PURELY FICTION
(contains mentions of self-harm)
he sits on the last seat of bus
the corner of classroom-unseen
buried in a book, an entire world away
everyone calls him a nerd, glasses and braces.
he's tall and lanky, barely there
he gets straight grades, perfect A's
his mouth is forever pressed in a line
his sleeves are always long,
covered with lies of "I'm fine".
some envy him, his genius mind
but I know some part of him is broken
dying, sucking happiness from his heart
leaving only shadows behind.
he talks about philosophy sometimes
he's quite interesting to just me
my heart just itches to go talk to him
to tell him it's alright
that it's okay
to ache, to break
and to cry.
© juliarosewood
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125,005 Literary Works • 672,794 Reviews
I love this poem! It's so deep and real. For many it's not fiction. It's a real life. That's what makes it special.
"he sits on the last seat of bus
the corner of classroom-unseen"
Tell the reader that the boy is like a wind. Everyone knows he's here but they are just ignoring him. He may be there, he may not. Nobody cares.
"buried in a book, an entire world away
everyone calls him a nerd, glasses and braces.
he's tall and lanky, barely there
he gets straight grades, perfect A's"
From this part the reader may get to know that maybe he's distancing himself for his own pleasure. Maybe he wants to be alone. Maybe it feels better. Maybe a book is better than friends.
"his mouth is always pressed in a line
his sleeves are always long, covering stories and lies of "I'm fine"."
This shows how much of a stress ball he is. Mouth pressed in a line means he's anxious. And the long sleeves.. shows his depression. Leaves the reader thinking "maybe something happened and now he's distant. Maybe he's distant cause he doesn't want to worrh anyone or he's too embarrassed to tell anyone. Maybe shame eats him everytime he tries to reach out."
"Some envy him, his genius mind
but I know some part of him is dying slowly
decaying and sucking happiness out of hearts
leaving only shadows behind."
This is a deep and very meaningful part. People around evny him. They want to be as smart as him. But only narrator know. Only narrator feels. "sucking happiness out of hearts" instead of "heart" shows that the boy's not alone on that. Narrator feels it too.
"he talks about philosophy sometimes
he's quite interesting to just me
my heart just itches to go talk to him
to tell him it's alright
something no one ever told me."
My favourite part. Very meaningful. The narrator really wants to reach out. Want to chat normally. Wants to hear his thoughts. Wants to hear him talk about his interests. But also wants to help him. The narrator sees right through him because the narrator feels the same. Wants to say the worsa no one ever told them. Wants to help cause they never received help themselfs.
Beautiful and very meaningfull poem. I love it!
Thank you for the review...I'm working on a second part for the same poem and your thoughts have helped me so much%uD83D%uDE42%uD83D%uDE04
Omg I'm so glad! I'll happily review the next part too!
Hey there, juliarosewood! This is Alex, dropping by a review on this poem of yours. I see you're new here, so welcome to YWS! Feel free to reach out to me or any other user if you need help getting around the site. I, too, joined just this July so I know how confusing YWS can feel at the beginning. But I promise, you'll soon get used to this place. That being said, let's get this review started.
The title really called out me, as I found it resonating. There's a distant vibe to sit at the corner. It makes me think, does the boy here have no friends to sit in the middle crowd is merely the artistic kind who loves to look out the window? There's a subtle curiosity in the reader's mind to know what his story is, and this is what pulls them into your work instantly.
I liked how you included the warnings in the beginning, it's considerate and mindful to make sure your reader's are comfortable with what they're getting into. So well done!
The poem kicks off with showing us the places he sits- the last seat of the bus and the corner of the class. There's a unified suggestion of feeling distant in both these undesirable spots. The last seat of the bus is more of a gray area as even popular and troublesome kids sit their to enjoy their time in solace. But in several cases, it's also used as a hiding site by the outcasts, away from the middle where the real chattering usually takes place. On the other side, the corner of the class is an obviously isolated place to be, as you're surrounded by your batchmates on just two ends while the wall closes in on the other two.
I like your clever use of the cliches to dig out our prejudices and refresh an old character image we already had. The description is common and the reader is bound to have crossed path with someone befitting it, this giving a face to this narrative. It inevitably makes the piece feel all the more real and alive.
Guilty! The poem makes no effort to make this character stand out from the conventional image the society has of a nerd. All of him is what you'd find in a nerd and there is nothing that a nerd has, but he doesn't. To be precise, he's a walking embodiment of the nerd stereotype.
Well I think I now get why everyone used to ask me if I'm fine all the time, like what do you mean? yes, I'm exhausted from studying but that's about it.
Anyways, I love how you choose to speak in expressions here. The reader is not revealed what is behind the sleeves but he seems to get a good idea of it, from how the long sleeves always cover their arm as if they've got something to hide. The theme of self harm is subtle but undeniable. It fills the reader with a feeling of dread and naturally, empathises with the boy's struggles. I specifically liked how you demonstrate that once the pain takes out happiness from his heart, all that remains there is a shadow of his lost self. He's a mere reflection of what he once was before.
It's surprising to note that despite being mostly unseen, the narrator has taken notice of this boy. To them, he is fascinating and they wish to approach him for a chat. In a sudden acknowledgement, the reader is taken aback. The closing lines really delivered the shock remarkably well. It's vaguely suggested that the narrator understands the plight of the boy so well, as they used to him too. They never heard received assurance and comfort when they were going though it themselves, so they wish to be there for the boy to make sure he doesn't have to go through the things they faced. They wish to be alongside the boy, because no one had supported them and they know what it feels like to go through it alone. They wish to comfort him and break this cursed cycle.
Let's talk suggestions for improvement now .
As for the technical aspect of writing, I think you should edit this line as the following so that it fits the structure of the rest of the poetry better-
his long sleeves covering the lies of "I'm fine'
Also, I think mouth sounds a bit odd in this line. Perhaps you could rewrite it as-
His lips forever pressed in a thin line
Remember, these are my sole opinions of what sounds better. You're free to disagree and stand with your poetic choices if you feel they capture the gist of your work better. The poem is great as it is, you don't need to change a thing if you don't want to. Take me advice only if you think it doesn't compromise your vision and helps you improve.
Overall, a shattering piece revolving a boy who embodies the characters of a typical nerd. He lives a rather isolated life in the corner of the class and the last seat of the bus and is seen by no one except the narrator. He buries his nose in a book to escape reality. Being a nerd , he always gets good grades and even envy him for his genius brain. But what they don't see is the battles he fights alone. The boy resorts to self harm to deal with his inner demons. The pain sucks the happiness from his heart and a part of him decays only to leave behind a shadow. The narrator find him a spitting image of their past self, making them resonate to his pain better than others. They wish to be there for him, to comfort him as no one did them. A simple piece on a serious topic, worded well. A fabulous job for your first piece here! A thought provoking poetry I very much enjoyed reading. Reviewing this for you was a pleasure. Hope to read more from you in the future.
Thank you for reviewing this piece...I wrote this a long time ago...so i didn't notice those overly long lines which could be replaced by shorter and crisper ones...thank you for pointing it out
And about the visual appearance...I know it's the stereotypical description of a nerd...and I'm really sorry for not being creative on that part %uD83D%uDE05...my og inspiration was my friend, who's a topper and straight A's student...typically, at some point, most of my topper friends wear glasses so I just added it...will try to be more creative and observant next time
:)
Nothing wrong with sticking to the classics though, it's a great piece nevertheless!