'Coven Born' Prologue

chapter one to be posted today or tomorrow revisions to prologue based on slammoths and firestalkers posts, sorry livinginfantasy yours takes more time to go through so ill be going over that this week. in the moonlight -u know too much

what i revised is mostly grammer so for those who have read it no need to read it again, for those who asked the moment chapter 1 part one comes up you will be PMed as asked

once again not including in the moonlight cause if you had read my emails you would have already have read chapter 1 part 1 by now...i think...did i send it to u yet

oh well enjoy!

jules4848 wrote:The prologue ended up being a lot longer then I intended. I did not think it was long enough though to break it into to parts though. Please tell me what you think!!! Enjoy!!!






Prologue:

-Withering Castle-

Breathing softly I did my best to resist the temptation to sneeze. Dust had risen in the air and my allergies were subdued with patience that had come from years of patience. No matter what I did though my allergies sometimes got the better of me. At the moment that was the least of my worries. I love your beginning right here.I had been sent on a mission, but it wasn’t just any mission. This mission was the mission, the very thing I needed to do to qualify for the final stage of the sisterhood.

Currently I was kneeling in a secret passageway known only to those trained by the sisters. Those who were worthy enough to remember the passageways would succeed at the coven.could get far at the coven
I was one of those, but nothing was more important than my mission now. I had been sent to destroy a great evil. An evil so powerful it could mark the end of our world. His name was Xavier. Awesome description.

He had come from a family known for a long line of possessing power. Each generation was more powerful and destructive than the last. I think you should have talked more about his power right now.
Xavier was more mysterious then most past members of his family and he was also the last surviving member. He seemed to keep to himself and not much is known about him. This line just doesn't sound right to me. It needs a bit of rewording. Recently word has gone around about him taking on an apprentice named Darious. That's such a awesome name

But after a mass killing a few years back by an unknown cause many blamed Xavier. Others thought the accusations had angered Xavier because similar cases of slaughter had taken place soon after.

It did not take long before attacks were planned to take down Xavier, but all had fallen at his hands.

That is when the coven, my coven, decided to send me to take him out. For now my orders were for surveillance. It would help me later on when I planned my final attack.

That is why I am kneeling here, inside this old passageway in Withering Castle, Xavier’s Castle. From what I could see, for there was a small whole invisible from the other side, Xavier was talking to Darious.

The room was small and most likely an office or study. There were several shelves placed about the room. Each one was overflowing with books. Some titles like “The Magics From Within” and “The Magical World Around You” were common throughout the realm, but there were some I had not heard of before. “Opening Your Heart and Mind to Evil” was one such book. It gave me goose bumps just to think about what could possibly be written on/in those pages.

There was also a desk in the room. It had books on it, but they were neatly stacked compared to the others in the room. There was seating in the room as well but they seemed to be plane/ordinary. Describe the room more because I don't really have an idea of what it looks like in my head.
One door was visible on the other side of the room across from where I was. It had been stained no doubt because its color was too dark to come from any natural tree. One would think the room would appear older and more worn from hundreds of years of use.

It has been said that Withering Castle was first built at the beginning of the Iron Age, but know one knows for sure. Xavier’s family must have had cast some kind of spell to keep the house in decent conditions for that seemed to be the only explanation.

I had only heard half of Xavier and Darious’s conversation because I had been extra careful taking my time and moving through the passages. Being hasty could cause me to be exposed.

The passageways were old and unused, which meant I had to be aware of squeaky floorboards. I changed my position so I was no longer kneeling on two knees but one. More dust rose into the air so I pinched my nose to avoid sneezing and turned my attention back to the conversation.

“Now you see why you would have been foolish to use such a spell in that situation,” finished Xavier. You could hear his power through his voice. I silently cursed my self for not hearing which spell he had been talking about.

“Yes master,” said Darious. Darious was sitting in a chair in front of Xavier’s desk with his back straight. Xavier had been sitting behind the desk but now he sighed and rose from his chair.

He began to walk about the room with Darious watching him intently. Xavier appeared to be fairly tall from where I was. His silky long hair was black with a few silver highlights but he looked no older then 19. It hung about an inch from his shoulder. His bangs were shorter and looked like spikes hanging down curving around his face. Someone else already said this but your conversation is really good, absolutely natural.
He wore a full black ensemble, but his tunic was trimmed with silver around the bottom, sleeves, and collar. His belt was also silver. My guess was that he dressed to match his hair. Xavier was handsome for a man known for so much evil. Describe his face more. I mean if he's that handsome I want somemore details.
“Darious, what year is it?” asked Xavier. I took my eyes off Xavier and began to examine Darious. He reminded me of one of the boys who worked at the coven. Not many men where permitted in the coven, but every so often orphan boys would be taken in and cared for by the sisters. In return they would offer services in the stables and kitchens. I'd like to know more about this boy in the future. Darious was a scary resemblance of Carter. Carter was only a year older than me and if Darious was the same age that would make him 17. Darious’s hair, unlike Carter’s, was cut very short, only about a half and inch long. It stood up on his head like a field of needles. Darious’s hair was dark brown and it made him look sinister. His eyes were a light blue. They seemed to soften his expression, as if he was hiding a sad memory of his childhood behind them. His eyes did not fool me though.

