ear to it.

     “She's a good kid, just really quiet. Before…well, from what I've gotten out of her, she was kind of the…rock? of the family. Her dad was a Vietnam veteran, Purple Heart. Alcoholic. Bipolar disorder. I think a little while with another girl would do her a lot of good, even if it won't be permanent."

I swear Sarah starts to say “Well…” but Grace interrupts her.

     “She never really got to have friends at school, or a good childhood, and since she had so many things to take care of at home, she never got to know what she liked. If she could figure out who she was, she'd be a lot better off."

     I frown, but I hear Grace move towards the door and jump back on the bed. The water covers threaten to pull me down, but I stay sitting.

“June, I have to go now."

I stand up, suddenly weak and sad. I don't want her to go.

     She pulls me into a hug. I stiffen and keep my arms straight against my sides. Grace is safe, but I don't like this. I hate this, I hate this.

She smooths my hair and then holds me at arm's length.

“You're going to be fine, okay?"

I stare at the ground and nod. She squeezes my arm, and then she's gone.

“Are you okay?" Sarah asks. She's standing in the doorway.

I nod. Breathe.

“Do you need any help unpacking?"

“No. I don't have much."

“If you want to, we can go shopping tomorrow."

     I shake my head.

     “We don't have to, though. Those shirts look very soft."

     I relax. “Yeah."

     “Grace is a good person, but I'm not going to make you wear any clothes you don't want to, okay? Just promise me that if you need any, you'll ask."

     “Okay."

     “Well, do you want a tour of the apartment building? Go on a walk? Have some food? Go to the beach? I have a clear schedule the rest of the weekend."

     I shrug.

     “Okay. Tour it is."

     Sarah takes me down the hallway, telling me the names of people she knows. There's Mr. Jim and Mrs. Rachel on our left, an old married couple who have lots of cats and watch the news all day. On the other side are Leon and Mark, two best friends who used to be in a band together. No kids anywhere.

     On the bottom floor there's an exercise room. Lots of treadmills, not much else.

     “There's a pool, too. We can get you a swimsuit and go, whenever you want to, if you're a swimsuit kind of girl. If not you can just go in your clothes. It's nice and warm. Since a lot of people here are old it's mostly empty, and there's a diving board. Does that sound-” She stops, sees my face. I hug my ribs. “Oh, June. I'm so stupid. Of course you don't want to go swimming. I'm so sorry, I'll try to be better. Are you okay?"

     “I'm fine."

     “Are you sure? Do you want a hug or something?"

     I shake my head.

     I try to think of something to say but I can't. Benny's face floats into my mind and I look away and squeeze my eyes tight until he disappears. Like the day at the river, I think.

     I want to beat my fists into the ground and cry and scream until my vocal cords are in shreds. Taking care of him was all that mattered, and I loved him more than anyone else in the universe. I could have gone faster, I could have tried harder, I could have stopped it, I could have saved him.

     I am worthless without Benny.

     I wake up wrapped in a wool blanket on the blue couch. Sarah is next to me, but I have plenty of space. The TV is on, volume low, The Price is Right.

     I barely open my eyes or make noise, but she turns the TV off and looks at me. “I'm so sorry that I said that."

     I stare at the ceiling.

     “It's okay to be not okay."

     “What happened?"

     She takes my hand in both of hers and strokes it with her thumb. I yank it away.

     “You just got upset. Sad. I would be, too."

     I close my eyes.

     “We can talk about something else, if you'd like. Have some dinner. Go out for dinner. Make cookies."

     “I'm not that hungry."

     She nods. “That's okay."

     It feels like she sees right inside me. Like she's seeing me naked.

     “How does school sound to you?" she asks.

     I shrug. I'm invisible at school, and I'm good at it. I do my homework mostly, get a few answers wrong on purpose so I stay under the radar. Average. No one ever thinks I'm smart or special. Which is how I like it. Either way, it's better than laying on the couch all day. I have stuff to do at school.

     “There's only a week before winter break. You can wait until afterwards, if you'd like."

     “That's okay. I'll go on Monday."

     “Okay."

     We sit there in silence for maybe an hour. My eyes are closed most of the time. After that, I get up and go to bed.