z

Young Writers Society



A depression : Trying to escape

by jumping_jacks142


She goes and sits in the corner. All alone again. Her knife in her hand. As her hand closes tighter on the handle she slowly moves the blade across her wrists. After every slide she clenches her wrists so the blood flows even more. The blood starts to drip on the concrete floor. The cut starts to get deeper and wider.

Her step dad comes into the garage. She tries to sink deeper into the shadows. But he spots her. And walks over. “So you thought you would get away from me you stupid cunt??” He grabs her by the hair and pulls her up. He rips off her shirt and works down her pants. She tries to get away but he grabs a hold of her wrists and pins her to the wall. She starts to cry. He puts her wrists together into one of his hands and holds her mouth with the other. He pushes his body up against hers. Squishing her into the wall. She looks at him with tears in her eyes. He doesn’t care if he hurts her.

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514 Reviews

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Thu Aug 02, 2007 5:21 am
JC says...



...reminds me of POD...

Good job though

-JC




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Thu Aug 02, 2007 5:18 am
mikeyr wrote a review...



I think that this really should be a longer piece. I mean sure, flash fiction can be great, but if the reader were more connected to the character, then the story could get really emotional. Right now, it also reads like it is an excerpt from a larger work.




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Tue Jul 31, 2007 7:32 pm
afamiliarsmile says...



This is a very good piece! I think you should at A LOT more detail because it is very short because I like the concept :] Haha, and even thought there is only one line of dialogue, SPACE IT OUT!!




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Tue Jul 31, 2007 2:21 am
Teague wrote a review...



Dun dun duuuuuuun.

Interesting concept. However, this is really short. I mean, I like this, I just think it could be better if you made it longer. Expanded it a bit, allow the reader to get attached to the character before you conclude it. This is a good start. Make it longer, keep going. :)

I also like how it's all in present tense.

A few things I want to point out:

She goes and sits in the corner. All alone again. Her knife in her hand.


Fragments are okay now and again, but not all together like this. Combine these three.

Also, is she trying to commit suicide or just cut herself? Because if she's commiting suicide, she would cut along her wrists, not across. Look at your own wrist, notice the blue vein there? She would have to line the blade up with that, parallel to it, and cut that way, not perpendicular.

Don't ask how I know that. >.<

“So you thought you would get away from me you stupid cunt??”

One question mark. Never use more than one, or the ?!?!?!? bit. That's just bad grammar.

Her step dad comes into the garage.

I believe stepdad is one word, you might want to double check that. Also, this is the first time you mention the setting. It'd be better to mention the garage in the first paragraph, since the garage in the second paragraph might not necessarily be where the character is. See my point?

He pushes his body up against hers. Squishing her into the wall.


Combine these.

-St. Razorblade :elephant:





Poetry comes alive to me through recitation.
— Natalie Merchant