His clothes were similar to those Xavier was wearing. The only difference was his tunic. It was silver with black trimming and a black belt, the inverse of Xavier’s.

“The year is 1648 of the Iron Age, sir,” replied Darious obediently.

“Yes, yes that is what I thought,” said Xavier scratching the stubble on his chin. Darious began to look puzzled by Xavier’s words.

“Sir?” asked Darious appearing to be unaware of what his master might be thinking. Xavier began to walk back towards his desk, where he stood behind it using it to lean on.

“There is a prophecy,” describe the prophecy more. It doesn't really matter how long the prologue is. I've read some that go on for at least 15 pages.When Xavier said these words flashbacks began to appear in my memory. The day I had been given my mission those exact words had been spoken. “that foretells that in the year 1648 of the Iron Age a young girl will rise and end my line.”

“Is that why you took me on as your apprentice?” inquired Darious. I had been thinking the exact same thing second before. It would make sense since none of Xavier’s family members before him had ever had an apprentice.

“Yes and no,” answer Xavier standing up straight and no longer leaning on the desk. “The girl is near. I can feel her.” The way Xavier said this made me think that he knew more than he what he was saying.

“Where is she? Do you wish for me to get rid of her for you?” asked Darious eagerly. An evil smile had begun to form on his face.

“Patience,” Xavier held up his hand signaling Darious, who seemed to relax disappointedly. to relax much to my relief“In fact I would very much like you to meet her.” That sent shivers down my spine.
For some reason the more and more Xavier talked about this “girl” the more I felt he was talking about me. If my memory serves me right Sister Innet had spoken of a similar prophecy, but she said they had chosen me because I had grown up at the coven. They had said I would be the best experienced. I decided to figure that out later. All these thoughts had been going through my mind at an alarming rate. Somehow I had become afraid of what Xavier was going to do next, but luckily my training kept my senses calm.

I hadn’t taken my eyes off of the room, but suddenly Xavier disappeared. I felt a rush of air at my back and then somebody’s arm was wrapped around me. Next thing I knew I was tumbling to the floor of the room I had just been spying on.

I turned myself around so I wasn’t facing the floor. When I looked up he was there. Xavier was kneeling to the side of me with his face within inches of mine. Our eyes met. I hadn’t done it intentionally, but his gaze had somehow locked with mine.

When I had looked him over before I had not noticed his eyes. They were gray, which was a color that I had seen never before in someone’s eyes, and they were also impenetrable.

They weren’t like Darious’s. They reveal no thoughts, no childhood memory. What they did show was Xavier’s power.

“Darious,” spoke Xavier without taking his eyes away from mine, “this is Riley. She is the one I spoke of.” My body went into shock.

“How…” I stopped.

“How do I know your name?” he finished for me. “I know a lot about you Riley.” Xavier finally turned away from me. He stood and sat down behind his desk. I tried to move, but I found my limbs had gone stiff and were unmovable.

“Sir, was it a good idea to bring her here?” questioned Darious. I had forgotten about Darious. Now I looked at him.

He was no longer sitting but standing a few feet away from me. He was starring at me while he mindlessly played with a dagger in his hands. I hadn’t seen the dagger before, which probably meant he had hidden it. Darious most likely had more of them.

I had daggers hidden inside the top off my boots, but I could not reach them. My legs were bent and my hands were pushing off the floor supporting me, but they did not move. I could feel them, but they did not respond. I felt like I was a statue.

“Why not? She was inside the passageway watching us,” explained Xavier.

“Passageway?” Darious looked puzzled again.

“ But,” I hesitated. How could he have known about the passageways? Only women of the coven knew about them. Keep on doing what your doing because it's working!

“My dear, you underestimate me. You underestimate me greatly. This is after all my castle.” Xavier had answered my question, but it still did not make sense for him to know about the passageways.

“Now Riley, I am warning you. If you continue down the path you have started on you will most certainly meet your end.” I opened my mouth to say something, but he pointed his finger at me, “It is rude to interrupt.” I just scowled at him in discontent, but I let him continue. “Now listen. I am only warning you this once, but next time I might not be as generous as I am now to spare your life.”

Before I could even say a single word Xavier waved his hand towards me. The room began to fade as well as Xavier and Darious’s figures. Then I was back in my room inside the coven. I landed on my back with a loud thud.

“Damn it!” The last two words just set me off. I need to know what happens next! Considering everything I think this was really well written. Except for a few typoes here and there. Just remember to describe everything around Riley.(revisions have been made since original post)

ok thank you to everyone who edited my story. Sry I have two copies saved on my computer since my aunt reads over my work. the slashes are from when I sent her a revised version. So I thought I had gotten rid off them. (oops) Im meeting with my aunt soon so ill make the revisions then. Plus she has some for me as well. Ill post it ASAP. No promises though since I havent been on due too a failed internet connection.

