(contains mentions of self-harm)
one day
I chose the last seat too
sliding into the empty space
before he entered the room.
he paused
surprised to see me there
still he sat in silence
as whispers curled around us.
I said hello
and the silence cracked
for once I didn't just watch
I stayed.
he smiled
that rehearsed
hollow curve
meant to keep the world away.
but I only softened my gaze
because what I felt for this boy
was never pity
but something truer
something more.
we wandered into
those quiet corners
where stray cats prowled
by the dumpsters,
between forgotten shelves
in the library,
beneath stairwells,
and sometimes under stars
it never mattered
where we were
as long as he was there.
he told me of his long–sleeved lies
I told him it was fine–
to break,
to ache,
to cry.
and when I said that
his eyes lit like fragile flames,
as if no one had ever
given him permission to feel.
he still sat in the last seat,
but now I sat beside him.
he still hid in books,
but lifted his eyes to smile
whenever I passed.
and so the boy in the corner,
learned to climb rooftops
to shout his name into the wind
to stand tall and be happy
at last
without the itch to fall.
© juliarosewood
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125,007 Literary Works • 672,815 Reviews
Hello! CATS here for a shot review! Let's get started.
First of all, I loved the part one and I like how you think that everyone should deserve happy endings! I would give him a happy ending too. I’m so glad that the narrator cares about him and sits with him.
The surprise on the boy’s face was really well done and I like how you described is smile and how you didn’t feel pity but something more.
I don’t thunk you need the commas at the end of the lines because a reader would naturally pause. I had struggled with that too lol
How you described that as stray cats and dumpsters was really well done. This poem is soft and full of feeling!
Aww... it’s such a heartwarming feeling that the narrator decides to listen to him vent.
Now he’s happy!
Overall I think this is so pleasant and heartwarming to read
I can’t wait for more!
Happy Reading Happy RevMo and Happy Writing!!!
Love
CATS
Thanks for the review and thank you for sharing your perspective!! It's really a lott to me
No prob!! Love it
Hey, Julia! This is Alex, back to review the second part of a poem you had written earlier. Let's dive right in!
I noticed that you made some changes to the first part, and think it actually sounds much better. It was good before of course, but the flow is just impeccable now. I love how you're growing and improving as a poet!
I like the implied similarity with the first part in the way it begins!
A subtle imagery to sound curling around something is so innovative. I'm impressed you really came up with that! It sounds very poetic and enchanting. Effortless, yet powerful.
A really vivid way to describe breaking of silence, you sure know how to choose your words.
I can almost sense the narrator beaming with pride here. For once, they took action and stepped up to do what they had always wanted to. I do think I could've been phrased differently though, just to enhance the impact it lands. Perhaps something like-
for once I didn't just watch
But sat/stayed with him(, instead)
I think the part in parenthesis is my own preference, clearly optional. I believe sat fits better as the narrator never really approached the boy in the first place, to not stay with (leave) him. She's sitting with him for the first time. Also, but adds a sense of continuity to the previous line, binding the narrative. But you're free to speculate and do what suits your poem better, it's your work afterall!
The intricate details, whoa. I do feel the first lines can be merged for structure, not something major though.
This tour was so very compelling, the scenes are painted astoundingly vivid. This part pulled me in like an enormous inevitable tide. Absolutely stunning work!
MY FAVOURITE LINES!! These were so great for the first part's closing, I'm in awe with their simplicity.
Such an original phrase, I've never heard of anything even remotely similiar. Usually fire is depicted to destroy other things, but for it to be fragile itself is so unthought of.
Okay, I cannot begin to describe how I LOVED this section for its deep meaning. Usually, writers tend to shift the surroundings as the protagonist heals from their trauma. But here, the lead has just become comfortable with where he feels at home. He hasn't picked up different habits, or changed for the sake of getting better- and this says so much. The small gestures to denote his improving condition gave my heart immense peace. It's so very satisfying, this comforting transition. Much more realistic and likeable. He's at a better place in life, and didn't have to abandon his former ways to achieve that- what more could one ask for?
I like the acknowledgement of his self sabotaging tendency before! He contributed to his own despair which he couldn't help, but he's trying to do better by himself. As a reader, I'm very happy for him. I do think the ending didn't meet my sky high expectations after you edited the first part. Who knows though, you might come up with something better for this as well, sometime later.
Overall, a great sequel with an endearing end. It's optimistic, without losing the realism. The slight hints of genuine romance felt so intimate and pure to read. It really shows how even a little nudge can help a struggling person fight off their demons, all they need a little support. Apart from the minor suggestions I mentioned, I don't have any other advices for improvement! Even they don't make such a noticeable difference, so you can overlook them if you wish. A lovely read and an absolute pleasure to review. Hope to read more from you, very soon.
Thank you