Published March 26, 2011
Stab my heart
and bleed me to death
then use my blood as ink
To write on the walls
All the crimes I have committed
All the pain I have caused
Yet that wouldn't be enough
Because how much I cry
how much I repent
I cannot heal the wounds I made
I cannot wipe the tears unshed
So kill me now and rip my soul
but forgive me once and forever.
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140,597 Literary Works • 673,547 Reviews
The tense transition between line 6 and 7 is a little rough, and I don't like the word repent. Other than that, exellent poem!
i agree with all that emmzziee said.
Your rhythm makes each sentence, each thought fragment, seem more important, more profound and deliberate. I like that about this. true, some of it is cliche, but do we not use cliche because everyone understands it? If i say love is like flying, people would agree, because that is the best way to describe it in thier eyes. Well, you did really good, and the last line was indeed my favorite.
Hey july,
While your beginning wasn't bad, thogh a bit cliché in the images used, the second half of this is completely lost in statements of the obvious without bringing anything of import to the table that would make it better; there's nothing that makes me look twice, that makes me want to come back. It cripples the emotion, because it's being completely obscured by the sort of language we've seen a hundred times before, with nothing new that would twist it around or just make it stand out from the crowd. Try going a bit more in-depth, of making the reader feel more, to form an image that's not tainted by the hundredth repetition of something else.
Hope this helps.
I very much liked this
Unless you were writing in a particular style...?
The structure - I like
The rhythm - I'm not so sure about that... It's best to say poems over and over in your head, until it sounds like all of the lines fit together
But the overall topic and the words you've used are fantastic!
S'my favorite
However, maybe this poem would have sounded better if you'd written fully. For example: instead of "All the crimes I have committed," it would have sounded maturer if you'd put: "All of the crimes I have committed." Small things like that
Well done! Good, mysterious, eye-catching and very me
Kepp on writing and writing - I like your style