Thanks Again and the first chapter is, well I wouldnt say almost finished, but its moving along smoothly

-jules4848

Sorry it took me so long to get here. I can't wait to read this!

jules4848 wrote:Prologue:

-Withering Castle-

Breathing softly I did my best to resist the temptation to sneeze. Dust had risen in the air and my allergies were subdued with patience that had come from years of patience. No matter what I did though my allergies sometimes got the better of me. At the moment that was the least of my worries.
Hmmm... I like this intro, but then again I don't like it. I like it because there's something about it that catches my attention, but when I read on, I found it unnecessary. Also, that second sentence has some dreadful repetitiveness.

I had been sent on a mission, but it wasn’t just any mission. This mission was the mission, the very thing I needed to do to qualify for the final stage of the sisterhood.
I hate this paragraph. You should try switching up the punctuation, or re-wording it.
Like so...
1) I had been sent on a mission- but it wasn't just any mission. This mission was the mission; the very thing I needed to do to qualify for the final stage of sisterhood.
-OR-
2)I had been sent on a mission. But it wasn't just any mission- it was the the mission that qualified me for the final stage of sisterhood.


Currently I was kneeling in a secret passageway known only to those trained by the sisters. Those who were worthy enough to remember the passageways would succeed at the coven.

I was one of those, but nothing was more important than my mission now. I had been sent to destroy a great evil. An evil so powerful it could mark the end of our world. His name was Xavier.
Ohhh... I like the name you chose! Xavier... :D

He had come from a family known for a long line of possessing power. Each generation was more powerful and destructive than the last.

Xavier was more mysterious then most past members of his family and he was also the last surviving member. He seemed to keep to himself and not much is known about him. Recently word has gone around about him taking on an apprentice named Darious.
Rewrite!:
Xavier was the last and most mysterious of his kind. He kept to himself, therefore not much is known about him. Recently, word has gone around about him taking on an apprentice named Darious.

But after a mass killing a few years back by an unknown cause, many blamed Xavier. Others thought the accusations had angered Xavier because similar cases of slaughter had taken place soon after.
I added a comma in that first sentence. Also, I think you should re-word the second sentence. Instead of 'Others thought' try 'People believed'.

It did not take long before attacks were planned to take down Xavier, but all had fallen at his hands.

That is when the coven, my coven, decided to send me to take him out. For now my orders were for surveillance. It would help me later on when I planned my final attack.
Hey, you switched tenses. I thought I was only person who had that problem. Seeing in someone else's work makes me realize how frustrating that can be. You've gone from present to the past. Let's try a rewrite:
That was when a coven-my coven- decided to send me to take him out. My orders were to survey. It would help in planning my attack.

That is why I am kneeling here, inside this old passageway in Withering Castle[s],[/s]; Xavier’s Castle. From what I could see, for there was a small [s]whole[/s] hole invisible from the other side, and Xavier was talking to Darious.

From what I could see, the room was small and most likely an office or study. There were several shelves placed about the room. Each one was overflowing with books. Some with titles like “The Magics From Within” and “The Magical World Around You”. These were common throughout the realm, but there were some I had not heard of before. “Opening Your Heart and Mind to Evil” was one such book. It gave me goose bumps just to think about what could possibly be written on/in those pages.
*bangs head against table* Please tell me you didn't do that. Please tell me you didn't put an and/or slash-thingy in a narrative. That works in articles and essays, but not in stories! Instead of the '/' put 'or'. Otherwise, I get a sense of the writer being lazy.

There was also a desk in the room. It had books on it, but they were neatly stacked compared to the others in the room. There was seating in the room as well but they seemed to be plane/ordinary.
Try tying this in with the previous paragraph. It doesn't need to be on it's own. Also, remove the '/' and put 'and'

One door was visible on the other side of the room across from where I was. It had been stained no doubt because its color was too dark to come from any natural tree. One would think the room would appear older and more worn from hundreds of years of use.
Same here, try tying it in with the previous paragraph.

It has been said that Withering Castle was first built at the beginning of the Iron Age[s], but know one knows for sure[/s]. Xavier’s family must have had cast some kind of spell to keep the house in decent conditions for that seemed to be the only explanation.
Only explanation for what? Elaborate on that.

I had only heard half of Xavier and Darious’s conversation because I had been extra careful taking my time and moving through the passages. Being hasty could cause me to be exposed.

The passageways were old and unused, which meant I had to be aware of squeaky floorboards. I changed my position so I was no longer kneeling on two knees but one. More dust rose into the air so I pinched my nose to avoid sneezing and turned my attention back to the conversation.
ahh... Now I get the first paragraph! Disregard what I said about it earlier!

“Now you see why you would have been foolish to use such a spell in that situation,” finished Xavier. You could hear his power through his voice. I silently cursed my self for not hearing which spell he had been talking about.

“Yes master,” said Darious[s]. Darious was [/s]sitting in a chair in front of Xavier’s desk with his back straight. Xavier [s]had been sitting behind the desk but now he [/s]sighed and rose from his chair.

He began to walk about the room with Darious watching him intently. Xavier appeared to be fairly tall from where I was. His silky long hair was black with a few silver highlights but he looked no older then 19. It hung about an inch from his shoulder. His bangs were shorter and looked like spikes hanging down curving around his face.

He wore a full black ensemble, but his tunic was trimmed with silver around the bottom, sleeves, and collar. His belt was also silver. My guess was that he dressed to match his hair. Xavier was handsome for a man known for so much evil.
Add this to previous paragraph.

“Darious, what year is it?” asked Xavier. I took my eyes off Xavier and began to examine Darious. He reminded me of one of the boys who worked at the coven. Not many [s]men[/s] males where permitted in the coven, but every so often orphan boys would be taken in and cared for by the sisters. In return they would offer services in the stables and kitchens.

Darious was a scary resemblance of Carter. Carter was only a year older than me and if Darious was the same age that would make him 17. Darious’s hair, unlike Carter’s, was cut very short, only about a half and inch long. It stood up on his head like a field of needles. Darious’s hair was dark brown and it made him look sinister. His eyes were a light blue. They seemed to soften his expression, as if he was hiding a sad memory of his childhood behind them. His eyes did not fool me though.
Tie this and the previous paragraph together.

His clothes were similar to those Xavier was wearing. The only difference was his tunic. It was silver with black trimming and a black belt, the inverse of Xavier’s.

“The year is 1648 of the Iron Age, sir,” replied Darious obediently.

“Yes, yes that is what I thought,” said Xavier scratching the stubble on his chin. Darious began to look puzzled by Xavier’s words.

“Sir?” asked Darious appearing to be unaware of what his master might be thinking. Xavier began to walk back towards his desk, where he stood behind it using it to lean on.

“There is a prophecy,” -[s]When Xavier said [/s]these words sent flashbacks [s]began[/s] to [s]appear in [/s]my memory of the day I had been given my mission. Those exact words had been spoken- “that foretells that in the year 1648 of the Iron Age a young girl will rise and end my line.”

“Is that why you took me on as your apprentice?” inquired Darious. I had been thinking the exact same thing seconds before. It would make sense since none of Xavier’s family members before him had ever had an apprentice.

“Yes and no,” answered Xavier, standing up straight and no longer leaning on the desk. “The girl is near. I can feel her.” The way Xavier said this made me think that he knew more than he what he was saying.
Umm... since when was leaning against his desk? Wasn't he pacing?

“Where is she? Do you wish for me to get rid of her for you?” asked Darious eagerly. An evil smile had begun to form on his face.

“Patience,” Xavier held up his hand signaling Darious, who seemed to relax disappointedly. “In fact I would very much like you to meet her.” That sent shivers down my spine.

For some reason the more and more Xavier talked about this “girl” the more I felt he was talking about me. If my memory serves me right, Sister Innet had spoken of a similar prophecy, but she said they had chosen me because I had grown up at the coven. They had said I would be the best experienced. I decided to figure that out later. [s]All these thoughts had been going through my mind at an alarming rate.[/s] Somehow I had become afraid of what Xavier was going to do next, but luckily my training kept my senses calm.

I hadn’t taken my eyes off of the room, but suddenly Xavier disappeared. I felt a rush of air at my back and then somebody’s arm was wrapped around me. Next thing I knew I was tumbling to the floor of the room I had just been spying on.
Ohhh... I like where this is going! Nice description!

I turned myself around so I wasn’t facing the floor. When I looked up he was there. Xavier was kneeling to the side of me with his face within inches of mine. Our eyes met. I hadn’t done it intentionally, but his gaze had somehow locked with mine.

When I had looked him over before I had not noticed his eyes. They were gray, which was a color that I had seen never before in someone’s eyes, and they were also impenetrable.

They weren’t like Darious’s. They reveal no thoughts, no childhood memory. What they did show was Xavier’s power.
Italicize 'did'.

“Darious,” spoke Xavier without taking his eyes away from mine, “this is Riley. She is the one I spoke of.” My body went into shock.
I like the name you chose for her, too! Also, make that last sentence it's own paragraph.

“How…” I stopped.

“How do I know your name?” he finished for me. “I know a lot about you Riley.” Xavier finally turned away from me. He stood and sat down behind his desk. I tried to move, but I found my limbs had gone stiff[s] and were unmovable[/s].

“Sir, was it a good idea to bring her here?” questioned Darious. I had forgotten about Darious. Now I looked at him.

He was no longer sitting but standing a few feet away from me. He was [s]starring[/s] staring at me while he mindlessly played with a dagger in his hands. I hadn’t seen the dagger before, which probably meant he had hidden it. Darious most likely had more of them.

I had daggers hidden inside the top off my boots, but I could not reach them. My legs were bent and my hands were pushing off the floor supporting me, but they did not move. I could feel them, but they did not respond. I felt like I was a statue.

“Why not? She was inside the passageway watching us,” explained Xavier.

“Passageway?” Darious looked puzzled again.

“ But,” I hesitated. How could he have known about the passageways? Only women of the coven knew about them.

“My dear, you underestimate me. You underestimate me greatly. This is after all my castle.” Xavier had answered my question, but it still did not make sense for him to know about the passageways.

“Now Riley, I am warning you. If you continue down the path you have started on you will most certainly meet your end.” I opened my mouth to say something, but he pointed his finger at me, “It is rude to interrupt.” I just scowled at him in discontent, but I let him continue. “Now listen. I am only warning you this once, but next time I might not be as generous as I am now to spare your life.”

Before I could even say a single word Xavier waved his hand towards me. The room began to fade as well as Xavier and Darious’s figures. Then I was back in my room inside the coven. I landed on my back with a loud thud.

“Damn it!”


(revisions have been made since original post)

Here my critique

Breathing softly I did my best to resist the temptation to sneeze. Dust had risen in the air and my allergies were subdued with patience that had come from years of patience. No matter what I did though my allergies sometimes got the better of me. At the moment that was the least of my worries.

I had been sent on a mission, but it wasn’t just any mission. This mission was the mission, the very thing I needed to do to qualify for the final stage of the sisterhood.

Currently I was kneeling in a secret passageway known only to those trained by the sisters. Those who were worthy enough to remember the passageways would succeed at the coven.

I was one of those (them not those) , but nothing was more important than my mission now. I had been sent to destroy a great evil. An evil so powerful it could mark the end of our world. His name was Xavier.

He had come from a family known for a long line of possessing power. Each generation was more powerful and destructive than the last.

Xavier was more mysterious then most past members of his family and he was also the last surviving member. He seemed to keep to himself and not much is known about him. Recently word has gone around about him taking on an apprentice named Darious.

But after a mass killing a few years back by an unknown cause many blamed Xavier. Others thought the accusations had angered Xavier because similar cases of slaughter had taken place soon after.

It did not take long before attacks were planned to take down Xavier, but all had fallen at his hands.

That is when the coven, my coven, decided to send me to take him out. For now my orders were for surveillance. It would help me later on when I planned my final attack.

That is why I am kneeling here, inside this old passageway in Withering Castle, Xavier’s Castle. From what I could see, for there was a small whole (hole) invisible from the other side, Xavier was talking to Darious.

The room was small and most likely an office or study. There were several shelves placed about the room. Each one was overflowing with books. Some titles like “The Magics From Within” and “The Magical World Around You” were common throughout the realm, but there were some I had not heard of before. “Opening Your Heart and Mind to Evil” was one such book. It gave me goose bumps just to think about what could possibly be written on/in those pages. (Written in the pages of that book)

There was also a desk in the room. It had books on it, but they were neatly stacked compared to the others in the room. There was seating in the room as well but they seemed to be plane/ordinary.

One door was visible on the other side of the room across from where I was. It had been stained no doubt because its color was too dark to come from any natural tree. One would think the room would appear older and more worn from hundreds of years of use.

It has been said that the Withering Castle was first built at the beginning of the Iron Age, but know one knows for sure. Xavier’s family must have had cast some kind of spell to keep the house in decent conditions for that seemed to be the only explanation.

I had only heard half of Xavier and Darious’s conversation because I had been extra careful taking my time and moving through the passages. Being hasty could cause me to be exposed.

The passageways were old and unused, which meant I had to be aware of squeaky floorboards. I changed my position so I was no longer kneeling on two knees but one. More dust rose into the air so I pinched my nose to avoid sneezing and turned my attention back to the conversation.

“Now you see why you would have been foolish to use such a spell in that situation,” finished Xavier. You could hear his power through his voice. I silently cursed my self for not hearing which spell he had been talking about.

“Yes master,” said Darious. Darious was sitting in a chair in front of Xavier’s desk with his back straight. Xavier had been sitting behind the desk but now he sighed and rose from his chair. (But now he had risen from his chair sighing)

He began to walk about the room with Darious watching him intently. Xavier appeared to be fairly tall from where I was. His silky long hair was black with a few silver highlights but he looked no older (than) then 19. It hung about an inch from his shoulder. His bangs were shorter and looked like spikes hanging down curving around his face.

He wore a full black ensemble, but his tunic was trimmed with silver around the bottom, sleeves, and collar. His belt was also silver. My guess was that he dressed to match his hair. Xavier was handsome for a man known for so much evil.

“Darious, what year is it?” asked Xavier. I took my eyes off Xavier and began to examine Darious. He reminded me of one of the boys who worked at the coven. Not many men where permitted in the coven, but every so often orphan boys would be taken in and cared for by the sisters. In return they would offer services in the stables and kitchens.
Darious was a scary resemblance of Carter. Carter was only a year older than me and if Darious was the same age that would make him 17. Darious’s hair, unlike Carter’s, was cut very short, only about a half and inch long. It stood up on his head like a field of needles. Darious’s hair was dark brown and it made him look sinister. His eyes were a light blue. They seemed to soften his expression, as if he was hiding a sad memory of his childhood behind them. His eyes did not fool me though.

His clothes were similar to those Xavier was wearing. The only difference was his tunic. It was silver with black trimming and a black belt, the inverse of Xavier’s.

“The year is 1648 of the Iron Age, sir,” replied Darious obediently.

“Yes, yes that is what I thought,” said Xavier scratching the stubble on his chin. Darious began to look puzzled by Xavier’s words.

“Sir?” asked Darious appearing to be unaware of what his master might be thinking. Xavier began to walk back towards his desk, where he stood behind it using it to lean on.

“There is a prophecy,” When Xavier said these words flashbacks began to appear in my memory. The day I had been given my mission those exact words had been spoken. “that foretells that in the year 1648 of the Iron Age a young girl will rise and end my line.”

“Is that why you took me on as your apprentice?” inquired Darious. I had been thinking the exact same thing second before. It would make sense since none of Xavier’s family members before him had ever had an apprentice.

“Yes and no,” answer Xavier standing up straight and no longer leaning on the desk. “The girl is near. I can feel her.” The way Xavier said this made me think that he knew more than he what he was saying.
(cut this and add 'more than he was saying')

“Where is she? Do you wish for me to get rid of her for you?” asked Darious eagerly. An evil smile had begun to form on his face.

“Patience,” Xavier held up his hand signaling Darious, who seemed to relax disappointedly. “In fact I would very much like you to meet her.” That sent shivers down my spine.
For some reason the more and more Xavier talked about this “girl” the more I felt he was talking about me. If my memory serves me right Sister Innet had spoken of a similar prophecy, but she said they had chosen me because I had grown up at the coven. They had said I would be the best experienced. I decided to figure that out later. All these thoughts had been going through my mind at an alarming rate. Somehow I had become afraid of what Xavier was going to do next, but luckily my training kept my senses calm.

I hadn’t taken my eyes off of the room, but suddenly Xavier disappeared. I felt a rush of air at my back and then somebody’s arm was wrapped around me. Next thing I knew I was tumbling to the floor of the room I had just been spying on.

I turned myself around so I wasn’t facing the floor. When I looked up he was there. Xavier was kneeling to the side of me with his face within inches of mine. Our eyes met. I hadn’t done it intentionally, but his gaze had somehow locked with mine.

When I had looked him over before I had not noticed his eyes (cut this it should be 'i noticed his eyes which i had not noticed before.') They were gray, which was a color that I had seen never before in someone’s eyes, and they were also impenetrable.

They weren’t like Darious’s. They reveal no thoughts, no childhood memory. What they did show was Xavier’s power.

“Darious,” spoke Xavier without taking his eyes away from mine, “this is Riley. She is the one I spoke of.” My body went into shock.

“How…” I stopped.

“How do I know your name?” he finished for me. “I know a lot about you Riley.” Xavier finally turned away from me. He stood and sat down behind his desk. I tried to move, but I found my limbs had gone stiff and were unmovable.

“Sir, was it a good idea to bring her here?” questioned Darious. I had forgotten about Darious. Now I looked at him.

He was no longer sitting but standing a few feet away from me. He was starring at me while he mindlessly played with a dagger in his hands. I hadn’t seen the dagger before, which probably meant he had hidden it. Darious most likely had more of them.

I had daggers hidden inside the top off my boots, but I could not reach them. My legs were bent and my hands were pushing off the floor supporting me, but they did not move. I could feel them, but they did not respond. I felt like I was a statue.

“Why not? She was inside the passageway watching us,” explained Xavier.

“Passageway?” Darious looked puzzled again.

“ But,” I hesitated. How could he have known about the passageways? Only women of the coven knew about them.

“My dear, you underestimate me. You underestimate me greatly. This is after all my castle.” Xavier had answered my question, but it still did not make sense for him to know about the passageways.

“Now Riley, I am warning you. If you continue down the path you have started on you will most certainly meet your end.” I opened my mouth to say something, but he pointed his finger at me, “It is rude to interrupt.” I just scowled at him in discontent, but I let him continue. “Now listen. I am only warning you this once, but next time I might not be as generous as I am now to spare your life.”

Before I could even say a single word Xavier waved his hand towards me. The room began to fade as well as Xavier and Darious’s figures. Then I was back in my room inside the coven. I landed on my back with a loud thud.

“Damn it!”



WOW


Now thats a story. PM me when the rest comes in please okay.
Hope my critique was okay.[b]

as of July 13, 2008 this story has been reposted due to revisions

Sorry it took so long but I played around with it a bit taking in all of Slammoths corrections and putting them to use as best as I could. Some things still need to be tweaked, but for now they are fine

Currently the first chapter is in the process of being typed. But I had set up and outline so I can stick to the story and not go off track. Ill post the first chapter soon after its finished. It will be called 'The Prophecy' and it takes place a month before the prologue did. Its to give a background about how Riley recieved her mission.

Chapter Two will continue on where the prologue left of so chapter one will be the only one to go into the past. Thanks goes out to everyone who made suggestions!

-jules4848

thank you again Slammoth for editing my story. Yes, I do have a problem with 'then' and 'than' Its a habit I am trying to break.

Your help will make the stroy ten times better. I have made the changes on paper, but I most likely will not post them on here until tomorrow.

I also planned on describing Riley in the first chapter. It just didnt seem to fit into the prologue so I figured it would let readers have something to look forward too. Now I just want to write more of the story...but Ill do the corrections first!

Thanks,

jules4848

Hi there jules4848! You asked for a review, so here I am! Let me thee...

jules4848 wrote:-Prologue: Withering Castle-

Breathing softly I did my best to resist the temptation to sneeze. Dust had risen in the air and my allergies were subdued due to years of practice and patience. This is a touch strange, you'll find an explanation why at the end, it's a bit longish. It didn’t matter what I did thoughA comma here. Also, I'd make it "No matter what I did though" my allergies sometimes got the better of me. At the moment that was the least of my worries.

I had been sent on a mission, but it wasn’t just any mission. This mission was the mission, the very thing I needed to do to? qualify for the final stage of the sisterhood.

Currently I was kneeling in a secret passageway known only to those trained at the coven. Those who were worthy enough to remember the passageways would succeed at the coven. You use the word coven twice here, making it sound repetitive. Change the last coven to "there" instead?

I was one of those, but nothing was more important [s]then[/s] than my mission now. I had been sent to destroy a great evil. An evil so powerful it could mark the end of our world. His name was Xavier.

He had come from a family known for a long line of possessing power. Each generation was more powerful and destructive than the last.

Xavier was more mysterious [s]then[/s] than most past members of his family, and he was also the last surviving member. He seemed to keep to himself, and not much is known about him. Recently word has gone around about him taking on an apprentice named Darious.

But after a mass killing a few years back by an unknown cause many blamed Xavier. Others thought the accusations had angered Xavier because similar mass killings Try not to use the same description over and over. Use different adjectives to add flavor! Slaughters? Bloodbaths? had taken place soon after.

It did not take long before attacks were planned to take down Xavier, but all had fallen at his hands.

That [s]is[/s] was when the coven, my coven, decided to send me to take him out. For now my orders were for surveillance. It would help me later on when I planned my official Don't think the word fits, maybe use final instead? attack.

That is why I am kneeling here, inside this old passageway, inside Again, you use the same word over and over, and the many commas make the sentence choppy. I'd make it "inside this old passageway in..." Withering Castle, Xavier’s Castle. From what I could see, for there was a small whole invisible from the other side, Xavier was talking to Darious.

The room was small and most likely an office or study. There were several shelves placed about the room. Each one was overflowing with books. The titles of certain books like “The Magics From Within” and “The Magical World Around You” were common throughout the realm, but there were some I had not heard of before. “Opening Your Heart and Mind to Evil” was one such book. It gave me goose bumps just to think about what could possibly be in that book. Ok, a good start on the description there, however the word book keeps repeating itself. Try to cut it out a bit, or use words like Tome as substitute.

There was also a desk in the room. It had books on it, but they were neatly stacked compared to the others in the room. There was seating in the room as well but they seemed to be nothing of interest. Even though the protagonist might not be interested, we, the readers, are curious about what the environment looks like. You can just pop a single detail like "plain" for those uninteresting chairs, yes?

One door was visible on the other side of the room across from where I was. It had been stained no doubt because its color was too dark to come from any natural tree. One would think the room would appear older and more worn from hundreds of years of use.

It has been said that Withering Castle was first built at the beginning of the Iron Age, but [s]know[/s] no-one knows for sure. Xavier’s family must have [s]had[/s] cast some kind of spell to keep the house in decent condition[s]s[/s], for that seemed to be the only explanation.

I had only heard half of Xavier and Darious’s conversation because I had been extra careful, taking my time and moving through the passages. Being hasty could cause me to be exposed.

The passageways [s]where[/s] were old and unused which meant I had to be aware of squeaky floorboards. I changed my position so I was no longer kneeling on two knees but one. More dust rose into the air so I pinched my nose to avoid sneezing and turned my attention back to the conversation. A good paragraph.

“Now you see why you would have been foolish to use such a spell in that situation,” finished Xavier. You could hear his power through his voice. I silently cursed myself for not hearing which spell he had been talking about.

“Yes master,” said Darious. Darious was sitting in a chair in front of Xavier’s desk with his back straight. Xavier had been sitting behind the desk but now he sighed and rose from his chair.

He began to walk about the room with Darious watching him intently. Xavier appeared to be fairly tall from where I was. His silky long hair was black with a few silver highlights but he looked no older [s]then [/s]than 19. It hung about an inch from his shoulder. His bangs were shorter and looked like spikes hanging down curving around his face.

He wore a full black ensemble, but his tunic was trimmed with silver around the bottom, sleeves, and collar. His belt was also silver. My guess was that he dressed to match his hair. Xavier was handsome for a man known for so much evil.

“Darious, what year is it?” asked Xavier. I took my eyes off Xavier and began to examine Darious. He reminded me of one of the boys who worked at the coven. Not many men where permitted in the coven, but every so often orphan boys would be taken in and cared for by the sisters. In return they would offer services in the stables and kitchens. Good work describing the characters, and you also managed to subtly tie in some information about the coven. Well done.

Darious was a scary resemblance of Carter. Carter was only a year older [s]then[/s]than me and if Darious was the same age that would make him 17. Darious’s hair, unlike Carter’s, was cut very short, only about a half and inch long. It stood up on his head like a field of needles. Darious’s hair was dark brown and it made him look sinister. His eyes were a light blue. They seemed to soften his expression, as if he was hiding a sad memory of his childhood behind them. His eyes did not fool me though.

His clothes were similar to those Xavier was wearing. The only difference was his tunic. It was silver with black trimming and a black belt, the inverse of Xavier’s. Again, good stuff. I'm still waiting for a description of the protagonist though. But that's okay, take your time.

“The year is 1648 of the Iron Age, sir,” replied Darious obediently.
“Yes, yes that is what I thought,” said Xavier scratching the stubble on his chin. Darious began to look puzzled by Xavier’s words.

“Sir?” asked Darious appearing to be unaware of what his master might be thinking. Xavier began to walk back towards his desk, where he stood behind it using it to lean on.

“There is a prophecy,” When Xavier said these words flashbacks began to appear in my memory. The day I had been given my mission those exact words had been spoken. “that foretells that in the year 1648 of the Iron Age a young girl will rise and end my line.”

“Is that why you took me on as your apprentice?” inquired Darious. I had been thinking the exact same thing second before. It would make sense since none of Xavier’s family members before him had ever had an apprentice.

“Yes and no,” answer Xavier standing up straight and no longer leaning on the desk. “The girl is near. I can feel her.” The way Xavier said this made me think that he knew more [s]then[/s] than [s]he[/s] what he was saying.

“Where is she? Do you wish for me to get rid of her for you?” asked Darious eagerly. An evil smile had begun to form on his face.

“Patience,” Xavier held up his hand signaling Darious, who seemed to relax disappointedly. “In fact I would very much like you to meet her.” That sent shivers down my spine.

For some reason the more and more Xavier talked about this “girl” the[s]y[/s] more I felt he was talking about me. If my memory serves me right Sister Innet had spoken of a similar prophecy, but she said they had chosen me because I had grown up at the coven. They had said I would be the best experienced. I decided to figure that out later. All these thoughts had been going through my mind at an alarming rate. Somehow I had become afraid of what Xavier was going to do next, but my training kept my senses calm luckily. This sounds awkward. Make it "but luckily my training kept my senses calm"?

I hadn’t taken my eyes off of the room, but suddenly Xavier disappeared. I felt a rush of air at my back and then somebody’s arm was wrapped around me. Next thing I knew I was tumbling to the floor of the room I had just been spying on.

I turned myself around so I wasn’t facing the floor. When I looked up he was there. Xavier was kneeling to the side of me with his face within inches of mine. Our eyes met. I hadn’t done it intentionally, but his gaze had somehow locked with mine.

When I had looked him over before I had not noticed his eyes. They were gray, which was a color that I had never before seen had seen never before in someone’s eyes, and they were also impenetrable.

They weren’t like Darious’s. They revealed no thoughts, no childhood memory. What they did show was Xavier’s power.

“Darious,” spoke Xavier without taking his eyes away from mine, “this is Riley. She is the one I spoke of.” My body went into shock.

“How…” I stopped.

“How do I know your name?” he finished for me. “I know a lot about you Riley.” Xavier finally turned away from me. He stood and sat down behind his desk. I tried to move, but I found my limbs had gone stiff and were unmovable.

“Sir, was it a good idea to bring her here?” questioned Darious. I had forgotten about Darious. Now I looked at him.

He was no longer sitting but standing a few feet away from me. He was sta[s]r[/s]ring at me while he played with a dagger in his hands mindlessly. Make it "mindlessly played with a dagger in his hands." I hadn’t seen the dagger before, which probably meant he had hidden it. Darious most likely had more of them.

I had daggers hidden inside the top off my boots, but I could not reach them. My legs were bent and my hands were pushing off the floor supporting me, but they did not move. I could feel them, but they did not respond. I felt like I was a statue and that also The also is a bit unnecessary here. made me feel vulnerable.

“Why not? She was inside the passageway watching us,” explained Xavier.

“Passageway?” Darious looked puzzled again.

“ But,” I hesitated. How could he have known about the passageways[s].[/s]? Only women of the coven knew about them.

“My dear, you underestimate me. You underestimate me greatly. This is after all my castle.” Xavier had answered my question, but it still did not make sense for him to know about the passageways.

“Now Riley, I am warning you. If you continue down the path you have started on you will most certainly meet your end.” I opened my mouth to say something, but he pointed his finger at me, “It is rude to interrupt.” I just scowled at him in discontent, but I let him continue. “Now listen. I am only warning you this once, but next time I might not be as generous as I am now to spare your life.”

Before I could even say a single word Xavier waved his hand towards me. The room began to fade as well as Xavier and Darious’s figures. Then I was back in my room inside the coven. I landed on my back with a loud thud.

“Damn it!”

I changed a few other things as well just so it made more sensse...
Ill post the First Chapter soon, but I have to trype it up since I only have part
of done and its on paper. Thanks again!

thanks...I made the changes and 'then' & 'than' are always something I mix up.

I had completely missed 'wrapped'

Thanks again!!!

Each generation was more powerful then the last and more destructive.

He seemed to keep to himself, but then again not much is known about him.

...somebody’s arm was rapped around me.